Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Alien Abduction

There are so many movies, TV shows, books and stories about alien abductions, and most of them are so corny, that it's hard to take any new idea about aliens seriously.

Most of the people that you see on TV that say they've been abducted by aliens are crazy rednecks. They're also all male. And in most cases, all of the stories end with "probing."

But there's a strong possibility that life exists on other planets. And there's also a strong possibility that alien life, if it has not already contacted us yet, will one day contact us. And if those aliens are anything like humans, they will be unstoppable, bloodthirsty maniacs set out to pillage our planet's natural resources.

Thanks for nothing, SETI!

That's why you have to be prepared. You don't want to seem like a crazy "probed" redneck when you're released back into the wild after being taken up into the mother ship.

You need a plan. And you're in luck, because the Tantrum has one for you.

If you're abducted by aliens, and if you are a man, your plan should be pretty easy: tell the aliens that you'll teach them how humans mate. For your experiment you'll require a hot female human from each continent, large city or zip code - your choice. You'll also need to stay hydrated. You'll have to count on the aliens not having visited pretty much any site on the Internet, otherwise you're screwed.

If you're a woman, you should be prepared for the aliens to have already abducted a man who has read this blog post and has already told the aliens that he needs to have sex with as many women as possible. So you have two options: you can either tell the aliens that you need a weapon to fend off the male, and only if the male wins your love in combat can he mate with you; or just try to get to the end of the mating line, and hope that the male dies of dehydration and/or a crushed pelvis before it's your turn.

And if for some reason the aliens are really cool and just want to learn from you, then put in a good word for me! I'm sure the aliens can use a good blogger on their alien starship.

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