Saturday, February 19, 2011

You Kiss Your Mother With That Self-Cleaning Mouth?

In my quest to be as lazy as possible, I have an idea to improve the health of our teeth and gums: Genetically-modified dental plaque.

If you think about it, humans genetically modify stuff all the time. It doesn't matter what that "stuff" actually is. If it's got DNA, we can modify it.

We have genetically-modified crops, genetically-modified mosquitoes... so why not genetically-modified dental plaque?

According to Discovery Health, Streptococcus mutans, Lactobacillus casei and acidophilus, and Actinomyces naeslundii are types of bacteria that eat carbs left in our mouth. But the more they eat, the more they... uh... you know, Number 2. In our mouths. They excrete acid, which melts our enamel, which then creates cavities.

So these bacteria are our enemies. But what if we could make them our allies? We could, by genetically modifying these bacteria to excrete Fluoride instead of acid. I'd want mine to be mint flavored.

This could spawn a whole side business: flavored plaque bacteria. Instead of eating real food, you could buy different flavors of plaque-causing bacteria at the convenient store while you gas up. Tear open the pack, dip a finger into the helpful yet tasty bacteria solution, then rub it over your teeth and gums. The bacteria will eat all the leftover carbs in your mouth while excreting pizza-flavored Fluoride.

Instead of hearing your mom ask, "Did you brush your teeth?" your mom would now yell at you for brushing, because you'd be brushing away all those cavity-fighting bacteria.

Sure, I know you only need to brush twice a day, for two minutes each. But it's not about the brushing aspect of it... it's about the repercussions for doing a crappy job of brushing. Plus, there's that whole flossing thing, too.

This is 2011. We should have flying cars by now. I think having a brilliantly white and clean smile while never having to brush again is doable.

Get to it, scientists!

1 comment:

Clorox Bleach said...

Pretty sure bacteria outnumber us to the point that this isn't possible. And cleaning your teeth takes 10 minutes at the most, maybe less than a minute if you're lazy.