Tuesday, May 03, 2011

We Got bin Laden... Now What?

As you already know, the US killed bin Laden. Instead of celebrating, I decided to take a somber approach by posting "Now on to #2" on my Facebook page. I mean, let's face it, killing bin Laden has probably ticked a lot of radical extremists off, and now's not the time to let up the gas on this particular terrorist organization.

By #2 I meant Ayman al-Zawahri, the brains behind Al Queda, but apparently my friends had different ideas. Here's who my friends think the CIA should take out next:

Barney

My friends hate Barney for lots of reasons. First, he's a hideous, man-eating dinosaur. I know he seems all lovey-dovey, but the reality is that he's a T-Rex - one of the most vicious creatures to have ever walked the earth. The fact that he's singing and dancing with our children can only mean that he's trying to lure them into his giant, gaping maw and eat them for dinner.

Plus, haven't you ever seen Jurassic Park? Barney and his friends will probably mate at some point, creating more dinosaurs, who would then eat more humans in an effort to take over the world. Barney loves us - for dinner! He must be stopped!




The Wiggles

When I think of the Wiggles, I think of three things: homo-erotic Australian men in colorful shirts, worms and an eminent raid by the CIA on their music factory. These guys - some of which were originally studying to be pre-school teachers - combine their gifts of music along with theories of child development, all in an effort to brainwash our children to dance around like lunatics. I've never really watched them so I have no opinion on them as a group, but apparently they've led to the creation of other horrific children's television such as the Doodlebops, and therefore they must be destroyed.




The Teletubbies

I have to admit, I wouldn't mind the CIA blowing the brains out of the Teletubbies. Those things freak me out. I won't even post a link or video of them because I can't stand to look at them. Instead of arachnophobia, I have teletubphobia.


Captain Kangaroo

How could anyone hate Captain Kangaroo? But apparently "kangaroo" invokes thoughts of "Australia" which leads people to think of the Wiggles. Bob Keeshan, the actor who played Captain Kangaroo for 30 years, has already passed away. But my friends would like to pull an Oliver Cromwell on him. They are also in favor of taking out Mr. Green Jeans, who again, is already dead. Apparently my friends think the cast of Captain Kangaroo will come back as zombies. I never watched Captain Kangaroo and can only think of the guy dressed as a kangaroo in Adam Sandler's movie Big Daddy.


Yo Gabba Gabba

I've never watched Yo Gabba Gabba except to find this video of them on YouTube. I watched it with the sound off, because I write my blogs at night as otherwise Betty would proofread them and then she wouldn't let me write half the things I write. And all I can say is, I'm happy that my sound was off. I don't know if Yo Gabba Gabba has a moral to it or not, but at the end of the day, I think we need a couple of helicopters filled with Navy SEALS to descend upon these hideous creatures, subdue them with rockets to the face, and then take out the guy in the orange band instructor outfit.




Every other children's television character

It's apparent that my friends hate children's television. So I'll just sum up the rest of my friend's preferred CIA hit list by just saying, "Take out all of the children's television characters!"

Just leave the Disney princesses alone, as a personal favor to me. And if you have to take some out, at least let Jasmine and Ariel live, as they show off the most cleavage. I'm a married man with two kids, I have to take my victories whenever I can.

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