Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Yes I Can, No You Can't

Remember the song, sung by a girl to a boy, that goes: "Anything you can do, I can do better? I can do anything better than you!"

We've had the Boys vs. Girls feud going on for a long time now. You may know it as its official name of "Girls Rule, Boys Drool". But now it's time to throw down the gauntlet and state what each sex is really better at.

Here are five topics broken down by gender.


Girls are better at having babies.
Sorry boys, but as far as we know there's only been one man who's had a baby, and he was really a girl or had girl parts or something. So in terms of baby-having ability, girls rule.

Boys are better at making babies.
At least, we win in terms of number of times and total amount of time that we think about sex on a daily basis. Plus, because we don't actually have to carry the baby, we could potentially have multiple babies with multiple women in the same time that it takes for a single woman to have a baby. (But of course we don't, because we lost all our game back in college and are now too fat and our jowls make women other than our wives try to ignore us in the hallway, and/or we're married.)


Girls are better at reading.
If you are reading this then statistically you are a girl, because men apparently can't read. Congratulations on having a vagina.

Boys are better at Math.
A man made up that formula that figured this one out though, so it's hard to trust it.


Girls are better at holding a grudge.
If you're a girl (and again, statistically you are if you are able to read this) then just the mention of holding a grudge has brought back painful memories of being teased, having your man stolen from you by that bitch Jessica in the seventh grade, and that time your husband forgot your anniversary. You have a Rolodex in the back of your head and defrag it every night so it's nice and ready to be used at a moment's whim. Whereas men forget what we wore yesterday or ate this morning, you know every detail of the night when your ex-best friend talked about you behind your back at a slumber party.

Boys are better at fighting.
Girls claim to be all into peace and love, and want everyone to get together and be friends. In reality, girls are bitches. The difference between boys and girls is that, whereas girls hold a grudge forever (see above), they rarely act on it. Boys will just smack each other around for no good reason, then become best friends. But to be fair, girls are more fun to watch when they do actually fight, since there's always the chance that they can rip each others' clothes off.


Girls are better at cheerleading.
Yes, I know there are male cheerleaders. Yes, I know those guys are really strong and some can do amazing flips. But the reality is, most sports fans are guys, and if they're going to watch cheerleaders (which they will) then they want them to be female. But by all means, if you're a male cheerleader, continue leading the cheers... because we need you to hold the ladies up so we can get a better look at them.

Boys are better at football.
It's not just because we generally don't let girls play football. It's just that most women are too petite to play either offensive or defensive linesman.


Girls are better at socializing at pretty much all levels of society.
Girls are social creatures. They can't even go to the bathroom by themselves. If we didn't have women then all men everywhere would probably be living alone in the woods somewhere. The only reason that men come together for sporting events, or even learn to play sports in the first place, is to watch the cheerleaders.

Boys are better at hunting in packs.
Men are natural-born hunters. We go hunting together. We go fishing together. And usually, all of the men in the group come back alive and with all of their body parts intact. But let a group of women out into the field with loaded weapons, and there's a good chance that their love for grudgery will come into play, and only one will make it out alive.

So there you have it: now you know what facets of live that girls and boys each excel at. Not all of these are necessarily true at an individual level - for instance, I know some girls who can shoot extremely well and can play soccer like nobody's business, and I also know some men who can actually read - but these are things that I think apply to the sexes on a general scale.

But it's important to keep in mind that, although one group may rule and another may drool at a particular topic, when we work together compliment each others' skill sets. We need men to be hornballs so women can have babies. We need women to be cheerleaders so men will play football. (By the way - I just thought of a great way to end the NFL lockout - have the cheerleaders strike. The NLF lockout will end THAT VERY DAY.) When we work together, WE ALL RULE. And if we're lucky, some of us will still drool.

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