Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Zip-Lining Commando

What is more fun than zip-lining between the trees in Lake Lanier, Georgia?

Doing it while going commando, of course!

We went to Lake Lanier last week for a family reunion. Betty's uncle lives on the lake, and going to his house is more fun and more relaxing than going anywhere else on vacation.

(I'm sure it's not as relaxing for Uncle Jay and his family - they work their butts off during the reunion!)

The only part that is not relaxing is the drive to Atlanta. It's ridiculous how sitting in a car all day can tire you out. As you can see, it exhausted everyone in our family, even our son Peter.

[Picture: Peter zonked out]

Lake Lanier is a reservoir for Atlanta's drinking water, and for that reason, I pee in it every year to spite the Atlanta Falcons fans. Who Dat, bitches?!

There are some islands on Lake Lanier, and one of the islands has zip-lining. We took a ten minute boat ride from Uncle Jay's house over to the island, went up a short hill from the dock to the zip-lining place, then spent the next two hours flying between the trees.

If you've never been zip-lining, here are the basics:

1. Get your gear on. Your gear is comprised of gloves, a shiny red helmet so they can identify you if you fall to your doom, a harness that goes around your waist and between your legs and accentuates your package, shoulder straps, and two hooks along with a metal weight that attach to the zip line.

[Picture: Ready for action!]

2. Climb the tree designated as your starting point. You'll know which one it is - it's the one with stairs leading up to a platform built onto the tree, and that also has a line that goes out to another tree. Oh, and by the way, the platform is 80 feet off the ground.

[Picture: Ready for action!]

3. A zip-lining instructor will attach you to the zip-line. While waiting for your turn, you'll always have at least one of your two hooks attached to the tree so that you don't fall. And if you're like most of the newbies, you'll probably always be hugging the tree - just watch out for ants crawling around the tree!

[Picture: Hang on!]

4. Zip-lining itself is pretty simple. Bend your knees, lean back in your harness, and step off the platform. Lifting your legs up helps you gain momentum.

[Picture: Go!]

5. If you're coming in hot, you can slow yourself down by gently touching one of your gloved hands to the zip line, but make sure you touch it behind where the pulley / weight is, as otherwise your fingers and hand will get a nice burn / crunch.

That's it! You are now ready to go swinging from tree to shining tree.

So, back to going commando.

I didn't pack enough undies for the trip, so I decided to go commando for most of my time in Atlanta. It definitely made it easier and faster when I decided to pee in Lake Lanier - one less layer of clothing to stick my wang through!

At two points in our zip-lining experience we had to cross a wooden bridge suspended between two trees. I was taking the steps two at a time on one of the bridges until I saw a guy below me taking pictures with a really big camera. He was below me, I had no underwear on... basically, that guy could have been taking pictures of my junk.

I didn't panic. First, I doubt he could see anything because we had straps going up our groins, and they made my shorts stick to my side. And second, even if he decided to post pictures of my undie-less zip-lining experience, they'd probably go viral and I'd become the famous naked zip-liner.

Incidentally, I just Googled for "naked zip-lining" and there are lots of videos on YouTube of just that. So maybe I won't be famous after all. Oh well... there are still plenty of opportunities for me to do things while not wearing underwear.

Until next year, Lake Lanier!

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