Monday, July 11, 2011

Hot or Not?

There is one question that has plagued human society ever since the first humanoid stepped foot out of its alien spacecraft:

Am I hot or not?

Today, we learn the answer, and it might surprise you. But before we begin, it's important that we cleanse our minds of the garbage that society tells us is "hot" or "not."

So, just for the moment, forget the commercials for skin cream, foaming face wash and herbal shampoo. Forget about what clothes you wear. Forget about makeup. Forget about the site Hot Or Not. Forget the Victoria's Secret catalog and their famished models. (Actually, let's keep the Victoria's Secret catalog for just a while longer.)

All that you need to determine if you are hot or not is this:

A thermal imaging camera.

We found a thermal imaging camera in the Houston Museum of Natural Science, which we visited this weekend with my brother. The Houston Museum of Natural Science is really great. It has exhibits about space, oil and animals. There are several play areas for the kids - even one that looks like a giant beehive. It even has a beautiful butterfly garden, which our daughter especially loved. But best of all, it has a thermal imaging camera.

Don't know what a thermal imaging camera is? If you've seen the movie Predator then you've seen a thermal imaging camera. It's basically the equivalent of heat vision.

So, back to Hot or Not. My brother walked up to the thermal imaging monitor first, and it registered some blue, green and red areas on him. The red was mostly around his face, and red - as you can guess - indicates hotness. So, according to world class science, my brother is apparently somewhat hot in the nasal / sinus areas.

Betty walked up to it next, and the thermal imaging monitor picked up lots of red areas. Betty, as we already know, is hot.

As for me, I walked up to it several times without registering a single red blip. At first I thought I wasn't standing close enough, so I pulled my brother alongside me to get a comparison reading. Sure enough, his image still showed red, whereas mine was mostly green and blue.

Apparently, according to that judgmental bitch Science, I am not hot.

It may be that the blubber that encapsulates my organs is insulating my inner heat, which makes the thermal imaging monitor show me as cool. Or it may be my cool demeanor. Or it may be the diaper filled with ice that I wear when I'm out and about on a hot summer day, just to cool my loins. Either way, I will have to test out my hotness again the next time I'm around a thermal imaging monitor, which will either be the next time I'm in Houston or the next time I'm being chased by a Predator from out of space.

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