Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Porcelain Chess Match

I was recently sick in a disgusting yet hilarious way and thought I'd share it with all of you. We're family now, right? I can tell you anything and you have to still love me. It's like the law or something.

So... Betty was sick a few weeks ago. Then my son got sick two days later, followed by my daughter a day after that. The good news was that it seemed to be a 24-hour virus. The even better news was that almost a week went by without me getting sick, so I thought I was in the clear.

Then it hit me. But that's not the bad news.

I was eating dinner at home when I suddenly felt very bad. I still remember what I was eating - we were having breakfast for dinner, and I had just taken a big bite of grits. I LOVE breakfast for dinner. I could eat breakfast for every meal of the day and even for snacks. But one bite of grits and I knew I was toast. (See what I did there?!?)

I still ate the rest of my dinner, knowing that it was free calories since I'd be puking it up later.

I went to go lay down on the couch. Betty said I looked paler than normal, but honestly, it's hard to tell with me. I'm a software developer and never see the light of day, so my skin is nearly translucent. I can literally blind people if I take my shirt off, which is quite often, which is also why people usually wear sunglasses around me. I sparkle when I'm in direct sunlight, like Edward Cullen in Twilight, so it's safer for everyone around me if I stay indoors, working on my computer with the lights off. But I digress.

Betty brought me a trash can with a plastic bag in it. It was my puke bucket. It was also my savior.

Okay, here's the bad news. Ready for this? Mom, mother-in-law, small children, Dixieland, look away. Look away.

It all of a sudden hit me. You know what "it" is. It's the feeling where you know you have to puke, but you also have to shoot your intestines out of your ass like a whale blowing water out of its blow hole. I sprang up from the couch, sprinted to the bathroom (hurdling my children while I did so), did a spin-move to close and lock the door while unbuckling my belt, and then stopped in my tracks.

I didn't know what to do! I had never had my sickness coming out of me from both ends before. How does this work? Should I puke first, then sit on the toilet after? Or vice versa? Should I flush in between? What if the toilet backs up?

It was my porcelain chess match. And my toilet was winning the mind game wars.

But sometimes you don't play the game. The game plays you. So I did the only natural thing, which was to sit on the toilet while puking into my puke bucket. I had it coming out of both ends at the same time. It was terrible and awful, but it was over with quickly.

Mom, I know you read this far down, and now I'm ashamed for the both of us. You should have listened to my advice and stopped reading earlier. You only have yourself to blame. (Well, you can also blame me for writing this, I guess.)

I'm happy to say that I recovered within 24 hours. But that was just the physical healing. The mental and emotional pain may never go away. And if there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's that you should always have a trash can with a plastic bag inside of it in case of sickness emergencies. You've been warned.

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