I've started the Couch to 5K back up again. Couch to 5K is a running program where you get into shape by literally getting up off the couch - or if you're like me, your recliner - run in a set pattern for two months, and then your body magically turns into an amazing long-distance runner's body.
My goal is not necessarily to run a 5K, although that's what I'm supposed to be able to do after 2 months on this program. My goal is to be able to take my shirt off again without Betty vomiting a little in her mouth.
Running several times a week is a tall order for me, though. I've been an Laziness Expert for over 10 years. Couch to 5K has its work cut out. I mean, I didn't just get this lazy on accident. I worked my ass off to be this lazy, and by golly if I'll let 2 months screw that over!
I've just started my third week of running, and my knees were hurting really bad after my last run. I took a hot bath and soaked my legs, and that seemed to help a little bit. But I was still feeling sore, sitting on the couch and complaining to Betty, when she hands me her phone and tells me to read the article she had pulled up.
The article's headline was:
Woman gives birth after running a marathon.
Yeah, so... a woman, who was 39 weeks preggers, RAN A MARATHON and then gave birth that night.
My wife basically just called me a wuss, except with a P and a Y instead of a W. I'm apparently a bigger baby than an actual baby. And that pregnant woman was more of a man than I'll ever be.
So I'm now no longer able to complain about my sore knees, for fear that Betty will revoke my Man Card again.
I blame it all on that pregnant woman's doctor. He or she should have never let her run. Then my wife would be massaging my aching legs instead of laughing about how much of a wuss I am. I smell a malpractice lawsuit!
Hacker, Hack Thyself
2 months ago