Happy Thanksgiving from the Tanory Tantrum!
In honor of Thanksgiving, I'd like to share a handful of ways that you and your family can enjoy this holiday season.
Thanksgiving: You gather around the table with your immediate and extended family, say a prayer of thanks, then massacre a turkey. As you bite into a succulent piece of white meat, your mind starts to wander, and you think about how all that cornbread got all up inside that turkey's butt in the first place.
Spanksgiving: Spanksgiving is like Thanksgiving, except instead of sitting around with
family, eating a huge meal and giving thanks for all of the good things
in our life, Spanksgiving involves firmly spanking your loved ones as
they walk by you. You might also be wearing Spanx. You can read more about it here.
Cranksgiving: Your kids are tired, which makes them cranky, which makes your wife cranky, who takes her aggression and frustration out on you, which of course makes you cranky. You then become a terrible person to talk to, which makes everyone else cranky, because they all flew in from all over the country to spend the day with you. If you are celebrating Cranksgiving then you are being a Crankenstein. Which leads me to...
Franksgiving: This one has two meanings. It could be either: 1) You went to your cousins' band's gig the night before Thanksgiving and show up to your aunt's house late, hungover, stinky, and generally in a bad mood. When someone talks to you, you respond with grunts. Your head hurts when you look at any bright lights, so you walk around very slowly with your arms out in front of you so that you don't run into anything. You are basically the equivalent of Frankenstein at Thanksgiving, and therefore the day becomes known as Franksgiving; or 2) You celebrated Thanksgiving at Frank's in Prairieville. Not a bad way to spend Thanksgiving, as long as you bring us back some biscuits.
Skanksgiving: You're lonely and don't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with, so you call one of your skank friends and invite him or her over for dinner. You eat a frozen turkey meal, make out, then call it a night. You later find out that you've contracted a venereal disease.
Stanksgiving: You haven't showered in six days yet still show up to your mom's house and expect everyone to not only pretend to be happy to see you, but to also hug you - which of course they don't do, because your hair looks like someone dumped a bowl of gravy in it. You stink so much that you transcend stinkiness until people say that you "stank." You sit by yourself, outside, alone on the patio, and even the dog won't go near you. You still enjoy a pleasant day full of great food and get your weekly dose of Vitamin D, so it turns out to be an OK day.
Flanksgiving: This one has a double meaning as well. It could mean either: 1) You're eating flank steak instead of turkey for Thanskgiving, because Winn-Dixie was having a two-for-one flank sale that you just couldn't pass up; or 2) You've outflanked your opponent in war and are about to destroy their cavalry, after which you will eat all of their rations and livestock - some of which are turkeys.
Banksgiving: You celebrate Thanksgiving with someone who works in the banking industry. You pay a 2% hidden fee for attending the feast, $1.99 for access to a restroom, and get a free toaster for signing up to help with next year's Thanksgiving dinner.
Shooting Blanksgiving: You've just had a vasectomy and your "giblets and gizzards" have just healed so that you can now get it on with your wife again. You've just eaten a huge Thanksgiving meal and are cuddling up with your wife, when "ding!" the "oven timer" goes off and you're now making sweet, sweet "apple pie" in your "kitchen." If your wife becomes pregnant, that either means that the kid is not yours or that your vasectomy didn't work. You will then look back at this Thanksgiving meal and wonder what life would have been like had you not eaten that second helping of turkey, broccoli casserole, carrot souffle and mashed potatoes.
Shranksgiving: You spent the morning in the pool, and while changing into regular clothes for the Thanksgiving meal, a hot girl walks in on you. She laughs at the size of your shrunken manhood, to which you reply, "I was in the pool!" You are George Costanza.
Tanksgiving: Your neighbors have a huge Thanksgiving meal with tons of family and friends - some of whom are parked in your driveway and even in your lawn. Not only did your neighbors forget to ask if their guests could park in your yard, but they didn't even invite you to Thanksgiving. You exact revenge by running their cars over with a tank.
Anhksgiving: You are an Egyptian god and carry around an anhk while eating a turkey dinner with some crocodiles on the Nile.
Pranksgiving: You invite everyone to come to your house for Thanksgiving. Your family flies in from all over the entire continental United States to be there with you and each other on this special day. While everyone is at your house, a horde of pranksters - which you've hired - are going around to their houses putting up For Sale By Owner signs in their yards and foreclosure notices on their doors.
Yanksgiving: We're all adults here... I shouldn't have to explain this one. Can be combined with Skanksgiving, Shooting Blanksgiving and/or Spanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago