Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Planetary Naming Convention

Why are the planets named after Roman gods?  Didn't the people who discovered and named these planets know that the Roman gods were just hacked copies of the Greek gods?

I've decided that I'm going to call all of the planets by their Greek names.  Here's a list of them, in case you've forgotten your Greek or haven't read the Percy Jackson series lately.

Mercury - Hermes.  You might remember him as the god in Disney's Hercules that Paul Shaffer voiced.  Hermes is the messenger of the gods.  I like to think of him as the Instant Messenger of the gods, but without all the cheesy emoticons.

Venus - Aphrodite.  As in, Mighty Aphrodite.  She's the goddess of love, or as I like to call her, the goddess of sweet, sweet love.  Yeah, baby!

Earth - Well, Earth isn't named after a Roman god.  So we can leave this one as Earth.  But if I could suggest a new name for it, it would be Optimus Prime or Thundercats.

Mars - Ares.  Ares is the god of war.  I say we should blow it up.  That'll teach it who's boss!

Jupiter - Zeus.  Did you know that there's already a planet named Zeus?  I didn't, until I started writing this blog.  Since nobody except the guy who named that planet knows that it even exists, I say that Jupiter is fair game to be called Zeus.

Saturn - Kronos.  Technically, Kronos was a titan and not a god, which is weird because the gods were children of the titans.  It's like the whole chicken and the egg argument.  If the gods are children of titans, then are the titans gods?  And are the gods then titans?

Uranus - Ouranos.  Actually, you know what?  I think we should keep this one as Uranus.  We'd lose too many good jokes if we didn't.

Neptune - Poseidon.  Poseidon was the god of the sea as well as of horses, because the Greeks thought that the ocean's waves looked like horses or something.  The Greeks must have smoked a lot of hallucinogens.

Pluto - Hades.  Technically, Pluto is another Greek name for Hades, but I like the name Hades better.  Pluto was a planet when I was a kid, but then scientists discovered an object that they named Eris (which, by the way, is the Greek goddess of strife and discord) which is big but not really planet-sized, so then they decided that if Eris wasn't a planet then Pluto wasn't a planet either.  Well, screw scientists, I still consider Pluto a planet.  And screw Eris, too.  (Eris isn't offended by that - once again, Eris was the goddess of strife.)

And if you want to be fancy, you can call the sun Helios and the moon Selene.  Because, you know, chicks really dig that.

No comments: