Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Tanory Tantrum's 2011 Christmas Letter

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this letter finds you well.  2011 was a great year for us Tanorys, as all years are that begin with a midnight groping.

January was action packed!  For starters, I created a new blog, Stutter Step, which is mostly about my mad basketball skillz and only partly about my stuttering.  I also started experimenting with different styles of haircuts, and ended up with what is commonly referred to as "The Beavis."


I also discovered that Blue Jean Jammies do not have a zipper or buttons in which to hold my junk in the proverbial trunk, and therefore you should NOT wear them out in a public setting, such as a grocery store.  Sorry about that, Aisle 5.

February is notable for two major events in my life:  I started taking piano lessons at Baton Rouge Music Studio, and I finally saw a movie called Rancho Deluxe which my granddad claims is the worst movie ever made.  I also became an Academy Award winner when David Seidler accepted the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for the King's Speech, since he said that he shares the award with all of the other stutterers in the world.

Booyah!

March brought along Betty's birthday as well as Mardi Gras, which is Betty's lunar birthday.  We dressed up for Mardi Gras like we always do, and this year we chose a New Orleans theme:  A Confederacy of Dunces.  I dressed up as Ignatius J. Reilly, one of New Orleans's most beloved and cherished characters, but was only recognized by a single Japanese tourist.  The rest of the family dressed up as Lucky Dogs and condiments, and generally got way more attention.  As they should have!


In March I also starred in a commercial for a local car dealership.  So what if it was only shown on the Richard's Honda Facebook page?  It still counts!  Speaking of Facebook, in March I started changing my birthday on Facebook to be the current date every day, and received hundreds of "Happy Birthday" messages twenty days in a row from the same people.  I couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about that, so I changed it back to my real birthday, which is whatever date it is that you're reading this.

April brought about the demise of my blog (again), my daughter's third birthday, and a trip to Disney.


Disney truly was the happiest place on Earth, until Betty and Peter almost got eaten by a giant shark.  They narrowly escaped by singing the It's a Small World song repeatedly, until the shark started singing it as well, at which point they swam out.  That song is so addicting!


In April I also discovered that, if you're running out of space in your house, you can ship all of your clothes to the dry cleaners and they'll store them for free - after you pay for them to be cleaned, that is.  I'm now accepting dry cleaning coupons, because I have another 20 square feet of vacuum-sealed clothes bags that need to get out of my closet and into a dry cleaner's storage, stat!

May was pretty amazing.  My son turned one, which is incredible enough... but then he ate his entire birthday cake, which was the most amazing thing I've ever personally witnessed!  Keep in mind, it's not like he just ate most of it, or a lot of it - he ate the entire thing!  It was a Cake Apocalypse!


It was about as awesome as when the Navy Seals killed Bin Laden in a secret raid.  And definitely more awesome than when I dressed up as a "Hot Nurse" for charity, and melted everyone's eyeballs in the process.


That picture made me start taking better care of myself, so I guess something good came out of it.

I was late for my family reunion in June because I had a massive hangover after attending a show by Mageez, my cousins' band.  But that was OK, because later that month I went to my wife's family reunion in Atlanta, and got to go zip-lining.


My family, Betty's family... it's all the same, right?  The main difference between our two families is that everyone in her family has two distinct eyebrows, whereas everyone in mine shares a single eyebrow.

By the way kids, learn from my mistakes and make sure that you wear underwear when you go zip-lining.

If "anything happened" in July then I missed it, except for when I created a method of using thermal imaging cameras to detect if a person is in fact Hot or Not.  I also invented the Blip Cone, which is a combination of a dip cone and a Blizzard from DQ.  I expect royalty checks, DQ!

August brought about the end of the NFL lockout and thus the start of the Fantasy Football season.  That kept me thoroughly occupied until my cousin Michael knocked me out of the playoffs in December.  My constant thinking about Fantasy Football also meant that I had less brain cells to think about the blog, so I quickly ran out of ideas and started writing poetry in a database language called SQL until I finally came to my senses and wrote about fun stuff, such as creating our own Claw game at the house.


Thankfully, September rolled around, so it was finally cool enough to go take a trip to City Park in New Orleans.  My kids loved the life-sized elves...


And I liked the life-sized fairytale ta-tas!


And if I didn't have enough to think and write about, that quickly changed when Betty left me and the kids by ourselves for an entire weekend while she went to Houston for a bachelorette party.  It was the first time that I'd been alone with both kids for an extended amount of time, and I'm proud to say that we didn't have to call Poison Control once!  And in terms of our social life, Betty and I watched all 74 episodes of ABC Family's Greek on NetFlix and relived our glory days in LSU's Greek system.

October brought around Harvest season, and Betty thought it'd be a good time for me to plant something so that we could harvest it next year.  So I conned my buddy Brannon into helping me build a garden in the back yard.


And of course by "helping me" I mean that he did all the work.  Brannon and I also started the Couch to 5K program again only to stop running four weeks later (thankfully, since my knees hurt too much to run anymore!).  The same week we quit running, we read about a 39-week preggers woman who ran a marathon.  We would have felt like women, had feeling like a woman not meant that we could run a marathon while pregnant.  Instead, we just felt like two out of shape old dudes.  But as a consolation prize, we also got a behind-the-scenes tour of how the 13th Gate makes you crap yourself every Halloween. 

Brannon's family also came Trick or Treating with us for Halloween!  Peter was Pooh Bear, Annie was Piglet, Betty was Eeyore and I was a guy-in-Tigger-boxer-shorts-over-his-jeans.


In November, my two beautiful children showed off some newfound skillz:  my daughter displayed her acting chops by appearing in the Baton Rouge General Foundation 2011 Thank You Video, and my son Peter showed off his ability to absorb food into his bloodstream via his skin while enjoying a great Thanksgiving meal at my parents' house.


In international news, the Arab Spring continued, Kim Kardashian divorced her husband of 72 days of marriage and Justin Bieber took a paternity test because an attention whore (who was NOT Kim Kardashian) claimed that Bieber was the father of her baby.  My brother-in-law Danny and I went to see Stephen King in New Orleans, which was really cool, until a possessed bat bit a dog who then tried to bite me.  Long story.

December also brought about my real birthday - but thanks to all my friends on Facebook, we've been celebrating since March.  Thanks for the year-round birthday wishes!

Also in December, Betty and I went to our friend Emily's wedding in Charleston, and we loved the wedding and also loved Charleston.  No, I mean we really, really loved Charleston.  How much did we love Charleston?  Well, let's just say that if Charleston has a baby 9 months from now, I may have to take a paternity test.  We'll name our new city-baby Charles Tanory Land.


We've tried to keep our kids in line this December by deploying Clyde, our Elf on a Shelf.  But my daughter Annie is too smart to fall for it.  She said that Clyde was "just a toy" and didn't see why she couldn't sleep with him at her bedside.  She's smart just like her momma - because I would have totally fallen for the Elf on a Shelf until I was in my mid-20's.  In fact, Clyde might be watching me now, so I have to be good... Santa might be watching!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

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