Sunday, July 15, 2012

How to Win at Mini Golf

Some things are cuter in their miniaturized versions: horses, pigs, humans, and of course wet t-shirts.

But above all, the miniaturized version of Golf, also known as Putt Putt, is by far the cutest.

Why "cute" instead of "entertaining" or "challenging," "badass" or "something we always do when we're on vacation?" I say it's "cute" because most people go into a Mini Golf game thinking that it's some kid's game. They think they're going to "have fun" and "not lose my ball in the creek this time, dammit." They think they're going to get that hole-in-one on the 18th.

But they're wrong.

To excel in Mini Golf you have to have a golfer's mentality. You can't be afraid to test the direction of the wind or the slope of the land. At at our recent trip to the Great Wolf Lodge, which has a fantastic Mini Golf course located onsite, the land sloped so much like an actual course that I had no choice but to treat it like I would any other professional endeavor.

[Bob gets the lay of the land]

And of course I did it all while wearing Great Wolf Lodge wolf ears.

Most people are afraid to lay themselves out on a Mini Golf course and test the slope of the land or the distance to the hole, but not me. I thrive on it! Doing so usually embarrasses your opponents (usually your family or close friends, just the type of people who would not think twice about adding an extra number to your score on a par 4), which then makes them stop thinking about Mini Golf and instead start thinking about how they'd much rather be bashing you upside the head with their Putt Putt clubs, which ultimately leads to them not doing as well in the game.

Strategy!

Here's me taking what amounts to the greatest shot in Mini Golf history (other than the hole-in-one that I got on Hole 3, in case anyone in my group was taking score). It doesn't look like much (yes I know, that's what she said), but this one caused all the rest of my group to stand in awe of my Mini Golf prowess. Or it would have, had they not been preoccupied with my children.

[He shoots, he scores!]

It may have been that I was doing so well at this particular Mini Golf course in comparison to my competitors because my wife was watching one of the kids while her parents were watching the other. I was basically on my own, so didn't have one of the kids at my feet, grabbing at my club as I swung, or picking up and subsequently chunking my ball into the creek on Hole 9. At least that's what I like to tell myself, as otherwise my score on this course was historic and deserving of more attention.

[Peter helps sabotage my opponents!]

So I guess what I'm saying is that the best way to win at Mini Golf is to bring your small children and then let your opponents babysit them while they're playing. Your kids will essentially sabotage their chances at success, so no matter how bad you play, you're still sure to win.

[Shooter McGavin!]

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