One of my favorite Olympic events to watch is Beach Volleyball. Specifically, Women's Beach Volleyball. Not only are Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor incredible athletes, but they look pretty good in skimpy bikinis. Especially when they're making the other team eat sand.
Sexy, sexy sand.
But Beach Volleyball was only added as an Olympic event in 1996. This only proves that the Olympics is an ever-evolving collection of games and events. That's why I've compiled a list of 10 new games that should be added for the next Olympics.
1. Olympic "Olympic Watching"
How many hours of the Olympics can one person watch? I don't know, but I bet I can watch "all of it." That's why I'm throwing my name into the ring for next Olympic's "Olympic Watching" event. I will compete with viewers from China, Russia, Great Britain, Brazil and Australia to see who will win the gold medal.
If you think this is kind of silly, it's already happening - just in the form of marketing. How does NBC know how much to charge each sponsor, and how do the sponsors know which events they want to run their commercials during? Or how do they know which Olympians they want to sponsor? They've been crunching the numbers on our viewership for decades, and now I not only want to fast forward through their commercials, but I want a gold medal for it.
I think I could win it, too. The Olympics is now on 4 channels, can be Tivo'd / DVR'd, can be viewed live online, and can be streamed on your phone. There's no shortage of ways to watch the Olympics. And it's not like I have anything better to do, other than possibly work or watch my children. That's why I'm a shoe-in for the gold.
2. Olympic Beer Pong
Beer Pong is a staple of college life. It takes skill, determination... and at least one person 21 or over to pay for the Keg. Sure, a lot of teenagers would be excluded from competing, but only if the Olympic Games are played in a place with strict laws on who can consume alcohol. Women's Beer Pong has the potential of being up there with Women's Beach Volleyball, Women's Regular Volleyball, Women's Diving, Women's Swimming - basically any Women's event - as a viewership hog.
3. Olympic Sleeping
Who can sleep the longest? Who can take the quickest cat nap? These events will separate the well-rested from the fatigued. Contestants get points deducted for Snoozing or going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
4. Olympic Eating
Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is already a big deal. Why not make it an Olympic Event? The people shoving 68 hot dogs down their gullets in 10 minutes deserve to be on prime time. We could have different heats, like the "1 Minute Hot Dog Run" or the "72 oz Steak in 1 Hour" contest. America should take gold, silver and bronze in pretty much all of these.
5. Olympic Brushing
How fast can you brush your teeth? How many times can you brush your hair in 1 minute? This event could be combined with Olympic Eating and be done right before Olympic Sleeping for a triathlon.
6. Fantasy Olympics
I love Fantasy Football. Seriously, I would marry it if it were legal in Louisiana. Instead I just have to Common Law marry it. But imagine if we had a fantasy draft for the Olympics, and got to pad our rosters with 2 Swimmers, 1 Diver, 2 Track and Field runners and 1 flex player? I'd put up $50 for that.
7. Olympic Shopping
That old TV show Supermarket Sweep was ahead of its time. Having contestants run around, finding specific items in a supermarket in the shortest amount of time, and then finding as many items as possible for under a certain dollar amount? That sounds like an American pastime to me. With the popularity of Couponing nowadays, we could definitely turn shopping into an Olympic event. The contestants could even do all of their shopping in an Olympic gift shop to show of all the goods. The winner's home country could get 10% off.
8. Olympic Pool Volleyball
Beach Volleyball and Regular-ass Volleyball are Olympic events, and even Water Polo is an Olympic event. Why not Pool Volleyball? By the way, I think Water Polo should be played with sea horses.
9. Olympic Jumping
I came up with this idea when my kids were jumping off the couch continuously. At first I was annoyed, then amazed at how much energy they had. Then I tried to do it and forgot that I'm now too old to do anything but blog and sleep.
We have the long jump, the high jump, the triple jump... even the trampoline has become an Olympic event. But do you know what would be incredibly awesome as an Olympic event? Base jumping.
10. Olympic Sex
What are the Olympians doing when they're not competing? Probably joining in the orgy that is known as the Olympic Village. Now we know why some of the track and field people were walking a little funny right before their events. These are the XXX Olympics, you know.
So we know the Olympians are sexing each other's brains out. And we know that porn is extremely popular. (Or so I've heard. I mean, uh... read in Scientific magazines.)
Categories could be just regular sex, Solo sex, and of course, Synchronized Sex. It would take a lot of training to compete in any of these events, though. Also a lot of juice and carbs.
That's it for my top 10 list of new games to add to the Olympics. If you have a suggestion, please leave a comment or email me and I'll be sure to send everything to the IOC before the XXXI games.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
3 weeks ago