With the first pick of the 2012 NBA draft, the New Orleans Hornets selected University of Kentucky star Anthony Davis. And in obtaining Davis, they got something extra:
Davis is attempting to trademark "Fear the Brow" because he has an amazingly awesome unibrow. In fact, his unibrow reminds me very much of my own family (both immediate and extended), and our one single unibrow that spans all of time and my family's history.
It is therefore with great pleasure that I announce the first pick of the Tanory Family draft: Anthony Davis! Congratulations, Mr. Davis, you are now an official Tanory.
What comes with being a Tanory? Well, for starters, if you ever need a tiny brush for your unibrow, just contact any of our family spread throughout the country and we'll get one for you. Please note that the Tanory family appears to enjoy the outer perimeter of the continental United States, with practically none living in a state without a border with the ocean. So if you're playing, say, the Oklahoma City Thunder, then you may have to wait a few days to get your Tanory Unibrow Brush.
Secondly, if you're ever in the mood to dance around in a big circle with other members of your family and throw plates on the ground, we're always in the mood to join you! We're also available to just smash plates if you don't want to risk injury by dancing with a bunch of short, hairy mole people.
Third, if you are ever in need of dunking but a pesky 6'9" defensive player is standing in your way, have no fear! The closest Tanory will assist you by yelling in a very garlic-laden breath at your opponent's face. I never leave home without my tub of hummus (or unibrow brush), so am always available to slay enemies with my breath. And assuming that I haven't showered in a few days (which is a good assumption), I will raise both arms while I yell in the hopes of destroying your opponent's olfactory system.
Finally, the best part about being a Tanory is undying love and affection. Once you're in with the Tanory clan, you're good for life. Unless you decide to leave the New Orleans Hornets (and leave the Tanory clan), at which point you're dead to us.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
3 weeks ago