Saturday, September 29, 2012

LSU vs. Towson

LSU is playing Towson tonight, so I thought it would be fun to compare the two schools. I began by preparing to write about each school's football program, but then I thought it would be more fun to compare alumni.

Which school has the better alumni?

Most people in Baton Rouge, including moi, originally asked when we heard we were playing Towson, "Where the hell is Towson?" It turns out that Towson University is located in the unincorporated area of Towson, which is a suburb of Baltimore, Maryland. So basically, it's the Prairieville of Baltimore.

According to Wikipedia (which means I'm copying all the rest of this verbatim from Wikipedia), Towson was originally founded as a school for teachers. Since then it's expanded to be a school with 8 colleges and over 20,000 students. Forbes included Towson University in its 2009 list of the top 100 public colleges and universities in the United States. Towson is one of the largest public universities in Maryland, and still produces the most teachers of any university in the state.

OK, so now that we know more about Towson, let's talk about it's alumni.

Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, went to Towson.

OK! Towson wins! Nobody can beat Elmo. I mean, it's not even close.

Well, wait, I did too much research to end on that note. So other notable Towson alumni, especially to people in South Louisiana, are Jermon Bushrod (Saints player) and Joe Vitt (Interim head coach of the Saints). Johnny Unitas served as the school's athletic program's community liaison. So now we know that their football program is capable of producing quality players.

OK, so what about LSU alumni?

Well, there's me, of course. Maybe LSU gets negative points for that one. My wife and most of my family went to LSU.

There's also:
  • Better Than Ezra (band)
  • Dwayne Bowe (probably on your Fantasy Football team)
  • Brian Wilson (probably on your Fantasy Baseball team)
  • Shaquille O'Neal (probably was on your Fantasy Basketball team ten years ago)
  • David Toms (do they have Fantasy Golf teams?)
  • Jimmie Davis (former LA governor, also wrote "You Are My Sunshine")
  • Bobby Tanory, accomplished blogger and lounger

So there you go. LSU has many more notable sports stars than Towson, and also leads in areas of politics, academia, and entertainment.

But nobody beats Elmo. Advantage: Towson.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Flag on the Play!

I'm so happy that the regular NFL refs are back in business... because I can't wait to yell and spit venom at the regular referees once again.

It's sort of a national pastime.

Sure, the replacement refs were awful, but I was never really angry with them. It's hard to blame them for being terrible when they were completely unqualified for the job. Not to mention that they came from other leagues with other rules and had very little time to master the new rules.

Plus, one of the replacement refs had previously been fired from the Lingerie Football League. He was probably too busy looking at boobies. But who can blame him? Isn't that the whole point of the LFL?

The replacement refs were destined to fail. But the real refs are supposed to be amazing refs. And that's why I like to get angry with them when they make a bad call.

I'm not one of those guys who thinks the Saints wouldn't be 0-3 if the real refs had been in the game. Our defense is absolutely terrible. In fact, I don't know who to hate more at this point: Roger Goodell for suspending Sean Peyton for a year, or Steve Spagnuolo (Defensive Coordinator for the Saints) for our defense being last in the league.

Right now I think Spags is winning. And by "winning" I really mean losing. Goodell, can we swap Spags for Peyton?

One thing that I will miss about the replacement referees is the level of creativity from NFL fans. Just take a look at this parody of Flo-Rida's "Whistle."



After receiving a standing ovation from players and fans, the real refs should now be ready to resume their place as the lowest life form in the minds of real NFL fans. Enjoy your moment of glory, because come Sunday around 4 pm, you will once again be the most hated people in the NFL... other than Goodell and Spags, of course.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The World Is Flat... And So Is My Tire

I was driving down Perkins when a young lady started honking at me. I was flattered, but kept driving anyway - sorry, ladies, but I'm taken!

This person was persistent, though. She pulled alongside me and pointed down repeatedly. I assumed she meant that she wanted to either get in my pants or for me to get into hers. When you have a unibrow as large and illustrious as mine, this is pretty normal.

We both stopped at a red light and she rolled down her window, so I did likewise. That's when she told me that I had a flat tire.

Luckily a Circle K was just up ahead, so I pulled into a well-lit area by the air pump. Sure enough, my back right tire was flat. The tread on my back tires was pretty low and I had planned on getting them replaced within the next week or so, but it looks like I'll have to do it sooner - like, immediately.

Changing a tire is one of those tasks that you're always asked when someone's trying to determine if you're competent. "Can you change your own tire?" How should I know, when I've never done it before? Sure, my dad and I changed the tire on his car after I ran over a curb when I was 16. And I helped a friend whose tire was flat back in December. But I've never had to do it by myself.

How hard could it be?

It turns out that changing a tire is ridiculously easy - as long as you have all the parts. Luckily for me, my car magically had everything I needed in the trunk.

The hardest part for me was getting the jack out of the trunk. I kept pulling it but it wouldn't budge. I finally got the idea to turn the screw on the front, which compressed the jack and then I was able to take it out. But I was at it for probably a good ten minutes before this thought came to mind.

The next thing I did was jack my car up. I kept turning the screw with a metal pole from my trunk. I grunted with exhaustion as my hands hurt from the constant, vigorous screwing motions done while jacking my car up. Up, up, up... woo! I had finally done it. My car was now officially jacked up.

Unfortunately, it was jacked too high. I realized that the tire needed to stay on the ground while I tried to get the lug nuts off, otherwise the tire would just spin. So I jacked my car back down.

I tried using my brute strength to loosen the lug nuts, but they wouldn't budge. I tried various ways of getting the lug nuts to loosen, such as twisting, turning and pleading with them, to no avail. Then I remembered that I'm short, stocky and weight 20 pounds more than the upper end of my body type's normal weight range, so I stood on whatever the name of the tool is that you use to loosen lug nuts, and they came right off.

I had called Betty to let her know that I would be home late due to a flat tire, and she called her dad, Jimmy, to come and help me. Jimmy was at my side in about ten minutes. It was actually really great having someone there with me, because I felt exposed and afraid that I would get jumped or something. You know how crazy that Perkins Rowe crowd gets after dark!

Jimmy came so fast that I nicknamed him Triple J. Who needs AAA when you've got Triple J?

I had one profound thought while changing my tire. I think instead of having a small replacement tire in your trunk, you should carry a monster truck wheel. It would look so much cooler.

If you're not an idiot like me then you probably know how to change a tire. But if you need a reference, I recommend this page. I also recommend pulling into a convenient store's parking lot to change your tire, because you have everything you need: good lighting, concrete, access to bathrooms, food and drinks.

If you ever need a hand, please give me a call. I'm now a pro at changing tires.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Romney Top Waiver Wire Pick for Week 2 of Political Season

Mitt Romney was the number one waiver wire pick-up for players across all leagues in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Politics after Muslims stormed US embassies in the Middle East and killed several people, including the US ambassador to Libya.

Romney's projected score in standard leagues (known as polls in some leagues) was originally downgraded this week after he gave a confusing answer on how much money a family has to have to be considered the middle class.

But in PPR (Points Per Republican) leagues, Romney got a boost after Kanye West had said that "Mitt Romney don't pay no tax," which Neoconservative hawks noted was a double-negative and therefore actually meant in English that Mitt Romney does pay tax.

"It's great to finally have Kanye on our side," said House Speaker John Boehner (pronounced "Boner") on Saturday. Boehner then broke down in tears.

Obama is still the projected leader in all 8, 10 and 12 person Fantasy Politics leagues.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

What We Did After Hurricane Isaac

After sitting in our hot, powerless homes during Hurricane Isaac... after bitching about Entergy not restoring power to our homes sooner (or bitching because we lost power even before the storm hit land)... after grilling everything in our freezer, fridge and pantry before it spoiled and then having no food left except canned taco sauce... after listening to the AM radio for a glimmer of news about the storm... what did we in South Louisiana do two days after getting our power back?

We simulated these same hurricane conditions down at Tiger Stadium on LSU's campus.

Yes, that's right, we voluntarily left our homes - which were now cooled thanks to our power being restored - and went out to sit in the hot, sweltering heat for 8 hours. We did this even though we had power, even though our AC was back on, and even though we could have comfortably watched the game on ESPNU. Some of us even listened to the game on our headsets while at the stadium. And most of us grilled.

Sure, it was hot. It was muddy. It even drizzled a little bit on us.

But we didn't care. We knew we could go home any time we wanted, granted that we would have to sit through two hours of traffic leaving the stadium and probably another hour of traffic when an 18 wheeler inevitably overturns on I-10.

But we're LSU fans. We know we're crazy.

Basically, if you want to keep the citizens of Louisiana happy during a hurricane, just have an LSU game at Tiger Stadium. Let people come out and tailgate. Let them Tiger-bait the opposing team as well as the storm itself. Just let there be beer, and maybe some Manda Fine Meat sausage dogs.

Because we in South Louisiana don't really mind hurricane conditions, as evidenced by our tailgating. We don't mind the sweltering heat. We don't mind being stuck in one place for a few days. As long as there's football, good music and a few Golden Girls, I think everything will be all right.

Besides, everyone knows it never rains in Tiger Stadium. So I nominate Tiger Stadium to be the new hurricane relief center. LSU already has an Earthquake Game... why not a Hurricane Game?