Friday, June 07, 2013

How to use the NSA Surveillance Scandal to your Advantage

In case you were not aware, the NSA is watching you read this blog post. What's that? You didn't directly navigate to my blog but are instead reading this on your email, Facebook or on some random aggregator that steals contents from other site?

Doesn't matter, the NSA is still watching you.

(And since the NSA is watching me, let me just clarify that none of those porn links on my browser history are mine... I have no idea how they got there. Honest!)

And if you called someone to tell them how amazing this blog post was, then you're really out of luck. Because recently it became known that the NSA (National Security Agency) is sifting through millions of American phone calls a day. They're basically spying on regular Americans, and they've been doing it for a long time.

And don't even think about wearing a tin foil hat to try to stop the government from reading your minds. See more about that here.

Obviously, lots of Americans are freaked out over the NSA Surveillance Scandal. But here's how I plan on using the NSA spying program to my advantage:

1. As My Personal Grapevine

I bet the NSA has all the juicy details on what my neighbors, coworkers and family members are doing. Inquiring minds want to know!

2. As My Personal Shopping Assistant

Hey, NSA-reading-my-phone-logs-person... do you remember when I went to the store last week and inevitably had to call my wife because I wasn't sure of what kind of tomato sauce to buy or in what quantity? Yeah, help me out, bro, I know you know this information because you heard our conversation earlier when she asked me to pick that up. It would be great if this could be a two-way conversation. Also, you probably know all the best coupons to use... could really use some TLC from the NSA on this one. In fact, did you watch anyone stock the shelves? I can't find these damn tomatoes anywhere....

3. As My Personal GPS

GPS coordinate data was made available by the government, and now the government is spying on me... so maybe we can do a mash-up here and you can tell me what the best exit to take is when I'm coming home from a trip. Please have your traffic and weather reports handy as well.

4. As My Personal Security Advisor

Any terrorists in the area? Don't hog that info for yourself! You've got my text number, let me know!

And last but not least...

5. As My Personal Prank Call Practice

Uh, maybe not. I don't want the NSA knocking down my door because I prank called a restaurant saying someone is about to "drop a bomb" in "their toilet."

In conclusion, the NSA could be the next Siri if they really wanted to be. They know that much about everyone. But instead of considering them malevolent, for the moment I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume (and hope) that they're using their powers for the greater good. It's not like we have a choice - nobody's going to give up their cell phones or Internet.

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