Betty and I did a fantasy football draft this weekend.
Yes, that's right - I said "Betty and I." I have finally managed to get her to play fantasy football! It's just like The League, but hopefully my wife won't eventually create her own team and beat me.
I'm in three leagues this year. I'm in my family league with all my immediate family, cousins, and my cousin's cousins, in which last year I won the most points but somehow managed to not make the playoffs. I'm also back in my work league, in which I was in first place going into the playoffs and then promptly lost my next two games.
And now I'm in a league with Betty, which means she is contractually obligated to watch football games with me - or else our team will suffer for it!
How did I manage to pull off this incredible feat? Actually, I didn't. Her friends did.
A few nights ago she was playing on her phone when she turned to me and said, "Now before I show you this, I want to remind you that you're already in two fantasy football leagues." I had no idea what she was about to show me. I was hoping it was a naked picture - preferably of her, but I would have also accepted anything that resembled a female adult human. Or a picture of pizza. I didn't know how that fit into fantasy football, but I don't usually think logically or rationally unless there's financial incentive.
When Betty gave me her phone, I saw that it was a text from a friend, asking if we wanted to join a couple's league.
"Of course we do!" I said, while typing out a very witty and/or extremely vulgar reply. (Betty wouldn't let me send it. It would have been classic, though.)
We did a live draft over the weekend for this particular league, which is hosted by our friends The Troutmans. We named our team Troutmania, because we love the Troutmans (Troutmen?) and we love Troutmania in general. We're Troutmaniacs.
We Tanorys came prepared to our live draft. I had my list of players ranked and organized by position, strength of schedule and team colors; Betty had peanut butter / chocolate brownies; and we both wore our football jerseys. Betty wore a pink football jersey, and I wore an LSU jersey along with my son's LSU helmet.
Yes, this helmet is made for a three year old, but it fits my tiny head. Remember: it's not the size of your head that matters, it's how you use it.
At our draft, we discovered that one of the teams in our league is called Sex Panther. If you're not familiar with Sex Panther it's a cologne with the slogon, "60 percent of the time, it works 100 percent of the time!" After every pick, Team Sex Panther would spray actual Sex Panther cologne throughout the room. By the end of the night, we all smelled like Sex Panther, which meant we all had a 60 percent chance of getting lucky.
Let's just hope our team is lucky.
On second thought, just the idea of Betty watching football with me makes me think I've already won the fantasy league, even if our team never wins a game. I hope she learns to love football as much as I do... as long as she doesn't branch out and start her own team without me!
Hacker, Hack Thyself
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