Wednesday, May 31, 2006

World Cup Overfloweth

I am very excited for the upcoming World Cup. For those of you who don't know what the World Cup is, let me explain: imagine a World War but with a soccer ball, a whistle, and hundreds of thousands of screaming, singing, and chanting hooligan spectators. Then imagine real guns - usually at least one person gets shot -, gang wars, the latest hair fashions and tabloid love triangles, then picture this happening every four years and you've got yourself a World Cup.

Most countries that excel in soccer pretty much suck at everything else. That is why the World Cup is so important to them. Brazil, who has recently surfaced as a leader in Ethanol production via sugar cane crop, is usually often only known for their beautiful beaches, porn industry, and of course their Word Cup domination over the past several decades. Other than that, Brazil has one of the most horrendous poverty and crime crises in the world.

And before you say that Soccer is only for the lady-men, maybe you should read this article about Carson Palmer's Cornhole Classic.

I, for one, am going to take extra steps this year to ensure my own safety during the World Cup. The last Word Cup was held in Japan and Korea, so a live broadcast usually came on TV around 3:30 in the morning. During US' win against Mexico, I suffered a hernia by jumping around my apartment and landing awkwardly on the couch. Please note: I hurt myself because I did not stretch properly beforehand, and not because I am out-of-shape and lacking any muscle mass able to withstand my own body weight. Please remember that spectatoring can be dangerous, and to take all the necessary precautions to ensure a safe and happy Word Cup season.

Common Senseless

On my way to work this morning I seen something very interesting. There was a billboard for vasectomy reversals. Now I think that a procedure such as that would benefit mankind. I mean, why not give the ability to contribute to the gene pool once more. There was a number provided, and the best thing about it, it came with a money back guarantee. Now what man, that had previously been clipped, would pass up that? If the doctor screws up your manhood, you get your money back!

Now I know what you’re thinking, WOW what a deal. But I must caution you, it may be in civilizations best interest that you pass up on this deal. God, or maybe the government, may have planned this for you. If you are a man that has never had a child and has had the pre-vasectomy reversal procedure, then you should keep on trucking.

Another theory is that when this procedure is done, you will be given an injection of alien DNA. There are a lot of theorist out there that believe this to be true. The government has been polluting our population with tainted genetics. By offering a so called "Money Back Guarantee", the FED, headed by Greensburg, can ensure there will be takers. You can tell those that have been given this injection, called MARS-420, this comes from a highly trustworthy IRS insider, by the changes that take place to them and their offspring.

Just remember, use common cents when considering this procedure. Goodbye and Goodnight.

No More Whistling While You Work

In a 5-4 opinion yesterday, the Supreme Court decided that Government employees cannot whistle while they work. I must take a stand and say that sometimes, without realizing it, I whistle, mumble, and occasionally even yell at my monitor in a manner that has been described to me as "immature." Am I to be ostracized for these actions? Has whistling gone the way of the dodo?

In a cubicular environment, we need to be respectful of our co-workers and not play our music, whistle, or cast spells too loudly. I would even go so far as to say that we need to give a 3 second warning to our co-workers before iniating a surprise Tuesday Night Fight match in the hallway. The time has come for us to respect one another.

In conclusion, please turn down your "Phantom of the Opera" music. You've been playing it for five days straight. Our subtle hints at subterfuge have gone unnoticed. You know who you are.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Wisdom of the Ages

The suggestion has been around for years but nobody takes it to heart: write what you know. I have truly embraced the ideal of writing what I know, which is why my blog is about absolutely nothing. It's like a blog form of Seinfeld, only without the laughs, audience or cash flow. Hmm... then maybe it's more like Mind of Mencia. Damn!

Another suggestion that I have tried to live by is to "Live Like You Are Dying." I have made it a practice to routinely roam the highways, hospital parking lots and Wal-Marts in an open hospital gown and holding an IV drip, begging for money. I figure that if I were dying then I'd probably desparately need money to pay bills, and would stop caring about how I looked or acted because of severe pain and anguish. Try it out on your own time!

If you need to gather life experiences in order to have something to write about, here is a homework assignment for you: print your own Subway Sandwich Consultant business cards and try to sell your services to the local Sandwich Artist union. Write the resulting blog in the form of a cost-benefit analysis of switching from white, wheat and italian breads to rye, pita and hot dog buns.

Alive and Well

Good news! We've been live for 30 minutes and we've already taken over Denver, CO, and Wewoka, OK! Go Team!

Our only glitch so far has been security-related. "Insert Access" for the decaf carafe was locked down a couple of weeks ago pending a fungus investigation, but now that we have a new carafe, security for this module should have been reset. We are currently working with the filters and granular process threads to allow decaf to be made again. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Remake This

The movie remake phenomenon has gone absolutley crazy. Everyone and their brother is remaking movies and TV shows. I mean come on, "The Dukes of Hazard", "The Honeymooners", "The Fog",to name a few. Now I hear they want to remake Magnum, PI. Give me a break, like Ben Afflict can even compare to Tom Selleck. But on a good note, Gary Coleman will play TC, Magnum's sidekick with the helicopter.

Don't get me wrong, some remakes are pretty good. There's "War of the Worlds" and "Scary Movie 4", which was a remake of the classic " To Kill a Mokingbird". Tom Cruise is an incredible actor, especially in his latest movie "Mission Impossible to Watch".

Now we move on to sequels. Please give it up. We dont want more shoved down our throats. "Rocky 10" just takes the cake though. They actually thawed out Sylvestor Stalone for that one. Thank god for Scientology. Speaking of Scientology, how about "Planet of the Apes". A new religion based on how we evolved from apes? Please, give me something based on facts.

So boys and girls, the lesson for today is support your local Church of Beliefs, even if their movies do suck. I think I will write a sequel to this blog then remake it sometime in the future. Goodbye and Goodnight.

It's Alive! Aliiiiiive!

Our long-awaited project is finally going live. I like to compare our project to Frankenstein's monster: it's a conglomerate of different code bases, third-party tools and abnormal brains that only a year and half of meetings about meetings could accomplish. But amazingly, it has all come together to form one uber-program that will hopefully transform the face of the world, giving me and my brethren co-workers one more shot at World Domination. So far our project has only thrown one innocent girl into a pond. Not too shabby!

Our project is nicknamed "Cosmo," and it's sole purpose is to destroy all humans. It will do this by continuously calling, emailing, faxing and mailing you offers to buy different versions of movies that Hollywood continues to remake, as well as Hip Hop songs featuring stolen basslines and rhythms from only the most popular songs on the market. The Mary J. Blige module is by far my favorite. The goal is to make everyone dumb by repeating the same crap over and over until nobody thinks of innovation. The goal is to make everyone dumb by repeating the same crap over and over until nobody thinks of innovation. The goal... well, you get the point.

My contribution is The Four Feathers module. My grandfather loved the original and first two remakes of The Four Feathers, so I decided to put all of my time and effort into reincarnating this majestic cash cow once again. Somewhat coincidentally, I found a version with Heath Ledger (gay cowbody #1 in Brokedick Mountain) that almost sucked the life right out of me, as most of Heath Ledger's movies seem to do. I immediately contacted its publishers and was able to incorporate it into our project. Welcome, SkyNet! You've got mail!

I hope our project is a success. To rev up for today's Go Live, I have reviewed an article covering the Top 25 Worst Tech Products of All Time and did not see Cosmo, so it must be pretty good. I hope you agree.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Beach Babes and Sea Monsters

Talk about an action-packed weekend! Friday night we went to a wedding for one of my good friends, whose family owns the restaurant Antoine's in New Orleans. The Bishop of Baton Rouge, Bishop Muench, presided over the wedding. As I was getting Communion, he saw me and basically told me that I would rot in Hell for eternity unless I mentioned on my blog how great of a job he did, so... great job, Bish! And I'm not just saying that so I won't be tormented for eternity - I mean it from the bottom of my shriveled, black heart.

Saturday we drove down to Florida for some fun in the sun at Navarre Beach (Florida's Best Kept Secret). Whoops! I guess it's not such a secret anymore. Anyway, I conquered my fear of the ocean by first stealing a few floaties from a couple of little brats nearby. I got some Elmo floaties, a Cookie Monster inner tube, and a large alligator raft - I racked up! Saturday night we went to a bar, and needless to say, I rocked the house with some badass Karaoke. I started out with "Mandy," by Barry Manilow, and then after we had the bar to ourselves, I sang, "Afternoon Delight" five consecutive times.

Sunday we saw a woman get sucked into the undertow. She was screaming and hollering, and basically just making a big fuss. Some other guy was right by her in the water, so maybe he was just molesting her or something. At least that would explain why she kept yelling, "Fire! Fire!" Five good Samaritans jumped in the ocean to save her. I supervised from the shore - my personal feeling on the matter is that you never want to dive into the ocean if sharks, eels, molesters or disgruntled clownfish are swimming around out there. In the end she went back in the water, this time with one of my floaties.

We made the trip back to Baton Rouge on Monday. We were tired of sitting down in the car all day so we decided to stretch our legs by going to see X-Men 3: Read Between the Lines. It was pretty good. I probably would have liked it more had the guy sitting next to me been wearing pants. Anyway, I'm glad to be home and am ready to get back to work. I only have three weeks until the next vacation!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Expounding on the Mysteries of Life

Games like Sudoku and books and movies like The Da Vinci Code have sparked an international interest in figuring out puzzles. But many of the most common puzzles, riddles and jokes are right in front of our faces every day and we fail to recognize them. So in an effort to help you better understand the world around you, here are some items that I have discovered that may have passed right over your head, but never will again!

Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" did not originally feature Da Vinci's works, and the entire book had to be rewritten after failing to sell. You can find traces of this in the book as well as the movie. The book originally featured works by Michaelangelo, but the publishers rejected the original manuscript because some of the text that the old grandfather writes on the Mona Lisa (in the book/movie) in one of the first scenes was originally written on Michaelangelo's sculpture of David's bare ass. This is why, in the scene in the movie where the albino is trying to scratch an itch on his back with a bull whip, he says, "It's along the Rose Line. And 'Priori' is along the crack. Zoot alore!" The book was originally entitled, "Michaelangelo and Me: A story of a very naughty painter and how he changed my life." Also, the albino's eyes were blue in the movie. Someone should tell Ron Howard that albinos have red eyes.

Speaking of eyes of a different color, the song "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison is about taking a girl on a trip up the Hershey Highway. Come on, like you didn't know. That just goes to show you how good of a musician Van Morrison is - the ol' Brown Eye makes an appearance, and it flies under the radar. Not only is this true, but you'll laugh the next time this song comes on and all the ladies start dancing and hollering.

What's that? Did someone say "Dancing?" Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jackson's "Moonwalk" is not how people really walked on the moon. The astronauts who walked on the moon looked like they were jumping on a trampoline and had to wear Thighmasters to keep their legs apart, and this is because they were. They never went to the moon. They actually went to Venus. That's where all the hot women are... if you were an astronaut, wouldn't you go where the hotties are, too? The astronauts were doing a very complicated mating ritual involving jumping as far as they could and playing golf with no handicap, and because your muscles atrophy in space, Suzanne Somers sponsored NASA - on the condition that she got first crack at the boys when they returned.

I hope I have shed some light on these mysteries, and have helped you decode some of the conspiracy theories of our day. You can now start applying your newfound knowledge in quiz bowls, old folks homes and Trivia Pursuit games against your family.

Internet Explorer 7 Beta and Service Pack 8

Microsoft has released Internet Explorer version 7 Beta. You can download it or review its features here. They've added tabs, integrated RSS feeds, better security features as well as more options for their search bar. It's basically FireFox with a different logo.

And certainly, without installing the latest Office Beta, it's just like FireFox. But once you update your Office programs, it's a whole different ballgame... you can do all kinds of cool crap, like viewing your RSS feeds through Outlook. Basically, you get the functionality of IE7 without actually having to open IE7.

There's a lot more integration going on with the other Microsoft products, too, which is either going to be incredibly useful, or a nightmare once the Russians start their coordinated attack and infiltrate all aspects of your computer.

I'm also concerned about the installation of IE7. It validates your Windows installation, and this feature alone will keep 1.6 billion people in China from using it. I call Shenanigans!

The new MSN Messenger Beta is pretty cool, too. You can set up a shared folder with another user, which is basically an FTP site that you can both access. And well know how much I love to FTP! You can play trivia with each other, use a Whiteboard feature, make music from your text, etc. Basically, you can do a bunch of crap that is not related to work. Hurrah!

But what I like most about IE7 is the icon. This is no minor update... the Blue E has been a cornerstone of the Microsoft marketing franchise, and to update it shows that Microsoft is no longer going to allow its icons to show up for work drunk and disheveled any longer. You go, girl!

All in all, I'm pretty excited about the new version of IE. I'll probably use it a lot more once it's out of Beta. Hasta la Vista, Office 2K3.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sweet Emoticon

Emoticons are those smiley faces that everyone puts in their emails and instant messages. Most people know what an emoticon looks like, but in case you're a moron, here are some examples:

smiley face = :)
sad face = :(
smiley with nose = :-)
dead smiley with nose in a pool of his own blood = :-)__...

Scientists have proven that emotions and icons are integral to emoticons. But my emotions run deep; I'm a complex carbohydrate. I can't display my true feelings with today's basic array of emoticons. I need passion! I need excitment! I need sharp, pointy fangs! In short, I need my own badass emoticon. Thus, I present:

The angry alien with fangs = }:E

I feel that my emoticon gives a more personal tone to my IMs, emails and comments. I use it for everything. The fangs are the most important part - if you leave out the fangs then you just have eyes and a unibrow. I encourage you to make your own and share it with the world. }:E

Idiocy and the Scientific Method

We should by now be used to competing scientific groups arguing with each other and generally just jacking us around over who's theory is correct. One week it's okay to drink a crapload of coffee, and the next it's not. One week scientists are writing about how harmful cellphone radiation is, and the next they're telling us that cellphones are harmless. Don't scientists have standards? Don't they have the Scientific Method? Shouldn't we be able to reproduce these experiments and still have enough time to catch the midget wrestling match at Spanky's later tonight?

Occasionally, one scientific group will just lose their minds and start publishing crap that should be kept secret. Case in point: cloaking devices. Today I read that scientists have actually outlined how to make a cloaking device. Pretty incredible! But even more incredible, these American and British scientists didn't hold onto this knowledge and let our governments use this technology... they published it for the world to see.

Are you mad!? We're worried about terrorists bringing Dirty Bombs through our porous Mexican border, and now you're going to give them a way to discretely fly over it. Thanks a lot, jerkies!

I'm done with scientists and their arrogance. I'm sticking with religious institutions, where at least when they lie to you, they are consistent.

No Sir, Yes Man

Yesterday I received a death threat from an angry Yes Man. I would like to say two things about this incident. First, the author's name appears at the bottom of each post, so please address your death threats accordingly. Second, your death threat shows that you were reading our blog, and I want to tell you how deeply appreciative I am for your readership.

So thank you, Yes Man, for reading our blog and letting it take you on an emotional roller coaster. I feel as though we are making progress, one indignant bastard at a time. This makes it all worthwhile.

I also want to comment on the person(s) who bought the I Love Ground Chuck and Suducku shirts. Although I am grateful for the commission made from these fine examples of contemporary clothing, I do have to wonder about your mental well-being, and would therefore like to recommend the Social Retard shirt to you as well. I hope to see your money in my account very soon! Thanks again!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Team Tanory

I am trying to write a blog a day, and I have to tell you, it's pretty difficult. For one thing, there are always constant distractions at my job, such as coffee, paperwork, coding, meetings, etc, which interfere with my creative process. Secondly, my wife likes to spend time with me - or to be more precise, she likes when I spend time with her - and she doesn't like when I blog at home. Finally, there is the whole issue of "sleep," which I have just been told needs to be done from around midnight to 6 in the morning, and not during the work day as I had assumed. Where has all the time gone?!?

So as many of you have already figured out, Aaron has joined the Tantrum. Aaron has already written two blogs and I'm hoping to whip him into doing five a day. Seriously, those bull whips really work. When I have kids I'm going to invest in them. I have also set up a scheduled task to email Aaron every 15 minutes with a random message about blogging, and that really seems to be motivating him. I hope to soon outsource this whole blog business and just reap the benefits from a remote location.

So if you like Aaron's posts, you should definitely check out Aaron's homepage. Aaron has his own blog, so when he updates his blog you'll know that he could have been updating this blog, and then we can be angry with him together. Hurrah!

In conclusion, I hope you enjoy all the new posts at the Tantrum, as we enjoy writing them.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

American Idolatry

Who should win this season's American Idol title? Will it be Katherine "Tits" McPhee or Taylor Hicks? Am I a member of the Soul Patrol or will my vote be swayed by McPhee's large globular breasts? These are the burning questions that America faces. And on May 24th, 2006, a new American Idol will be named so he or she can immediately start creating horrendous albums.

The truth is, it doesn't matter who wins American Idol. Both contestants, as well as several of this season's losers, are going to get recording contracts. This show exposes talent, which creates opportunities - winning doesn't have anything to do with it. Even William Hung got a record deal, for crying out loud!

But let's review the show's history, just for the eff of it. Kelly Clarkson has a lot of hit singles and is continuously talking about her big butt. Carrie Underwear had that Jesus song, and then she had the Heaven song, and now she has announced that her latest album's title will be called, "I'm a Better Christian Than You." I know it will be a smashing success.

Ruben Studdard had "Sorry 2004," which made us all sorry we voted for him. Fantasia came out with an album that only featured her key phrase, "Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah!" in two songs. You go guh-fren!

But the real winners have been the losers. Clay Aiken went on to have a Christmas Album. Christmas Albums are the pinnacle of a musician's career. Who doesn't have a Christmas Album, except for those not good enough to play during festivus miracles?

Justin Guarini settled into obscurity, but not before porking Paula Abdul and starring in the commerically successful movies, "From Justin to Kelly," and "Stop Calling Me Gayrini Already!"

Bo Bice played at The Varsity in Baton Rouge for $2. I wanted to go, but the high ticket price kept me away.

In conclusion, I'm demonstrating my love of Democracy and Freedom by submitting a write-in vote. I won't tell you who I voted for, but I will say that if you hear me practicing the theme from Winn-Dixie (the store, not the movie), then my loyal and incredibly intelligent fans have helped polevault me into the Winner's Circle.

The Tanory Tantrum Test - May

I hope you have enjoyed my endless bitching over the past month... I know I have! In return for your dedication and unwavering loyalty, I have created this crossword puzzle which encompasses the previous May posts. Since we still have a couple of days left in May, you should feel pretty confident that I will not ask questions from currently non-existent posts. You should be able to find all of the answers either in the previous posts or in the recesses of your mind, where I know you have cataloged each and every word from the Tanory Tantrum.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Last Day of School Blues

Today I helped my wife make booklets for her Kindergarten students. I thought I was being extremely helpful, but as usual when my wife is forced to spend time with me in close quarters for more than thirty minutes, she got extremely aggravated with me.

First she started complaining that we didn't have enough glue, and blamed me for eating all of it. I tried to explain to her that we will have more glue after Barbaro is liquidized, but she didn't think that was in good taste. (Pun alert! Pow!)

Second, she thinks that I would have somehow magically colored between the lines better if I had worn pants. I take no blame for this one - she knew what she getting into when she married me.

Lastly, she complained that it was hard to focus with my armpit in her face. I told her I was just sharing my pheromones with her, but her skills with the Red Crayola marker made me relent. I bought this deoderant for you, Baby! I just thought we'd share it!

So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry and I love you. Now can I please have my GameCube back?

You Can Book It

I don't understand the need for censorship. In my opinion, if you are confronted with an alternative and/or opposing point of view, if you maintain your own position then you have only reaffirmed that stance for yourself. I believe that this is true for banned books, television programs, and blasphemy.

Self-imposed censorship is one thing. I don't care what you do to or with yourself, unless you are a hot female of age and have a webcam. I'm also not opposed to censoring what your children read, watch or do, as long as they aren't 35 and still living at home. As a parent, it is your job to protect your children from things that you do not want them to see. When they get older, they must decide for themselves. If they can't, then we have failed as parents.

But censoring or banning books at a public institution is an outrage. I should be able to tell the school what I will not allow my children to check out of the library. If schools are not able to utilize technology to this extent, then they should not be teaching my children.

So I guess you're wondering why I've chosen this topic today. Many of my favorite books have been banned and now my children will not be able to read them. Here is the list of banned books and the corresponding reason for the ban:

The Three Little Pigs - Banned for anthropomorphism in animals. Portrays the Wolf as an evil beast when all he wants to do is feed himself and his family. The pigs are fat, which encourages childhood obesity. Encourages living in squalid conditions. Encourages destruction of property.

Three Blind Mice - Advocates violence towards animals, specifically, the Farmer's Wife attacks the mice with a butcher's knife. These types of attitudes towards animals lead to violence against humans later in life. Also, the word "Blind" is offending to some people, and should be termed "Visually Challenged" before republication.

Peter Pan - Advocates homosexuality via green tights; advocates running away from home; advocates jumping out of high windows and balconies; advocates rebellion and violence towards adults.

Hansel and Gretel - Advocates cannibalism. Advocates wasting food. Encourages violence towards elderly women living in huts in the forest. Advocates abandonment of children.

Rumplestiltskin - Advocates child labor.

Who Moved My Cheese - Redundant, boring, typical management book that has no real benefit and is a waste of time and money. Most people who read this book are actually dumber after reading it.

It is a shame that these books have been banned, especially for the reasons noted (except for Who Moved My Cheese, which actually is a pretty good choice). It's time we took a stand for our children's education and stood up for what we believe.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

There Can Be Only One

Yesterday I updated my profile, and set my home city and state as Winchestertonfieldville, Louisiana. I did this because I'm a retard.

And as you probably know, in the movie Mr. Deeds, Winona Ryder tells Adam Sander that she was originally from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. It turns out that there really is a Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

It also turns out that some other jerky is claiming to be from Winchestertonfieldville, Louisiana.

There can be only one.

I'm actually more than happy to share this fictional town with this guy, who goes by the name of End_User-X, but I want to be City Council President. And if they have some kind of consolidated City-Parish Council Government, I was to be Prez as well as hold a majority of the other city-council seats. He set his city name before I did, he is older than me, and his interests are Christianity, guitar, computers and teaching, but I have more posts than he does. I feel as though I'm contributing more to our ficticious community.

So here's to you, neighbor. May you have posts a-plenty. Just don't forget who wears the cop outfit in this town.

Da Vinci is Spanish for "The Vinci"

Yesterday I saw the movie The Da Vinci Code. To make a long story short, it turns out that Da Vinci was not a software developer and never really wrote any code. But he did invent the midgie-mullet, and was also a founding father of the Renaissance Festival.

Basically, the movie took all of Dan Brown's worst ideas, scenarios and dialogue (ie, the plot) and left out all of the interesting stuff (ie, anything to do with Da Vinci). In 2.5 hours, Da Vinci is mentioned maybe twice.

So to fill in this "Da Vinci Void," I will attempt to explain about Da Vinci's work, which the movie so lovingly leaves out.

Da Vinci closely followed Microsoft's Patterns and Practices and used layers in his artwork. His paintings were usually painted on top of old works, whereby the Mona Lisa was really just the User Interface layer, and then you had a Service Interface layer, Bean Dip layer, Data Layer, and so on. I assume he used Objects instead of Hash Tables, but that's an entirely different sort of blog entry.

Da Vinci painted some really cool self-portraits. He was also prolific in painting faces, designing helicopters, airplanes and tanks, and even making notes for SCUBA gear. His work in latex came in the last stages of his life.

In conclusion, if Da Vinci were around today he would probably be patenting things to better enable people to download porn. We can only salute such a brave and prolific servant of the Priori of Sion.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Sponsored by the Letters B, L, O and G, and the Number 1

Our Muppet friends at Sesame Street have always been pioneers when it comes to reaching out to today's youth. Consider how, in an effort to reduce childhood obesity, the Cookie Monster learned to eat fruit and veggies. Also understanding that entertainment is the key to learning, the arithmomanic Count Von Count helps college kids learn how to do derivatives.

But several new features of Sesame Street's modernization have left some some fans feeling disenfranchized. Consider how, in Cookie Monster's latest game, he forgoes fruits and veggies and instead eats all kinds of crap, ranging from Logs to Tubas (depending on the Letter of the Day). This certainly is not encouraging healthy eating habits in our children.

Also, Oscar the Grouch has been waiting for a new trash can from BFI for over 3 decades. He's still sitting in his grimy tin can, when BFI is certainly capable of delivering a 90-gallon plastic trash bin. We can only blame ourselves for not demanding better treatment.

In conclusion, if our children actually played outside instead of watching Muppets on TV all day, maybe they wouldn't be so friggin fat.

Hindsight is 20/40

Yesterday I received this ingenious IM detailing a great new product that could benefit millions:

Mr T says: i have developed a new tool for software developers everywhere to benefit from

Mr T says: rear view programming mirrors. they strap to your forearms while you type.

Optimus Prime says: do objects in rear view mirror appear farther away than reality?

Mr T says: yes.

Mr T says: but its not a bug; its a feature

I was still using the identity of Optimus Prime, so this IM may have been intended for the leader of the Autobots. Plus I'm no longer on speaking terms with Mr T so this came as quite a surprise. (You want some of this, T?) But after careful consideration, I came up with the following prototypes. Click on the picture for a larger, better, stronger and more satisfying image. One product is designed for the home office, and the other is for the office.

Basic Side View Mirrors

Medium Range Side View Mirrors

Each set comes with a strap. You only get one strap so you have to decide which arm needs this the most. We also have Shock Straps, for hardcore developers. Please email our Product Development Department if you need more information about these new and exciting products.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Bling, Crunk, and our Founding Fathers

Contrary to popular belief, "Bling" is not a new concept. Although "Bling" and its plural, "Bling Bling," are entering more people's vocabularies, the idea of Bling has been around for centuries. Bling, which denotes any shiny object that catches the eye, is part of our cultural identity.

Kings and Emperors were one of the first proponents of Bling. Any respectable king had at least one hoard of gold and jewels. From King Solomon to Stephen King, the kings of history have blinged it out better than almost anybody.

Animals are also attracted to bling, which may be a trait that has passed from animals to mankind. In one of the greatest historic novels of all-time, "The Hobbit" by Tolkien, Smaug the dragon sits upon a pile of gold and jewels and smokes crack with the wood-elves.

Bling can be applied in any form or fashion. Bling can even be moulded for purposes of attaching to teeth, and the finished product is called a "Grill." George Washington was a pioneer in the Grill frontier. His wooden teeth had a hidden latch under his upper left molar which held a diamond nose ring, which he only wore when attending ballroom raves at the Delaware River Dance Hall, his favorite rap club.

Lil John is a current day George Washington, leading the revolution in Bling fashion and marketing. His energy drink, Crunk, is supposedly made from 90% recycled bling. "Crunk" is also a favorite new term, but the idea of Crunk has been around for decades. "Crunk" is a combination of "Crazy" and "Drunk," and because "Drazy," "Drunzy," and "F*** Up" were already taken, "Crunk" was used. The term "Crunk" was first used during Prohibition by Elmer Phelps, a local lush who's famous last words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

So before you go shouting at the neighborhood from the porch in your underpants and boots, remember your history, and held keep up this patriotic tradition.

Kurnikova is Okay, I Guess

Identity theft is a raging problem in this country. It turns out that the damn Russians are to blame, as anyone who lived through the Cold War already suspected. Americans are just too lazy to go through the trouble of stealing someone else's identity. In fact, Americans are either so nice and friendly or so dumb that, even if we wanted to steal someone's identity, we probably couldn't. Here are my documented efforts at identity theft.

As you can see, I contacted the real Gary Coleman and made him believe that I was someone else. I really had him going! But as an American, I had to fess up, because I'm afraid of FPMITAP. But I probably could have used Optimus Prime's credit rating to score some origami boulders online. Booyah!

Here are a few good tips to avoid having your identity stolen. First, you should always assume that whoever is talking to you is a liar. You can tell if someone is lying by clubbing them in the neck, wrestling them to the ground and yelling, "Are you lying you dirty scumbag?!" If they say no then you should probably listen to what they have to say, then let them up. Don't be socially engineered to give any information away.

Second, you should always avoid paying for anything via cash, credit card, debit card, check or money order, especially online or in person. If you aren't carrying money or anything with an account number, it can't get stolen. The only way you should buy stuff is to barter. People who barter are usually more sociable, better speakers, and have a lot of stuff that they can't sell anywhere else, so you can get it for cheap.

Finally, you should avoid having an identity that is worth being stolen. Just hang low, especially in low-lighted areas, and hang out with other undesirables such as yourself. When the next Russian Ballet conference comes to town, their bots will look at your profile and say, "Этот человек - глыба вонючих внутренностей!"

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Fake Plastic Trees

Plastic surgery is ruining America. Look at what we've done to ourselves: boob jobs, face lifts, collagen implants, rhinoplasty, liposuction, rap music, pectoral implants, J-Lo butt implants - which, as an anonymous informant has discovered, is made from fat syphoned from J-Lo's butt - and all other types of atrocities! Look at your work, evil-doers! Look at what it did to Meg Ryan, for crying out loud!

Reconstructive surgery is okay, of course. Anyone who has been in a horrendous car accident or bull maiming should have all the right to restore themselves to normalcy.

But non-reconstructive plastic surgery is doing long-term damage to our country. Attractive Americans are being duped into marrying and/or mating with closet ugly people. An ugly person could have a total face replacement and the spouse won't know until the baby pops out looking like this. The indecency of it all! Our whole Social Darwinism is at stake!

Some people have had the courage to get their plastic surgery removed. It's safe to say that in some cases, it's just better to leave well enough alone. I'm talking about you, Bob the Builder!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Are You Not Entertained!?!?!

Americans love to be entertained. We cast more votes for our favorite American Idol contestant than we do for the President. Do we just shun politics? Or are minors, who can vote in a myriad of ways, making up the majority of these votes? Or is this just down to a question of talent?

Certainly, there is no doubt that talent decides elections. Consider Bill Clinton's saxaphone solo on the Arsenio Hall show, Reagan's acting portfolio, or Bush Sr's one-man acoustical jam live at Red Rocks.

Entertainers have always held our attention in every aspect of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of government. From the OJ Simpson trial to Ahnold the Governator, and Bono to Shirley Temple Black, we can't seem to pull for anyone who doesn't entertain the crap out of us.

In fact, we should just start televising and voting for everything via online surveys, touch-tone phones and text messages. We could even have Seacrest start hosting trials on Court, and allow the American public to vote from home. Jury deliberations could be done by online forum, and filters could be set up so a "Jury of One's Peers" could be established once the final votes are in.

The catch is, we're fickle. We want singing; we want dancing. We want talent, and if you rob a bank then by God you'd better be able to hit that high C. Because we don't care about deterring crime, we just want to be entertained. If we wanted to deter crime, we'd just pay our cops more.

We could even vote for an entire season's criminals' sentences at one time. Just line them up, let them sing in a front of a grand jury of a select few, and those that don't make the cut are executed on the spot. The rest can get a lesser sentence, all the way to "Not Guilty."

Presidential candidates should be held to a higher standard, however. They should compete in some form of caged Death Match melee, where the surviving losers get confined to lesser Cabinet positions. Kind of like lesser demons.

I just know that, when I'm picked up for vagrancy, I've got the Personal Story to at least make it to the semi-finals.

A Tale of Project Management and Woe

Being a Project Manager is a big job! I learned this the hard way today by spoofing my MSN IM and pretending to be one of the managers at my office. Now don't get the wrong idea, I didn't fire anyone, say anything to damage the man's reputation, or post any funny or unprofessional pictures. And of course I admitted that it was me.

I did, of course, ask everyone for coffee.

And out of the six people that I sent IMs to, only one fell for it. Here is a typical message from me as PM. I'll call our manager "Ivan Spaulder," although that isn't his real name. And the "D" in "John D" is all fabrication on my part.

Ivan Spaulder says: John call me. We have a severe issue with data conversion. We need to truncate all names - get with Aaron on how to truncate

Ivan Spaulder says: I also need a large decaf latte from CC's if you don't mind

Ivan Spaulder says: And ask for Splenda... I can't have too much sugar

Ivan Spaulder says: One cream should be fine. Please get a stirrer

John D says: r u on drugs?

Ivan Spaulder says: does ecstacy count?

Ivan Spaulder says: are you going or what?

Ivan Spaulder says: just kidding this is Bobby

Ivan Spaulder says: did I fool you?!

John D says: well, how did you hack into Ivan's IM?

Ivan Spaulder says: I didn't, I just changed my IM name and picture

John D says: whoa!!!

Ivan Spaulder says: do you have Ivan's account info? I want to IM him but don't know what email he's associated with

John D says: you are scary!

Ivan Spaulder says: bwahaha!

Ivan Spaulder says: but seriously, I need some coffee

John D says: I don't think you need any stimulant

So you see, being a Project Manager is hard work. First of all, nobody takes you seriously. They don't listen to you or respect you. Secondly, you have to get your own coffee. Lastly, your staff ends up spoofing you and harassing other employees. The nerve of some people! So please, be kind to your local Project Managers, and give them the respect that they deserve.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Would You Like Fries With That?

Pizza is the greatest food in the known universe. It incorporates all of the food groups, even the 12 new food groups recently added onto the FDA's latest food pyramid. It has dairy, meat, grains and veggies. If you're lucky, you can even find a place to deep-fry it.

Deep-frying anything makes it taste better, and with today's technological breakthroughs, you can pretty much deep-fry anything. There are deep-fried Snickers, Twinkies, and even octopus tentacles.

But I've been trying to eat healthier these days, so instead of a deep-fried Mars Bar, I go to my local Subway and order a delightful 6 inch Roasted Chicken Breast sub with lettuce, tomatoes and olives, then deep-fry the crap out of it.

There are a plethora of ways to deep-fry your food. You can use Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO), Regular Ass Olive Oil (RAOO), or What the Hell Was I Thinking My Heart is Going to Explode Oil (WHWITMHGEO).

But the best oil of all is the oil you get off a freshly-made pizza. So remember to wring out your pizza the next time you eat it, and you might just make your next meal even better.

Cool It!

Today we reached a milestone in our project. It took thought, skill, cunning, courage and determination. It is, by far, the single greatest accomplishment we could have done for our organization.

We moved the water cooler.

The water cooler is a central part of any organization. People can meet, chat or simply hydrate. I don't know about you, but our workers work best when hydrated. Incidentally, they work worst when told that they are stupidheads.

I would also like to take this opportunity to bring my readers' attentions to the unselfishness of the water cooler. It is here 3.42857143, always ready to give, and when it is done and out, you can just put another jug of water on it and it's ready to go again. It even produces hot water, in case the scalding water from the coffee machine doesn't float your boat. You should take some time today and go hug your local water cooler.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Thinking is for Losers

Someone recently asked me, "Where do you get your ideas?" I thought he was trying to get trade secrets from me, and told him that I just made them up.

Then another person asked, and I thought she was part of a right-wing conspiracy.

After another person asked me, I thought, wow, this conspiracy must be vast.

But after yet another person, who may or may not be fictional, asked me, I had to relent. So this is for you, Dirty Spies.

Some of my ideas come from The Bright Idea Department, but I've found that not only do their ideas not eminate light, but some of them are more theories or practices than just abstract ideas.

Other ideas come from just the regular Idea Department. Their ideas are good, but not bright.

But most of my ideas come from an organization called IDEA. That is where I got my idea for a giant mellon that is also a car, so you can eat it when you get hungry. They also gave me the idea for using the Bright Idea and regular Idea Departments as backup.

You too can create your own blog, company, or ficticious personalities, and if you do, feel free to use my contacts to better yourself and those around you.

I'm Not Taking This Sitting Down

I hurt my back getting up from my "favorite seat" at my parents' house. It wouldn't be so bad if I had hurt it while doing something useful, like lifting heavy objects or making a baby.

I blame half of it on Tulane because I had to sit on bleacher seats for 6 hours while attending my brother's graduation ceremony, and the other half on my parents' weak back genes. And in an age where we lack personal responsibility, I feel sure that I can sue either Tulane, American Standard, or my family for my pain.

But things could be worse. On my way home from Lafayette, my wife and I passed a horrendous wreck on I-10, right off the Atchafalaya Basin. A truck going Eastbound ran off the road, smashing through a car on the Westbound lane. Two people died, and several smaller wrecks occurred.

So I wish everyone at work a great day. I hope you and your family are safe. I hope you made the most of Mother's Day. Remember to avoid the decaf, forget about the middle stall in the restrooms, and most of all, remember to stock up on BenGay patches.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! This post is dedicated solely to my mother, who would die of shame if she ever read my blog. Thanks for all you do, Ma!

Since the single greatest moment of my mother's life was the day I was born, I'd like to take the opportunity to explain how she came to splice her genes with my father's and create such a perfect specimen of humanity.

It all comes down to some very potent margaritas. If you knew me, you'd know how far that goes in explaining things. That's really all there is to the story. If you need more specifics to understand the rest of what happened, here is a great source of information.

So thanks again, Mom, and I hope you have a Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Tulane, Transvestites, and Other Things New Orleans is Famous For

My brother received his MBA from Tulane on Saturday, so we celebrated his persistence and desire for self-improvement by bringing my Grandad to see some transvestite strippers. We first thought to bring G-Dad to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, but we remembered he recently had a heart bypass and we didn't want to give my mom any excuse to force him to go back to the hotel. Yes, that's right, the whole fam went to Bourbon Street. My family's on crack. I caught the most beads, in case you were wondering.

Tulane really went all out for the graduation ceremonies. Former Prez's Bush and Clinton both spoke, mainly about their Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund. Ellen Degeneres was a surprise guest speaker. There was no bipartisan death match, but I did see a Tulane and Loyola Student Government fight break out. (They both lost, as you'd expect.)

One area that was lacking was Security. Usually you see a couple of cops searching purses and pockets, and giving Dentistry students tips on administering cavity searches. The only security this year seemed to be the thousands-strong horde of Tulane alumni. Also, it took almost an entire hour for the faculty and graduates to Elephant Walk to their seats during each ceremony - and we hit 2 ceremonies. Basically, I spent more time at Tulane on Saturday than I did at LSU in my entire 4 years.

Despite having to spend the time at Tulane's graduation ceremonies at Tulane itself, the trip was worth it because we got this great picture at Patches O'Houlihan's (also known as Pat O's). I'm also very proud of my brother for getting his MBA, and I know my G-Dad would be too if we could have ever gotten him out of that tranny bar.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Find Me in Da Club

Joining a club is a great way to meet people who have the same interests and hobbies as you. I've been a part of a Chess Club, Computer Club, and a Movie Club. I also recently joined a Book Club, and even though I'm one of only three people who actually reads the book each month, I am still having a good time. In high school I was in a Debate Club, where we basically just threw books and chairs at each other.

But recently when I joined the "Hair Club for Men" I discovered that it is not comprised of "Hair Enthusiasts" as seems logical, but is mostly made up of bald men. I also discovered that most of the men in the club do not enjoy talking about types of hair other than Head Hair. After bringing up Back Hair, Ear Hair, Nose Hair, and Eyebrows, I received little to no feedback. My talk of Mustaches and Beards left a lot to be desired. I also found out that most of these men do not enjoy my poining out their baldness. Can you believe it!?!

I think we should have standards in this country, and if you want to be in a club you should at least take an interest in the core topic of the club.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

What's in a Name?

Lot of people have no musical ability, yet some of these people manage to have hits on the Top 40 countdown. If they can do it, so can you. The first step to success is a great name. For instance, Kevin Federline's stage name is Cletus, which has done wonders for him even though his music sounds like someone is farting into the microphone. In light of this information, I'll give you a great band name, and you just cut me in for 10% of the profits.

It goes along the basic plan of making money:

Step 1: Come up with an idea
Step 2:
Step 3: Profit

As you can see, Step 2 is empty. This is so you can fill in the value for yourself.

So let's talk about band names. You want something that is going to draw a crowd no matter what. You want something that, if you saw it on a sign on the way home one night, you would want to stop in and see what the deal is, or you'd at least tell your friends about. I'm all about viral advertising.

First awesome name: "Free Drinks Until Midnight / Ladies' Night" It may take a while for you to get picked up, but you'll be sure to draw a crowd. Unless you're working at a bar where the patrons can take a joke, you may just want to take your money (if you were smart enough to get an advance) and run like the dickens. You should obviously not use your real name or accept gigs at bars in your home town.

Second name: "Axl Rose." Axl Rose was recently signed on to sing at a club in downtown Lafayette, LA. It turns out that it was a scam, but luckily the check was made on a holiday weekend so it was cancelled in the nick of time. Apparently nobody really checks your credentials if you're managing Axl Rose. Get to it!

Third semi-wonderful name: "The Dance, Dance Revolution." You can hop around on a dance pad while you belt out your favorite tunes. Just remember to keep your weight on your pivot foot.

And the final great band name: "Midget Wrestling." Come on, you know everyone loves it. You'd draw a crowd, although after realizing you are a band, and probably not a very good one at that, you may get harassed by large, hulking figures. Try to recruit to suit your needs. And wear spandex. A mullet wouldn't hurt, either.

I hope I have helped you on your road to success. Remember the little people when you hit the big time. You always have the option to marry a very rich but incredibly dumb blonde from the South.

Dog Days

I really want a dog, but my wife won't let me get one until we build a fence. I'm too cheap to pay someone to build a fence for me, and I'm too lazy and/or incompetent to do it myself. You would think that those reasons would deter me from having a dog in the first place, but I am like a 4 year old stuck in a man's body - I want what I want, and I want it NOW!!!

So I've devised a fail-proof plan. Instead of building a 'fence' per se, my plan is to allow a natural barrier to grow between my yard and my neighbors' by only mowing the interior of my lawn, leaving a 3 foot stretch of grass and weeds to grow between yards. In time it will become an impenetrable forest that no dog could escape.

My neighbor's St. Augustine is starting to invade my Bermuda grass, and since St. Augustine grows about 4x the rate of Bermuda, I should have a firm barrier up within the next two months. I've deduced this by keeping detailed notes on how large my neighbor's grass grows before he finally decides to walk around sweaty and topless behind the lawn mower.

My only hope is that my neighbor doesn't decide to do me any favors or get irritated enough and mow this stretch of land for me. I have rejected the idea of hiding shrapnel in tufts of clovers as a deterrent - I don't want the dog to get hurt by sniffing around and finding something like that.

Hopefully in two months' time I'll have some updates on my amazing and talented dog. I'm thinking of either getting a weiner dog and naming it 'Zabada' (which means 'weiner' in Arabic) or 'Trogdor the Burninator.'

If my yard plan fails (and how could it???) I'll just get a hamster and name it Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.

Alien vs. Baby

My good friend recently had a baby, and as most people will attest when a momentus event like this occurs, the talk turned to aliens.

One of my coworkers suggested that all babies look like aliens. After spending literally seconds comparing aliens to babies, I've determined that he may be right. For instance, compare this picture of an alien to this picture of a baby. The resemblence is uncanny.

Of course, our perception of aliens may not be entirely accurate. For example, there are a lot of aliens working in Texas, California and New Mexico that just look like hispanic people. And if these people are any indication of what aliens are really like, then at least they have good food. Although baby food is pretty gross, so maybe it's a crapshoot.

Speaking of crapshoot, I bet the aliens in the movies don't need to be changed every hour on the hour. Although they can spit up a lot, as evidenced in The Fly with that Chaos Theory guy from Jurassic Park. And they can come out of a woman's belly, like in Alien 3. So maybe they do have a lot in common.

But who knows? Maybe my friend's baby really is an alien. If so, at least we know that the baby is not an Illegal.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Kentucky Derby Scam Rocks Nation

The Kentucky Derby has come and gone, and once again Seabiscuit did not live up to the hype. In fact, I don't think the horse even ran. Hollywood has once again cashed in on their propoganda, spreading their lies like Johnny Appleseed roaming the countryside, and we all fell for it. I bet Seabiscuit DVD sales went through the roof. Not only did Seabiscuit not race, but I doubt Toby Maguire was even in Kentucky that day.

I have spent a good part of my morning in rebellion, emptying glue containers all over the sidewalk. I started to spell "Seabiscuit is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy" but I ran out of sidewalk space, and the parking attendant must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because he wasn't too friendly when I started to spread my message across the parking lot. He would not accept my logical, rational argument of the hypocrisy of the Kentucky Derby, which was to be expected, and even went so far as to confiscate an entire box of my Elmer's Glue arsenal.

It looks like our parking meter friends have been taken in by this propoganda routine. This is truly a shame. I bet they were even paid off by the proceeds from the $1,000 Mint Juleps.

The Fungus Among Us

Yesterday we found a thick layer of fungus lurking in the bottom of our decaf carafe. One of my coworkers, who I'll call Fungus Lover (not his real name), said he thought the fungus was leaking penicillin into the decaf and it would ultimately make us stronger. This was, of course, after he spooned it out and we all examined its gestating form in the kitchen sink.

So today as I was walking into work, I noticed a thin layer of grime growing out from our door, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Upon further inspection, it appears that our young fungi friend mutated, sort of like the Blob, and grew itself all the way down to our bathroom. It probably needed a damp, moist area. So now it's set up some sort of lair, and worst of all it's made its main den the middle bathroom stall (which was by far the best one to use). So now we have to use the first floor's bathroom. Not very convenient.

I just thank God it was decaf and not the Cafe Special. Can you imagine what would have happened had it been festering in caffeine!?!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Subway to Rename Sandwich Artists

Subway, the sandwich firm that popularized the hoagie diet, is set to rename the venerable title of "Sandwich Artist." In a national contest put on the by IRTBA, the polls show that most Americans think that the title of "Sandwich Artist" should be changed to "Sandwich Consultant."

Most sentiments seem to indicate that the assembly line method of producing sandwiches stifles innovation, and that most of these so-called "artists" have little or no technique. In a survey of 1,732 Subway employees conducted by the FCPA, only 159 had attended a Liberal Arts college.

Although the majority of voters agreed that the title is misleading, Neisha G. of Jacksonville disagrees. "My actual title within the company is 'Chicken Nuker.' I'm the person who puts your chicken breast in the microwave, and occasionally remembers to take it out. Sometimes I work as a cashier, where I have to wrap everyone's sandwiches. In the biz, we call that 'Wrapping the 6-inch.' We wear rouge in case a customer orders a footlong."

Being an artist is Neisha's dream, and Subway delivered on that dream... only to have it now shattered.

"It's crushing," Neisha said. "I liked being part of the vast left-wing conspiratal hegemony that was Subway. Now I'm likened to more of a Moderate. I've lost all kinds of street cred."

More to come when my informant finishes his delicious Roasted Chicken Breast Van Gogh (on wheat).

Tanory Creates Blog, Universe Implodes

Life is now changing. You can read all about it in this blog. You may want to read in spurts because the world will be changing as you read and it may be too much to take in after you read a bunch of crap in one sitting. I'm just warning you - it's that serious.

To make a long blog short, I have a lot of friends in high places, and they are telling me all kinds of crazy stuff. And now I'm telling you. I don't promise that it will be funny, thrilling or chilling. But I will promise you this: It will definitely be funny, thrilling and chilling.