Thursday, May 11, 2006

What's in a Name?

Lot of people have no musical ability, yet some of these people manage to have hits on the Top 40 countdown. If they can do it, so can you. The first step to success is a great name. For instance, Kevin Federline's stage name is Cletus, which has done wonders for him even though his music sounds like someone is farting into the microphone. In light of this information, I'll give you a great band name, and you just cut me in for 10% of the profits.

It goes along the basic plan of making money:

Step 1: Come up with an idea
Step 2:
Step 3: Profit

As you can see, Step 2 is empty. This is so you can fill in the value for yourself.

So let's talk about band names. You want something that is going to draw a crowd no matter what. You want something that, if you saw it on a sign on the way home one night, you would want to stop in and see what the deal is, or you'd at least tell your friends about. I'm all about viral advertising.

First awesome name: "Free Drinks Until Midnight / Ladies' Night" It may take a while for you to get picked up, but you'll be sure to draw a crowd. Unless you're working at a bar where the patrons can take a joke, you may just want to take your money (if you were smart enough to get an advance) and run like the dickens. You should obviously not use your real name or accept gigs at bars in your home town.

Second name: "Axl Rose." Axl Rose was recently signed on to sing at a club in downtown Lafayette, LA. It turns out that it was a scam, but luckily the check was made on a holiday weekend so it was cancelled in the nick of time. Apparently nobody really checks your credentials if you're managing Axl Rose. Get to it!

Third semi-wonderful name: "The Dance, Dance Revolution." You can hop around on a dance pad while you belt out your favorite tunes. Just remember to keep your weight on your pivot foot.

And the final great band name: "Midget Wrestling." Come on, you know everyone loves it. You'd draw a crowd, although after realizing you are a band, and probably not a very good one at that, you may get harassed by large, hulking figures. Try to recruit to suit your needs. And wear spandex. A mullet wouldn't hurt, either.

I hope I have helped you on your road to success. Remember the little people when you hit the big time. You always have the option to marry a very rich but incredibly dumb blonde from the South.


Aaron said...

We all know sex sells, so you could always go the route, "Naked Women" with the slogan:

"Come see Naked Women tonight only"

Anonymous said...

The anticipation of "women's oilk wrestling" would bring in a crowd. But, to go along with the mom of a very well know celebrity, I
would dip giant teabags in hot oil and keep slamming them against
each other. The band would probably suck, but the entertainment
would rock. I would also get paid in advance on a nonholiday.