Monday, June 05, 2006

DJ Craptastic

Today's music is crap. You can't let your children listen to the radio without fear of them hearing something indecent. Why can't our music revert to how it was in the Good Ol' Days, where we had easy-listening favorites that the whole family could enjoy, such as "Sexual Healing," "Let's Get It On," and "I Want Your Monkey Sex."

And if you are thinking about making music for today's market, there are a couple of things that you need to keep in mind. First, you must build off of another "musician's" work. For instance, if a new word is used in a song, you should try incorporating that word in your own song. Recent examples of this type of styling are "bootylicious" and "ba-donk-a-donk." Second, you must remove all appearances of trying to create a unique or stylistic approach to adding notes to your music - everything must be removed except for drums and bass; all we care about is the beat. Third, you need not even waste your time recording music if you have actual talent. We can reproduce pitch with the touch of a button. All we need is for someone to speak in the microphone slowly, precisely, and exactly how we wrote the lyrics. It also doesn't hurt to be a good-looking person, but we can alter that as well.

But if for some reason you are deemed unworthy to spend the time, money and marketing power on, you can always resort to becoming a DJ. To become a DJ, all you need to do is take some music that is already popular, speed it up and overlay it with a drum beat. Then you need to come up with a cool DJ name. You want a unique name, so avoid names like DJ Tanner, DJ Qualls, and DJ Jazzy Jeff.

In conclusion, remember: it's not about you. It was never about you. You are just a means to an end. What end, you may be asking yourself? Hopefully, a happy one.

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