Thursday, August 10, 2006

Cooking vs. Pizza: A Tanory Tantrum Death Match

Last night my wife called me from her car, where she was stuck in traffic, and uttered words that strikes fear in the heart of every red-blooded American male living in my domicile: "Would you mind cooking dinner tonight?"

I don't know how things are done in your house, but in my house the only thing I'm allowed to "cook" is PB & J sandwiches and grilled cheese. I can also make a mean bowl of cereal. I'm actually pretty good at breakfast - eggs, grits, biscuits, etc - which just goes to show you how easy it is to make breakfast. Okay, and steaks, but every man can make steaks, so those don't count.

Here is what I was instructed to make:

1. Fish
2. Mashed potatoes
3. Asparagus

Sounds simple enough. However, here are the results, in corresponding order:

1. Too much seasoning on the fish kept our stomachs from being able to process it. Actually, I ate all of the fish, but was unable to feel my legs for the rest of the night;

2. Mashed potatoes came out great, if you like gummy taters; and

3. Asparagus is my house is now known as ass-paragus. I was supposed to use the Balsamic Vinegar but couldn't find it, so resorted to using Raspberry Walnut Vinegarette, which, by the way, does not go well with ass-paragus. I also used garlic powder instead of actual garlic, only to find out that garlic powder does not have the same affect on vampires as garlic cloves. I feel like I should have been told this over the phone.

I'm fine with computers... computers I can understand. Give me a byte over a spatula any day, and I'll be okay. Maybe I just need to automate my kitchen. Hmm....

So I guess what I'm saying is, Honey, I appreciate you more than ever. Also, I will be ordering pizza if you are going to be late tonight.

No comments: