Thursday, September 07, 2006

Mothra, the Red-Headed Step-Child of the Godzilla Franchise

I've always liked movies dealing with monsters and/or mythology. Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans, King Kong... there's just something about a gargantuan creature wreaking havoc on the peasants that is just plain awesome.

I like when monsters have plausible beginnings. For instance, Godzilla is the byproduct of radioactivity left-over from atomic bombs. Hurray! And don't get me started on David Bowie's Goblin King in Labyrinth. Anyone who can trap Jennifer Connelly in a maze is a hero in my book.

But then you have characters like Mothra.

Mothra is a miserable excuse for a monster. All Mothra's lazy ass does is fly around, shooting poisonous dust and electricity at Godzilla. Yawn. Where's my mothballs? I know I have my tennis racquet bug zapper around here somewhere....

I also heard rumors that Mothra tried to pollinate some male flowers. Oh no he di' int!

The only way somebody is going to be afraid of a humongous gay moth is if there is a sweatshop nearby that is cranking out fashionable wool shirts.

My kind of monster is more like... oh, say... SpaceGodzilla.

SpaceGodzilla is able to travel through time at mach 3 and can create Gravity Tornados in deep space. Apparently Mothra had something to do with SpaceGodzilla getting created, but Mothra is still a little bitch. Did I mention SpaceGodzilla has a crystal fortress?

So thanks again, Greece and Japan, for letting me enjoy all of your monstrosities! I can't wait for the next big summer blockbuster, "Gangsta Monstahs": the West Side featuring King Kong, Cobra Commander and Katie Couric vs. the East Side with Godzilla, Bruce Lee and a Chinese paper dragon.

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