I'm officially offering my services to any company that wants to put me on a national commercial.
Here's the deal, all you corporate executives and studio mogols: I have no shame. You can put me in any commercial you want, as long as it's a national commercial.
Diarrhea? Sure, I've had that, and better yet, you can pay me to pretend like I have it again. I like to get into the heads of the characters I portray, so I might eat an entire package of sugar-free Twizzlers just to get in character. I'm like the Daniel Day-Lewis of diarrhea commercials.
Diet pills? Heck yeah. Mortgage loan? Why not? Erectile dysfunction? I'll be the Bob Dole of Generation Y for some cash money.
I know that I have a face for radio but a voice for the silent movies, so I have no dillusions of being a famous actor that people would actually pay to see. But let's be honest, nobody wants to be in a national commercial about constipation - except me. You know it's true.
Let's make it happen. I'm going to store to buy some sugar-free Twizzlers if anyone is looking for me.