Friday, February 01, 2008

Udderly Ridiculous at Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras is one of my favorite holidays, mainly because it's one of the three days during the year when it's perfectly acceptable to dress up as a cow, put on a t-shirt, stand on the corner and flash one's udders to unsuspecting passerbys. The other two days where this is perfectly acceptable are Halloween and National Dress Like a Cow and Flash People Day (December 12th).

Certain people enjoy being flashed by a guy in a cow outfit more than others. Foreigners, for example, can't get enough of my udders. Cops, on the other hand, not so much.

Most small children love the cow outfit, however wearing a cow outfit around children is dangerous business, considering that the udders fall right around my crotch. I don't know what the law says about children yanking on a grown man's udders, but I'm sure it doesn't rule in my favor.

Fear of being branded a pedophile aside, dressing up like the cow has many benefits, like when an uncostumed woman returns the favor and shows you her udders. (It's New Orleans during Mardi Gras - you're bound to see it anyway. This way you just don't have to give her any of your hard-earned beads!) It's also a lot of fun to flash people marching and playing in the bands during the parades to try to make them laugh and mess up.

You might be saying to yourself, "Wow, dressing up like a cow with big juicy udders, hiding them under a shirt and then flashing someone sounds like a lot of fun! How do I do that?"

Have no fear! Just follow these easy steps and you'll soon be getting beads from eccentric strangers in no time.

1. Buy a cow outfit.

I bought mine at Wal-Mart 8 years ago for a fraternity exchange with my wife's sorority. I haven't washed it since, which gives the cow outfit a more authentic smell.

2. Pick out a shirt to wear over your costume.

In the past I've worn my "Caution: Drunk!" and "Legalize Pot Pie" shirts, but this year I'm going with my very own creation, "I Love Ground Chuck."

3. Put on the cow outfit and put your shirt over it.

You should also wear clothes under your cow outfit in case someone yanks your udders too hard and the plastic udders rip off of the cow outfit. Unless you just really enjoy drafts.

4. Walk outside, stand on a busy street corner (preferably at a parade), hold the shirt down over your udders, stare someone down, then flash people when they happen to glance at you.

If you can get someone to stand alongside you and yell or scream to get someone's attention, all the better!

You're all set to follow in my hooves-steps and flash the bejesus out of someone. Just remember, if you get arrested for flashing cops, don't call me to bail you out.

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