Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Valentine Murder Mystery

Betty and I joined some friends at Ralph & Kacoo's on Sunday for a dinner show called "A Valentine Murder Mystery." It was kind of like a live-action version of "Clue," but with food.

I don't want to spoil it, but the killer was the chef, in the kitchen, with the puffer fish.

[Picture: Butler + Candlestick = Blunt Trauma to the Head]
In Clue, Butler + Candlestick = Blunt Trauma to the Head

Let me first say, the service at Ralph & Kacoo's was great. Originally they didn't have us down on the reservations list - they had us down for the night before. But after I explained to them how my wife was pregnant and was hungry, and that if she didn't eat right then she would get angry, and how she turns into a smaller, fiercer, just less green version of the Hulk when she's angry - and you don't want to see her when she's angry - they managed to accommodate us.

After they arranged for us to sit, our waitress made sure that we were taken care of. It's pretty handy to have a 7+ months pregnant woman sitting with you to get your server's attention, especially when there are 40 other people being waited on by the same person.

But great service aside, everything else totally sucked.

First, the food was terrible. Sure, it was a Murder Mystery play, but we were there to eat as well. And it's really hard to concentrate on amateur acting when your stomach is actively refusing the food you've just jammed down it. For a while there I thought I was supposed to be the one who gets murdered - by the chef.

Quick interlude: One time when I was a kid, I tried to order seafood at a BBQ place. My dad, in all of his infinite wisdom, told me, "Son, when you're at a BBQ place, you get BBQ. When you're at a steak place, you get steak."

Ah, words to live by.

Unfortunately for me, Ralph & Kacoo's didn't understand this simple rule to the restaurant business. Betty got the rib eye, but I ordered the Rainbow Trout - Ralph & Kacoo's is a seafood place, after all, and I always aim to make my dad proud - but it tasted like congealed vomit, only worse. I don't even think the fish would have eaten it had it been chum in the ocean.

Second, the acting was terrible. The story of the Murder Mystery goes like this: a group of celebrities (played by the actors) meets in a large room to celebrate the Oscars. There are a couple of actors, a producer, a director, etc. Then a movie critic, whom everyone hates, arrives, pisses a bunch of people off with his witty banter, and subsequently gets poisoned and dies.

But who dun it?! Oh my!

My thoughts as to who did it: Who cares? My stomach felt like it was about to lurch off the table, grab the stuffed Marlin on the side of the wall, and stab me with it.

[Picture of alleged marlin]
Death by marlin spear would have been a better fate than sitting through the Murder Mystery at Ralph & Kacoo's

The character of the critic must have been based on a real-life critic who actually saw the Valentine Murder Mystery at Ralph & Kacoo's. But had someone actually killed him, chopped him up and put him in my food, it probably would have tasted better than what I was served.

Sure, there are a lot of reasons to cut the Murder Mystery some slack. First, it was in a restaurant - if we wanted to see real acting, we should have gone to the theater. Touche'. Second, if we wanted to eat well for $100, we should have gone to Ruth's Chris. Touche' again. Third, if we wanted our stomachs to not be in dire straights, we should have actually thrown up instead of holding it down to "be a man." Touche' thrice. But live and learn, I guess.

1 comment:

Joan Price said...

I went to a touring dinner theater company for a murder mystery kind of thing. I was pleasantly surprised. I always thought they were super cheesey and not worth the money, but I wound up having a good time.

Maybe there will be another valentine murder mystery. It sounds like a fun theme. =)