Sunday, February 24, 2008

Your Princess is in Another Castle

I just beat Super Mario Galaxy for the Nintendo Wii. Actually, I beat it at 2:15 on Saturday morning, and staying up that late had serious consequences of which are too difficult to explain in this blog post. Regardless, I think I have some much-needed advice for Mario:

Give it up.

Seriously, bro, how many times have you saved Princess Peach? And yet you're still not "Prince Mario." There's a reason for that: she's not into you. It's time to move on with your life.

Maybe Princess Peach likes being kidnapped by Bowser every year or so. Have you ever thought of that? Some women just like all the attention.

And let's face it: you're a plumber and she's a princess. That only works in the movies. Bad movies.

Bowser's actually not a bad suitor for Princess Peach, if you look past his mutant turtle persona. Bowser is also known as King Koopa, so he actually is royalty while you're just a plumber. Sure, you have skills that every American family will need at multiple points in their lives, but kings have money, land, and, quite often, huge scepters.

If you really want to continue your tireless adventures across the universe to save your beloved princess, you might want to consider a change of outfit. Seriously, you've been sporting that red and blue outfit for twenty-something years now. And the overalls - are those simply to hide your plumber's crack or do you just like looking like a lumberjack?

Also, you might want to consider that maybe Princess Peach isn't into mustache rides, know what I mean?

I'll admit, watching you save the princess time and time again is endless fun. Super Mario Galaxy was a great game. But do you know what's even more fun? Watching you fail in your love life for twenty-something years.

In Donkey Kong you saved Pauline. Who was Pauline? Was she just a friend? What happened with her? Oh, I remember now, she was a primatologist studying gorillas, who was doing Nobel-like work out in the jungle with Donkey Kong until you came along and snatched her from her job. How did that work out for you?

And what about Princess Daisy? You saved her from Tatanga in Super Mario Land and how did she repay you? By shagging your younger yet taller (and more handsome) brother Luigi. All too familiar.

Look, Mario, you're a good guy so I'll be a straight shooter with you. You've got heart - maybe too much heart. You're working too hard for this girl. Chicks like it when you ignore then a little bit. That makes them think you don't like them, then they start thinking about why you don't like them, then they realize that they care about why you don't like them - and once you've established that they care for you, then you can save them from your arch-nemeses. You're not giving Princess Peach any room to miss you.

So Mario, I wish you good luck on your quest for love. Until then, you'll just have to keep cleaning your own pipes, plumber boy.

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