I have officially been named my wife's "Birthing Coach." To celebrate, I bought a whistle and lanyard, then watched reruns of the past three Super Bowls on the NFL Network.
As Coach of the Team Tanory Birthing All-Stars it's my job to get my wife in shape for the birth of the baby. I've been scoping out the competition and I think I've drawn up enough plays to give us an edge. We'll just have to drill our butts off over the next couple of days if we plan on winning this thing.
I won't lie, it's going to be tough. This will be our first time to the big game and we'll be up against birthing teams who have done this two, three, four... up to eighty times for all I know. But what we don't have in the way of experience we will make up with tenacity.
Watching reruns of Super Bowls on the NFL Network gave me a couple of great ideas. For example, the Defensive Coordinator usually tells his defense how to set up by way of waving flags or giving hand gestures. Using this stratagem, I've gone ahead and devised a table of hundreds of different hand signals and flag colors that I'll be waving throughout pregnancy. I've also fitted a microphone and ear-piece inside of a helmet that Betty can wear so I can talk to her when I'm pacing the sidelines.
Everybody on board? Great. Let's get all our hands in here, and on three on three, one, two, three.... Teeeeaaaaam Tanory!
Now gimme three laps, starting on the whistle.