Monday, March 10, 2008


If you've ever wondered what sounds a small army of geese would make if they were to surround you and to all honk in unison as loudly as possible intermittently for two minutes straight, all the while honking into a microphone with two super-powered amplifiers pointed at your head, then you've obviously never had your car alarm go off while you're sitting in the car.

It's time for my wife's car's annual inspection, but the car needed a quick tune-up before I could pay someone $18 cash to put a new shiny sticker on the windshield. So I took the car to Midas because I trust the Midas touch. My hope is that something in my car turns to gold which I can then sell on the Black Market. Baby needs a new pair of Wii games!

So I gently pulled into a parking spot. I put the car in park and turned off the ignition. Then I reached into the glove compartment to find the license and registration. You never know when you'll need those things.

If you're like me, you keep every single record of your vehicle's maintenance neatly stored in a crumpled heap of origami boulders in the glove compartment. This makes trying to find the license and registration a little difficult. While sifting through mounds of paperwork it got a little hot, so I decided to open the car's door (since previously I had turned the car off and could not simply roll down the window).

"Blaaah! Blaaah! Blaaah!" My car was going crazy!

"Don't panic," I said to myself. Yes, I talk to myself all the time, deal with it. "There must be a button or something there that will turn off the alarm." I looked for a good minute and could find nothing that stopped the blaring bleat of my car's horn.

"Blaaah! Blaaah! Blaaah! Blaaah-you'll-never-turn-me-off-blaaah!"

Shitballs! Where is the fricking button!

I thought about driving off, then wondered if the alarm would ever die down or if I would just end up driving home with my alarm bleating every two seconds. Would a cop pull me over and shoot me for being such a moron?

I frantically searched the car for any button that looked like it would turn off the alarm. I pushed every button I could find. I locked and unlocked the doors from inside the car, I turned on and off the radio... I even put the parking brake up. No luck. I thumbed through the car's manual and didn't see anything on the table of contents that said "How to turn off the alarm if you are stuck inside the car."

I was that guy that can't turn his own alarm off! How embarrassing!

I slumped back in my seat, and without warning, the car went dead silent. Victory! "Slumping in the seat must have worked!" I shouted in joy to myself. "I did it! I saved the day!"

In my jubilation and relief, I forgot to carefully read every page of the car's manual, so little did I know that my car's security system is set to only blare the alarm for two minutes before tiring out. I had not, in fact, saved the day. Oh no. My day was about to get a lot noisier for two more minutes.

"Blaaah! Blaaah! Blaaah!"

What did I do this time?! I had only opened the door again! Why was my car possessed? Was it the discount gasoline? Is that why you're mad at me, car? Answer me!

So I had two more minutes to carefully read over the car's manual, and figured out that I had to step out of my car, place the key in the driver's side lock on the outside of the car, and twist. Afterwards, blissful silence.

I turned around to glance at the Midas employees working in the garage, and sure enough, they were all glaring at me with their arms crossed. I knew what they were thinking: we're in for some serious trouble. Who knows what's wrong with this guy's car.

Maybe tomorrow I'll actually get the car inspected. Every day is a new adventure.

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