Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Tree's a Crowd

Either I have a sinus infection, am allergic to something, or my body has simply decided to kick up mucus production into full gear.

Hopefully I'll be healthy before the baby gets here, otherwise I'll be quarantined from seeing the birth of my own baby. Or maybe I'll just have to wear a mask.

Wearing a mask might be a lot of fun - I can just pretend like I'm at the Olympics in China, where masks are merely the first line of defense against bird flu, pollution and Tibetan revolts. My Olympic event will be the Dad-a-thalon Derby, where I will challenge other fathers in changing diapers, putting the baby to sleep and playing Guitar Hero III all at the same time.

If only I could beat that Metallica song on Hard! Damn you, Metallica!

However, if my sinus issues are due to an allergic reaction then I'm declaring an all-out war on trees. Pollen is, to put it simply yet disgustingly, a tree's sperm. That means some tree got its rocks off and I inhaled some of it. I hope this doesn't affect my standing in the heterosexual community. I have already declared war on veggies, and it was just a matter of time until trees became one of my primary targets. This sinus infection is just the straw that broke the horny tree's back.

Don't blame me, trees - you brought this upon yourself. Next time, keep it in your parents... er, bark.

So the next time you're outside, kick a tree in its nuts and tell it that came from the Tanory Tantrum.

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