Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The First Rule of Pregnancy (for Dads-to-be)

As everyone knows, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club, and the second rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Likewise, if your wife is pregnant, the first rule of Pregnancy is that you don't talk about your wife's hormones. This is also the second rule, as well as rules three through Rule 425 Section B Article 7.

Good thing my couch is so comfy, because that's probably where I'll be for the next week. Yes, I mentioned the hormones.

There's no defending it. I shouldn't have said it. Actually, it didn't need to be said at all. My wife has been outstanding throughout this pregnancy. She's more mild-mannered now then she was before. Heck, she's more mild-mannered than I am! If anything, my hormones have been more out of whack than hers. I'm emotional, dammit!

So why did I say what I said?

I know it's not an excuse, but at the very moment I said it my body was trying to multi-task. If there's anything you should know about me after reading my blog for any length of time it's that 1) I'm an idiot, 2) I'm useless, and C) I can't multi-task.

I was fighting ants in my kitchen at the time. My brain was telling me, "Squash these fascist insects and let the kitchen return to its flowering democracy!" while my ears were hearing, "You are really cute up there on that stool killing ants." My oh my I was in no mood to hear my wife talking about how magnificent my butt is. I just totally lost control.

"There are ants up here! Don't you understand! I am not a piece of meat!" (My statement about her hormones will not be posted here, as I'd like to sleep in my own bed sometime this year.)

I broke the first rule of Pregnancy, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was trying to be heroic and instead ended up being a jerk. I will be your Huckleberry if that's what you want. Just let me come back to bed.

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