Sunday, June 29, 2008

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith

For our anniversary Betty got me the new Guitar Hero: Aerosmith game for the Wii. This may at first seem like an odd choice for an anniversary gift until you understand that Betty always gets me Nintendo gear so I'll be too preoccupied to bug her for sex.

And once again her schemes have worked. Go team!

[Picture: Bobby Tanory - Guitar Legend]

There's a reason you can't see below the belt: I rocked my pants off.

For my part, I got Betty bubble bath liquid and crystals, plus foaming lotion bubbles from Bath Junkie. I write this not to impress you with my giftability but to remind myself for next year when I need to get Betty something for our five year anniversary so I don't get her the same thing. (Thanks in advance, Bob!)

Giving gifts used to be so much easier before we got our patio. I would just promise Betty that I'd build the patio sometime within the next year, then procrastinate. It was the gift that kept on giving. Next time I'll procrastinate harder so I'll retain any large fallback gifts.

Speaking of procrastinating, I've put off playing Guitar Hero long enough. I've got so much Sweet Emotion for this game that I guess it's time to get Back in the Saddle Again. Now if only I can get Betty to make Love in an Elevator with me then I'll have made the Aerosmith pun trifecta!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Destroyer of Obstacles

My cousin Elizabeth and my Aunt Penny are on a mission trip in India to help poor children living in squalor. They're working out of Khardah, a city just north of Calcutta (or Kolkota - however we're spelling it nowadays). We can only assume that they are also assisting with your tech support calls about why Vista keeps crashing.

Lizzy visits the schools in the area and works with the children. I just learned that apparently my cousin is not only beautiful, smart and athletic, but she can also speak Bengali. Overachievers make me sick!

While Lizzy's at school, Penny puts her nursing background to work by performing wound care to the homeless people who live at the Dum Dum and Sealdah train stations and other areas. Penny has obtained a reputation as a healer and is currently enjoying a "celebrity Angelina-like status!"

I can't tell you how proud I am of Elizabeth and Penny. It's really wonderful that they're giving their time and energy to these people. And it would be even more wonderful if they brought me back a little statue of Ganesha.

I've always felt a strong association with India, which may have something to do with the fact that I'm a computer programmer. From working with Indians I've learned that although there are thousands of different gods in the Hindu heritage, they are all just different facets of their supreme god, Brahman.

But my favorite Hindu god is Ganesha, or more accurately, the 7th Incarnation of Ganesha named Vighnaraja, the "Destroyer of Obstacles." Ganesha is the god that Indians worship before they start any task or journey. He has the head of an elephant, uses a mouse as a vehicle, and is basically just the coolest Hindu god there is. Name one other elephant-headed mouse-riding god that has at least 7 incarnations... yeah, that's what I thought! In your face, Hanuman!

So in the spirit of their mission I will be praying to Ganesha for a safe journey home for my cousin, Godmother and statue of Ganesha.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Mario Kart Madness

For my Father's Day present, Betty got me Mario Kart for the Wii and I can't stop playing it. I'm totally addicted. Sometimes I even sleepwalk and play it in my sleep. I guess I "Sleep-drive" or "Sleep-Wii." And just in case you were wondering, yes, I'm the most incredible Mario Karter that's ever lived!

If you've never played Mario Kart then you've never experienced the thrill of shooting the driver in front of you with a red turtle shell homing missile, the sheer joy of dropping a banana peel for the guy behind you to slip on, or the satisfaction of running someone off the road and into the abyss of a deep gorge. If you're really lucky you can get a lightning bolt, which turns everyone else into miniature versions of themselves, then you can squash'em.

It's family fun!

I only wish that life imitated art. I sure could use some of those red turtle shell heat seeking missiles when driving around Baton Rouge!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

A couple of weeks ago I saw an author named David Sedaris on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I hadn't read anything by Sedaris but just from the interview I could tell that I would like his work.

So when I saw that he would be promoting his new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, by attending a book signing at the Barnes and Noble in Baton Rouge, I said to myself: why not?

Betty and Anne met me at Barnes and Noble to cheer me on as I bought several books to be signed, but they left early in the night so Betty could get back to feed Anne. It was either that or have the Milk Truck visit Barnes and Noble.

Fast forward to Thursday morning at 1:15 am. I had been at Barnes and Noble since 7 pm. The book signing was supposed to be from 7-9 but a crapload of people showed up for this thing. Apparently Baton Rouge loves David Sedaris.

To while away the hours I read the entirety of one of Sedaris's books called Holiday on Ice, then a few stories from another one of his books, Me Talk Pretty One Day. If the people around me hadn't been ardent Sedaris fans then they probably would have thought I had some kind of mental problem from the way I kept guffawing out loud.

Although it took six hours to get David Sedaris's "Herbie Hancock," I have to give him a lot of credit: he signed books for six hours straight without taking a break; he made an effort to chat with every single person who stayed to see him; and last, everyone who met him walked away with a huge smile on their face - including me.

So check out David Sedaris's new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, unless you are one of the people for whom I got an autographed copy.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

CWS Gumbo

On Tuesday the LSU Tigers played the Rice Owls in the College World Series. Rice was winning going into the ninth inning, but LSU had something up their sleeves: a gumbo pot.

"Ah sha," said Blake Dean, who hit the game-scoring double which drove in three runs, "we had ourselves a pot, a roux, some extra chicken and sausage, and all we needed was some rice. Well, we done dumped Rice into our pot."

Dean is currently majoring in Baseball with a concentration in Culinary References.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Defensive Testing

A week or so ago I got a speeding ticket, and Saturday I took my Defensive Driving class out at the Safety Council in Baton Rouge. I passed my Defensive Driving test with a 97%.

Now a 97% sounds pretty good, but you have to understand, driving tests and I have a history together. Back when I first got my license, I aced by Driver's Ed course but then failed the Driver's test twice, both times because I analyzed the questions too much. The third time I took the test, I told myself that the driving tests were written by the retards at the DMV, and that they were made so that complete morons could pass them. Once I stopped thinking critically about the answers and just answered whatever I thought an idiot would answer, I aced it.

So I took issue with the one item I got wrong on my test. When the moderator gave me my certificate, I told her that one of the questions on the test was wrong. She laughed a little, then her face dropped after she looked up and saw that I was giving her my "Bob Stare." She gave me a blank look for a few seconds, then asked what was wrong.

I went into Lecture Mode. "The Safety Council promotes the 'Two Second Rule'," I began, then explaining (in case she didn't know) that the Two Second Rule is "where you follow behind another vehicle by two seconds. However, that rule only applies when there are ideal driving directions. When it's raining, the road is wet or there are other hazards on the road, two seconds is not enough time to give yourself when following another car."

I asked if she agreed with my definition, and reluctantly she agreed that she did.

"So why," I continued, "when your test asked if it was true that 2 seconds is enough time to give yourself when driving on wet pavement, I answered false but your test said the answer was true?"

She thought about it for a second.

"It is true. You need to give yourself at least two seconds."

"Aha!" I exclaimed. "I agree that you need to give yourself at least two seconds, since giving yourself more than two seconds would encompass those two seconds, but that is not what your test asked. Now if you could please update my score to 100%, I'd really appreciate it."

She kept staring blankly at me. I gave her a little Jedi wave, slowly moving my hand across her line of vision.

"I'll talk to the people who make the test," she said flatly. "Next!"

So I made a 97% on my test, but in theory it should have been 100%. I know it was a dumb thing to argue about, but who knows, that one answer could have determined whether or not I passed.

Safety Council, I accept your apologies.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Master Rebater

I received my rebate check from the Feds a few days ago and I just couldn't wait to spend it. But I didn't want to just spend my check anywhere. The Gov't told me it's a stimulus rebate, and by golly I mean to stimulate someone with it!

I decided that our police department is very deserving of a raise, and determined to give some of my rebate to our hardworking men in blue. But I didn't want to just give it to any old guy dressed as a cop. I wanted to find a real cop, and the only way to do that was to commit some sort of crime.

So I hopped in my car and started speeding down the highway. I occasionally darted through traffic, ran at least four lights, and turned left from the right-most lane (a trick I learned from a cabbie in New York). I finally skidded into a parking place at work, thoroughly depressed that I couldn't stimulate a police officer with my huge stimulus package.

I tried not to be too hard on myself. I told myself that the cops must be accustomed to people in Baton Rouge driving like complete idiots, and that must be why I was not pulled over.

But later that day on my way home from work, I was doing a whopping 51 in a 40 and was pulled over. Finally! Someone worthy of a good stimulatin'! But I was disappointed, because at this point I wasn't trying to get pulled over - the road I was on turns into Old Jefferson Highway, which has speed limit of 50 most of the way, and I just assumed this part of Old Jefferson Highway was 50 as well. You know what they say when you "assume."

So the cop pulls me over, writes me up a ticket, and then failed to follow in pursuit after I peeled out and tried to lead him in a high-speed chase. Oh well... maybe next time.

After the cost of my ticket and the Defensive Driving class I will be taking on Saturday, I still have another nice chunk of change to give to the next worthy individual. I think the next person I'll give money to is a fireman. What do you think?

Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Tanory Tantrum Bad Call of the Game

On Saturday, LSU played UC-Irvine in the NCAA Men's Baseball Super Regionals. In that game an umpire blew a call at second base, where UC-Irvine played the "hidden ball" trick and tagged an LSU runner out at second. However, the LSU runner appears to be safe. That ended the inning and left three men on base for LSU.

Here's the bad call, in case you missed it.

Now, I won't argue that LSU would have won had that call not been made. UC-Irvine's a great team, and won 11-5, so even if the next batter hit a grand slam, we still would have needed 2 runs just to tie the game up. But of course, things might have been different.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that the Tanory Tantrum is now an official LSU baseball and football sponsor. That's right! The Tanory Tantrum is going to donate one visit to the optometrist to any umpire or referee who makes the "Tanory Tantrum Bad Call of the Game!"

So congratulations to second base umpire David Rogers, who is the winner of the first "Tanory Tantrum Bad Call of the Game" and free eye exam. We're all looking forward to seeing you next season with your updated prescription lenses.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Pocket Full of Sunshine

Recently I heard Natasha Bedingfield's new song, "Pocket Full of Sunshine," and ever since I've been wondering what the hell she's talking about. Does anyone know what's in her pocket?

Did she get a Brazilian wax? Could that be it?

Maybe she's wearing undies plated with solid gold.

She can't be stealing some kind of miniature nuclear reactor... her leg would have ignited and melted off her body. She'd be screaming in agony instead of singing merrily. So I really doubt that she has actual sunshine in her pocket.

Is "Sunshine" a new STD going around or something?

If you know what's in Natasha Bedingfield's pocket, please drop me a line. I'm stumped, yet intrigued.

Abstinence and the City

On Saturday the girls all went to see Sex and the City while us men stayed home with the chilluns. I didn't want Anne to miss out on Ladies' Night, so together we pretended like we were in an episode of Sex and the City.

It was faaaabuloooous!

For starters, she laid in her Pack N Play while I typed on the computer, narrating along with the words I typed. "Just how dangerous is an open heart?" I typed and tapped. "Apparently not as dangerous as an open diaper. Mom, where do you keep your carpet cleaner?"

Then Anne tried on various designer diapers. Oh my Gawd, you should have seen the Huggies - hated it! But she looked so cute in her Pampers. "Wait til the two month old boys see you in those!" I exclaimed, then immediately starting cleaning my gun.

She can't wear shoes yet so instead we tried on over a hundred pairs of socks. She finally decided on the pink ones with sparkles, and wouldn't you know it, they were also the first pair she tried on. It was like going shopping with my wife, but with poopy diapers.

Finally, we found an answer to our original question ("Just how dangerous is an open heart?") by watching the Discovery Channel, as they showed an open-heart surgery. Apparently having an open heart is very dangerous, but having skilled professionals there to assist you reduces the danger level tremendously.

As I put Anne to bed I told her that although Mommy went to see "Sex and the City," both Mommy and Daddy were firm believers in "Abstinence and the City." I then disassembled and reassembled my gun while blindfolded.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Manly Baby Terms

Being a dad is a lot of fun. My only complaint is that the baby's stuff always seems to have such feminine names. I feel so emasculated saying some of these words out loud.

Noonie? Boppy? Diapy? Gimme a break. We need to "man" these names up!

Here is my list of items with their corresponding new awesome names. Henceforth shall these terms be known! I've even included an example of how you can use these new terms in a fun and exciting way.

1. NuNu / Noonie: Bionic Nipple

When the baby is crying, launch a recently sterilized bionic nipple from its home base of planet Nip-ton. As it flies through the air it should make sounds like "Zzzz!" and "Sssssccchhhheeeewwww!" For the best results, a disembodied voice should narrate the bionic nipple's descent from orbit into your baby's mouth.

2. Onesie: Action Suit

At night our baby is mild mannered Anne Louise. But if she senses trouble during the day she finds the nearest phone booth (or lacking phone booths now that everyone has cell phones, she finds her baby crib) and puts on her action suit, becoming... SUPER BABY! Her special powers include screaming loud enough to blow out her enemy's eardrums and using her bottom as a poozooka.

3. Boppy: Giant Toilet Seat Monster

Blaaargh! I am the Giant Toilet Seat Monster! I look like a giant toilet seat! Blaaargh!

4. Dirty Diaper: Hand Grenade

I think this one is self-explanatory. But for more fun with dirty diapers, don your paintball gear and launch an unholy attack on your arch-nemeses.

5. Doody: Fire in the Hole!

If you're not already yelling this out when your baby is about to make an explosion, shame on you. That's like not calling "Fore!" when you just hit a golf ball into a crowd of old people wearing checkered pants.

I hope I've helped you to become more creative when playing with your baby. If you have any other manly terms for mundane or girly-named inanimate objects, please leave a comment.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Going National

Betty and I have decided that we want to travel the world. But before we become world travelers, we first need to explore the US.

The US has so many different geographical regions that traveling the US is almost as good as traveling the world (unless you want to see anything over 200 years old).

Think about it, we've got swamps in Louisiana and Florida, mountains and snow in Colorado, deserts in New Mexico and prairies in Nebraska. And since every part of the US has different accents and customs, we'll feel as though we're traveling to a new country every time we cross a state line.

So where are we going? Where will we go first???

We're going to South Carolina, Oklahoma, and Arizona! Then we're going to Minnesota, Washington, onto California. We're going to Maryland, Virginia, Nebraska and Georgia! Then we're going to Washington, DC, to take back the White House, yeeeeaaaaah!!!

Sorry, got a little excited there.

We'll probably go to Minnesota first, but we're only going in the summer. Betty brings a sweater into restaurants in Louisiana in the summer, can you imagine what she'd do if the temperature were 54 below zero?

So if you live in a different state and are related to us in any way shape or form, even if it's by marriage on your mom's second cousin's side, get ready to have us as guests. We mean it. You're getting us, whether you want us or not.