Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Baton Rouge Zoo

Betty and I brought Anne to the Baton Rouge Zoo today.

Getting to the Baton Rouge Zoo was an adventure in itself. It took us 45 minutes to get there, and we had to cross Choctaw and drive down Plank Road to get there. If you're not from Baton Rouge, here's a fun fact for you: 90% of the murders in Baton Rouge take place on either Choctaw or Plank Road.

Basically, the Baton Rouge Zoo is in the ghetto.

So after I sped down Plank Road and ran every light in an effort to outrun the bullets flying at my car, I skid into my parking place at the zoo. We unloaded Annie and made a mad rush to see the elephant show at 10 a.m.

Except there was no elephant show. The elephant cage was under construction.

So were the lion and tiger cages.

[Picture: Don't feed the contractors!]

After wandering around the Baton Rouge Zoo for an hour I was ready to go. But then we came upon the giraffes, and one of them walked right up to us. From there, our day got much better.

[Picture: Anne made friends with a giraffe]

Next we walked into a petting zoo, where Anne got to meet some goats and sheep. Anne was amazed, and I was amazed as well - just look at this three-balled sheep I found!

[Picture: Three-balled sheep]

I also saw a goat that either had some serious hemmoroid issues, or maybe this is a vagina that was blown out giving birth. Either way, I had to get a close-up of it.

[Picture: Parental guidance warning for this picture... ewwww!]

I entertained myself at the zoo by writing down all the funny names that animals have. For instance, we saw a White Crappie at the aquarium, an ass, a macaque (sound it out), a duiker (the sign said it's pronounced DIKE-er), and a rabbit whose genus and species is Oryctolagus cunnilingus.

Our day at the Baton Rouge Zoo was fun, but if we're going to drive another 45 minutes to get to a zoo, it's going to be the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Punch Out!

People call me "Big Mac," not because I eat a lot of Mickey D's but because I'm a larger, more attractive version of "Little Mac" from Nintendo's Punch Out. In case you forgot (or never knew) what Little Mac looked like, here's an updated picture of him from a recent Nintendo release:

[Picture: Little Mac]

And since Punch Out just came out for the Wii, I feel like I have to defend my title of "Big Mac" and beat the everliving crap out of some digital nemeses. I also think that this would be a good time for evil-doers / brother to get a glance at my "guns" and think twice before messing with me.

Here's me in my black wife-beater and green shorts. You can see that my little bro, Little Mac, stole my threads. But I don't blame him. Who wouldn't want to look this awesome?

[Picture: Big Mac]

Okay, the game just started. Here's me looking serious and intense. My opponent just crapped his digital shorts. Either that or Betty was right - I'm overdo for a shower.

[Picture: Getting ready to wallop my opponent]

Super punch! I hope that hurt my opponent more than it hurt me... I haven't worked out in a few years and I think I sprained something on this punch.

[Picture: Super Punch!]

TKO, mofo! I hit him so hard that my daughter's toys fell out their toy box. And if Anne's Skippyjohn Jones book got torn during the aftermath of that punch, I'm going to TKO that guy again!

[Picture: TKO!]

Victory! I'm still the champ! Big Mac reins supreme!

[Picture: Victory!]

It doesn't matter that I was playing 2 Players but didn't have anyone using the second controller - I still won the fight and that's what counts!

If you or someone you love wants to get smacked down in Punch Out, give me a few hours notice so I can go through my pre-game routine and then drop by to get your digital lights knocked out!

Friday, May 22, 2009

A Family Affair

Betty and I are at my parents' house for the weekend. We're waiting for my sister and her boyfriend, John Bobby, to show up, and were thinking up fun things to do over the weekend when I came up with this brilliant idea:

Let's haze John Bobby.

My plan is to make him think that he and I are going to bunk up tonight. My parents' house has four bedrooms, and we can tell John Bobby that my dad will sleep in my parents' room, my mom will sleep on the couch because of my dad's snoring, my daughter Anne will need her own room so she can sleep, and then that leaves two rooms for me, Betty, my sister and John Bobby.

But my sister and John Bobby can't sleep in the same room. At least not right under my parents' noses.

So Betty and my sister can shack up together, and that leaves me and John Bobby to the last room.

After telling John Bobby this, the plan was for me to take off all of my clothes, tell John Bobby that I have a gland problem and sweat profusely, then also say that I have some kind of skin fungus or fleas or something so he should probably sleep under the covers and I'll sleep on top of the covers so that my disgusting sweating and fungus doesn't keep him up.

I thought it was a brilliant plan, but it all hinged on one tiny element: my mother would have to tell John Bobby about the sleeping arrangements. If I told him then he'd know it was a joke. My mom's just too nice... surely she wouldn't lie about such things, right?

But wouldn't you know it, my mother likes John Bobby too much to join in on my evil schemes. Plus she kept laughing when she rehearsed her lines.

So I guess I'm winging it tonight. I don't know how I'm going to tell John Bobby about the sleeping arrangement, take off all of my clothes and take a picture of his face at the same time, but I'll do my best.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My American Idol

I really enjoyed American Idol this year, so after the finale Tuesday night I did something that I've never done before...

I voted.

Voting was so much fun that I just couldn't help myself from voting some more. I called. I texted. I even snail mailed my vote, although I know it won't get there in time to be counted.

At the end of the day, I voted twenty six times.

It's my hope that other people called in and voted for Danny Gokey, otherwise he's only going to have my twenty six write-in votes.

Go Go Gokey!

If you want to vote for Danny Gokey as a write-in candidate, join me and my new club "the Goke Heads" as we take this competition by storm!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Deceptively Delicious

My wife's been making meals from a cookbook called Deceptively Delicious, by Jerry Seinfeld's wife. The "delicious" part is all true - everything we've had from the cookbook has been fantastic.

But the "deceptive" part is not for the faint of heart. Seinfeld instructs the reader to hide vegetables in the form of pureed mush (or sometimes just flax seeds) in whatever you're cooking. Recipes for chicken, meat loaf, fish, and even brownies are in the book, and that means all of my food might be contaminated with disgusting vegetables.

I found out about Mrs. Seinfeld's evil plot to make us all unknowingly eat vegetables quite by accident. I was laying on the couch when I reached behind my head to grab my book, but instead I grabbed Betty's book. The first line of the page stopped me in my tracks. It read something like, "Grind up a bunch of disgusting shit and throw it in your husband's food without his knowledge!"

Lies! Deceit! Vegetables!

I don't play around about veggies. I started the Veggielution, in case you forgot. So when Betty asked me to stir some soup tonight while she showered, I launched a counterattack by taking four pieces of pizza from the fridge and shredding them in the blender. Then I poured the liquefied remains into the soup, stirred liberally, and served hot in a big bowl.

Take that, Seinfeld! Two can play at this game!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Angels & Demons

I just got out of the movie Angels & Demons, and I have to tell you, I'm a bit disappointed.

Sure, the acting was great, the storyline was both interesting and educational, and the movie lived up to its billing as a thriller. But I just thought it would be more like Alien vs. Predator, except with divine winged messengers fighting malevolent spirits.

Technology vs. faith is a great discussion for a movie to make, but wouldn't it have been cooler to see the archangel Michael shove a flaming sword up Belial's ass? That would have been a real angel vs. demon battle.

Or instead of playing symbologist Robert Langdon, Tom Hanks could have taken on the role of Gabriel, who along with Zadkiel (played by Stellan SkarsgÄrd), meet Beezelbub and Mammon in a back alley and beat the everloving crap out of them with a folding chair.

Ewan McGregor could have maintained his role as Camerlengo Patrick McKenna, but he could have sung a bunch of songs with Nicole Kidman before meeting the demon of sexuality, Gonorrhea.

Of course, I should have known that the movie was about a race against time to find a bomb planted inside Vatican City by the Illuminati, because I just finished reading the book - which was great, by the way.

But the movie is never the same as the book. So I thought that maybe, just maybe, the director would have taken some artist license and thrown in a scene where Uriel and Temeluchus roundhouse kick each other in the face for no apparent reason.

I'm looking forward to my next foray to the movie theater, where I'll see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which I assume examines how the largest land-dwelling species of the Mustelidae family in the genus Gulo came to be so renown.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother Lover

I hate Justin Timberlake's music, but I'm not ashamed to say that he's one of my favorite SNL hosts. And in case you missed his latest stint on the show, here's JT and Andy Samberg's sequel to their "Dick in a Box" video with "Mother Lover."

(If you can't see the embedded video, click here.)

Happy Mother's Day, mom, wifey, and especially to my brother, who is one bad mutha!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

I'd like to wish my mom, my mother-in-law, and my beautiful wife a very Happy Mother's Day!

They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, so here's a video, which should hopefully sum up several thousand blogs on the topic of how wonderful these three ladies are and how much they mean to me.


If you can't see the embedded video, please click here.

A Very Crappy Weekend

I had a very crappy weekend.


But before I get into the horrific details, let me first recap the events that led me to my crappy circumstances.

We drove down to Thibodaux for our friends' Jennifer and Michael's wedding. The cathedral was beautiful, the music was amazing, and the priest sang the homily. That part of the night was great.

The reception was at the Madewood Plantation in Napoleonville, and it was extra-spectacular. We took a self-guided tour around the plantation while waiting for the bride and groom to arrive, and then we wisely made friends with the bartenders out on the lawn. I also convinced some of the other guests that I was a member of the bride's extended family so that I could cut in line for food.

Betty and I made our way out to the dance floor and boogied for a few songs, when all of a sudden it happened:

My stomach rumbled.

I threw my cup and plate into Betty's lap and sprinted through the crowd towards the plantation. Once inside I had to make a vital decision: use the restroom on the downstairs floor or run up the stairs to the more out-of-the-way but probably more private upstairs restroom.

I bounded up the stairs four at a time and burst through the restroom door. It was a huge room with a toilet, a mirror and a chair. There was only one problem: there wasn't a lock on the door.

The reception was packed, and I just knew that someone would walk in on me, so while I frantically tried to get my pants off I looked around the room to see what I could use to barricade the door. I took the chair and put it under the doorknob, then I threw a bunch of random stuff from a shelf onto the ground in front of the door.

I sat down on the pot just in time, otherwise we probably would have had to burn the Madewood to the ground in order to purify the restroom's hardwood floors.

Exhausted, sweating and now cleansed, I went to leave the restroom when, wouldn't you know it, someone walked in. Lucky for me my business was done. Unlucky for that person, they had to deal with the aftermath.

So it goes.

Later on in the night I would make six other stops to the same restroom. By my fourth trip I didn't bother to barricade the door because I felt too sick to do anything other than sit down, and by the last trip I barely managed to close the door before my body betrayed me.

The drive home from Thibodaux was also fraught with peril. There's nothing between Thibodaux and Prairieville except for one or two small towns, and even those are a good 20 miles away from any inhabitable location. There were no gas stations, no McDonald's, and most importantly, no restrooms.

The fact that I'm blogging can only mean that I made it home in one piece. But it doesn't mean that all is well in Tanory Land. Quite the opposite, in fact. Let's just say that it's taken me close to an hour to write this blog because I've had to run back and forth to the restroom.

All these trips to the bathroom have made this weekend very crappy... very crappy indeed!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Mushroom Kingdom FireFox Theme

Do you love FireFox? Do you also love Nintendo? Do you wish Nintendo and FireFox would go out to a club, get rip-roaring drunk and then have dirty sloppy sex on your roommate's bed while he's studying at a friend's house?

Then you have come to the right place, my friends.

I just installed the Mushroom Kingdom theme for FireFox, and I feel like I've been transported through the toilet into a kingdom full of 'shroom heads, but in a good way! I love it!

(My wife might hate it, but then again, she hasn't spent four days straight jumping on mutant mushrooms and knocking those damn boomerang brothers off their lofty perch. And in case you were wondering, yes, I have wasted my life.)

The guy who made the Mushroom Kingdom theme also has another theme called WiiFox where the controls look like the Wii. It makes me want to mime bowling motions for some reason.

My favorite FireFox theme remains PimpZilla, the theme with bling. But this Mushroom Kingdom one is a close second. Maybe I'll make my own FireFox theme where I turn Mario into a Pimp, Luigi and Bowser can be undercover cops, and Princess Peach could offer lucky citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom a night in the penthouse of her castle... for a price, of course.

Mario's gotta keep his pimp hand strong.

Monday, May 04, 2009

The Tabbouleh Song

I'm a halfling - I'm half Lebanese and half everything else. And as anyone with Lebanese blood will tell you, the one thing that we love to do is eat.

We're very proud of our food - even the stuff in the food court at the mall.

The second thing we love is to dance. I won't ever appear on "So You Think You Can Dance" or "Dancing with the Stars" but that doesn't stop me from shaking what my momma gave me every now and then.

So imagine how happy I was to find this great YouTube video that combines both our love for food and our love for music. It's called "The Tabbouleh Song," and it's right up there with The Residudes' "Hot Buns" as the Tanory Tantrum themesong.


(Click for video.)

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Filthy Swine!

Betty and I are in Lafayette this weekend to attend my street's annual crawfish boil. And although my old street is a peaceful place and my neighbors are wonderful, this year's crawfish boil was full of danger, because we are in the epicenter of the Swine Flu epidemic in Lafayette.

Five students from Cathedral Carmel in Lafayette have confirmed cases of the Swine Flu. And one of my neighbors, who was at the crawfish boil, teaches at Cathedral Carmel. So there's a very good chance that we've all been infected.

Also, right before the crawfish boil started, I rolled around in the mud with a pig, and it sneezed on my face right as I went to give it a big sloppy kiss. Now I have the sniffles.

God help us all.

But not everything associated with the swine flu is bad news. Just look at the thriving "protective mask" business.

I went to the Acadiana Mall to get a protective mask so that I wouldn't infect my family, and there were literally hundreds of different designs to choose from. I chose a plain white mask but was immediately chided by a nineteen year old Fashion major from ULL who told me that "white was sooo last year's flu season." When I reached for a light green mask the same person told me that it would clash with my shirt.

"So which color should I get?" I asked, as I wiped Swine Flu goo from my nose and flung it at two hooligans wearing Lafayette High shirts.

"You should get this one," she said, holding up a mask with a myriad of designs on it.

I tried it on, coughed in it, then hung it back up on the rack. It just wasn't my style.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading back into Baton Rouge for work. By that time I hope my nose stops running, my throat stops aching and my nipples soften, because there's nothing like being sick on a Monday.