Monday, December 13, 2010

Older and Wiser

My birthday was Sunday. I'm 31 years old now, which means that I'm officially old, and therefore my blogs should start having a more mature tone to them.

So today, as my first blog in my 32nd year, I'd like to write about a more mundane topic: static electricity.

Yesterday it was really cold in South Louisiana, so Betty picked out a red fleece for me to wear. (Yes, I'm 31 and my wife still picks out my clothes. I said that I'd write more mature blogs, not act more mature!)

Anyway, when it's cold, I end up shocking everything. For example, I live in fear of touching my car door after exiting the car because I always end up getting shocked. ALWAYS! And of course, when I do touch it and it does shock me, I scream like a girl.

Every time.

And in case you were wondering, wearing a fleece all day is a great way to pick up static electricity, which then makes you a walking lightning rod. So all day long I got shocked. Doorknobs shocked me, my daughter shocked me when she went to give me a kiss, and of course my demon car shocked me on several occasions.

So after a long day of creating friction and gathering an ionic charge due to my fleece rubbing up against my shirt, I was relieved to finally get a chance to take the damn thing off. But when I pulled the fleece over my head, my undershirt got bunched up with my fleece (probably due to that bastard force of nature, Static Electricity), and my fleece touched my exposed nipple.

That's right: my first blog post after turning 31 is about my fleece shocking my nipple. I told you that these would be more mature from now on.

As Monty Python says in one of my favorite Python sketches: "My nipples explode with delight!" Except in this case, my nipple literally exploded, but in EXCRUCIATING PAIN!

So there I was, screaming in agony while my daughter looked up at me as if to say, "Why is a grown man crying like a little girl?" So I did what any mature, 31 year old would do, and started rubbing my nipple as fast as I could to try to make the pain go away.

Which, of course, just created more static electricity from all the friction, since I still had the fleece partially draped over me. And when my daughter came to hug me to make me feel better, just as she laid her head on my chest, the static electricity between us burst into flames right upon the very same nipple as had just been ignited moments earlier.

Anyway, now I have a huge knot on my left nipple. It looks like my nipple has a nipple. And it's still sore.

And the worst part is that it's still very cold, and the only warm thing that I have to wear tomorrow is my red fleece. God help us all.

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