Friday, December 24, 2010

The Tanory Tantrum's 2010 Christmas Letter

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this letter finds you well. 2010 was an amazing year for the Tanory clan. It all began with a high note (aka, a midnight groping) and will hopefully end with another high note (aka, another midnight groping, but maybe Betty will be awake this time).

Here's everything you need to know about January: LSU golf pants.

[Picture: Is that a nine iron in your pants or are you just happy to see me?]

I know what you're thinking: Is that a Nerf Wii Golf accessory in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you? (Answer: It's a Nerf Wii Golf accessory.) I was so hot in my golf pants that the Caterie burnt down after I walked by it.

My sister-in-law was so excited about the Saints winning the Super Bowl in February that she had a baby: my niece Brooke was born Super Bowl weekend! It's a testament to how incredible the Saints are, because she wasn't even pregnant before the NFL playoffs! We had "Lombardi Gras" down in New Orleans and I taught my daughter a very important lesson: how to get massive amounts of beads at Mardi Gras (without getting arrested).

[Picture: Back here!!!]

Also in February, my wife painted me a picture of a pizza (which I've always wanted) and gave it to me the day before Valentine's Day. This kept me occupied long enough to forget about trying to grope her, which was her plan all along. Well played, Beebles!

[Picture: Me and my pizza!]

March brought along Betty's birthday, and I proved my love for her by single-handedly (OK, maybe I had help from Annie) annihilating all of my competing love interests to show how dedicated I am to her by storming the USS Kidd and manning her guns. Take that, Betty's 7th grade boyfriend!

[Picture: Got a bogey on your nine!]

In April I quit my blog for the fourth time, only to immediately turn around and find a light switch that doesn't do anything, so it became our Tickle Switch and I had to write about it. We also went to the beach where I created my own Sand People who worshiped me until high tide. My daughter also turned two!

[Picture: Party on!]

Despite a weak economy, the Prairieville Tanory clan was up a whopping 33% in manpower in May as we introduced our new Tanory model, Peter Thomas, into the world. Unfortunately I had to downsize a brother in order to pay for the new munchkin. It was either that or sell some of my stocks, and I like to play for the long term. To celebrate my son's birth, I infiltrated a horde of giant bees and rode one off into the sunset.

[Picture: Bees! They're everywhere!]

June brought along the World Cup, which was fun, but also brought along a fever that put my son into the NICU, which was definitely not fun. June also brought along a new meaning of the art of Jackson Pollock. (Hint: Think of splatter art, then think of diapers.)

Pete got out of the NICU in July, so we celebrated by throwing my sister a wedding reception. I grew this sweet 'stache for the occasion, which would have blossomed into a full handlebar mustache had Betty not made me shave it the day of the wedding.

[Picture: The stache!]

I went to Microsoft's campus in Redmond, Washington, on the first day of August for a computer nerd conference. While I was up there I went to visit my cousins in Seattle. My cousin Zach and I either went to a Mariners game or tried to sell ourselves on the side of the road for some extra dough. I'll let you decide which.

[Picture: Seattle Sausage!]

In September I joined a Fantasy Football league that my cousin Bo started. My wife keeps telling me that I need to stop playing Fantasy Football and spend more time with the family, but Anne and Pete are so young that their projected points for the week just aren't as high as someone like Darren McFadden or Drew Brees. Decisions, decisions!

LSU football was in full swing during the month of October, and so was LSU's campaign to Help Preserve the Mounds. I think we can all agree that mounds need to be preserved.

[Picture: Save the mounds!]

The Baton Rouge Zoo had "Boo at the Zoo" during the month of October. But while at the zoo my father-in-law, Jimmy, was mistaken for a tiger and shipped off to India.

[Picture: A true tiger!]

And of course there was Halloween, when we became the live action counterparts to well-known cartoon characters, then demanded candy from our neighbors.

[Picture: Real cartoons!]

November was quiet except for the fact that Betty had kidney stones. So much for selling her kidneys on the black market. My mom had us over for Thanksgiving, and I'm proud to say that I only had one plate of food, and doubly proud that my plate was stacked three feet high.

That brings us to December, which is one of my favorite months because it's my Birthmas month. (Birthmas is Birthday plus Christmas in one.) I finally put up Christmas lights outside, and Anne loves them. But next year I'll put them in my neighbor's yard across the street so that Anne can see them from the house.

Also this December, my cousins released their first studio album for their band Mageez. My cousin Bo left a comment saying that he thought I would have posted a picture of me "performing live" last year with his brother and fellow Mageezer Ben. And honestly, I can't think of a better way to end this Christmas letter than showing you my undies. It's just like old times, isn't it?

[Picture: God bless the USA!]

Wait, one more!

[Picture: God bless the USA! (Again!)]

Merry Christmas, everyone!

No comments: