Sunday, March 20, 2011

It's My Birthday!

I've come up with a grand villainous scheme: to update my birthday as the current date, every day, on Facebook.

Every day when someone logs into Facebook, they will see that it's my birthday, and they will be tempted to wish me happy birthday. Sure, some people will realize that I'm either a giant ass or that I just age very rapidly. But some other people will repeatedly wish me a happy birthday, every day, for the rest of my life.

Maybe I'll even get some presents or a card out of it.

I have no idea why I am doing this, what satisfaction I will gain from this, or what my end goals are. I guess I'm just bored.

And an attention whore.

But as far as you know, it's really my birthday, so I'd really appreciate it if you called me and sang the birthday song to me, or maybe even take me out for lunch.

Thanks in advance for all the birthday wishes!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Kite Flying, Cajun Style!

It was a beautiful day today, and my daughter suggested that we go fly a kite. I thought that was a great idea, so we pulled our old Mickey Mouse inflatable kite out of the store room, unwound the string, and ran up and down the driveway as fast as we could. It was the most exercise I've gotten in a week.

But alas, our kite didn't fly.

I thought our kite failed to fly because there was no wind. So between gulps of air, while bent over with my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath, I tried to explain to Anne that wind's important when you're kite flying, and if there's no wind then the kite can't fly.

And she did what any 2 and 3/4ths year old would do: she looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes, frowned slightly, and screamed at the top of her lungs, "I WANT TO FLY THE KITE NOW!!!"

I couldn't disappoint my daughter, so I decided to make my own wind... with my leaf blower.

I had Anne hold the string, then I pointed my leaf blower at the kite and let loose!

[Picture: Making wind, redneck style]

The wind generated by the leaf blower was ultimately insufficient to fly the kite. But we still had a lot of fun trying to make it fly.

On the bright side, we now have an excuse to go by a new fancy kite!


Hopefully you got to go see the Supermoon on Saturday night. If not, here is all the info that you need to know about the Supermoon:

1. It's the biggest full moon in 18 years.

2. It possibly caused humongous tides.

3. Teachers everywhere can tell you that kids go crazy during full moons. So if your kids were bouncing off the walls on Saturday, they have an excuse.

4. The Supermoon turns more humans into werewolves than any other full moon.

5. Supermoon's dad sent him to orbit Earth via rocket because Supermoon's home planet was about to be destroyed.

6. It's an album by Zap Mama.

7. The next Supermoon will be November 14, 2016, assuming the world doesn't end in 2012.

8. My neighbors call it a "Supermoon" when I moon them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Chemical Warfare

I just read an article about "gendercide" - which is basically when a culture (like many people in India or China) choose to abort female babies because males are more valued in those societies. The article said that when countries get to the point where there's a ridiculous ratio of men to women - like 25 to 1 - then the country just gets so full of testosterone that it eventually just wages war on another country to take its women.

But I think I've found a way to stop this from occurring in the future (other than just sending the Chinese a mail-order catalog of hot Russian women in need of husbands):

All we need is a couple thousand women to cry.

See, I also read an article about women's tears, and how they contain a chemical that makes men less aggressive. So when a country gets to its tipping point of maximum testosterone, we need drop bombs of female tears on that country, at which point the men will be subdued.

You're welcome.

There's a lab that's also trying to study if men's tears contain any specific chemicals that cause adverse reactions in either other males or in females, but since real men don't cry, good luck with that study.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Play-Doh Family Portraits

Annie and I were playing with Play-Doh last week, when Annie decided to outsourced the actual creation of Play-Doh figurines to me. She was all about the design but didn't want to do the actual work.

What can I say, like father like daughter!

We decided to make Play-Doh versions of Betty and Peter. Annie helped me pick out the colors for the clothes and all the accessories, and then I created everything based on her designs.

Here's our version of Betty. Notice how fashionable she is with her large, purple purse, matching shoes and watch.

[Picture: Betty!]

I may or may not have also given her a purple thong under that green dress. The world may never know.

Peter was just starting to pull himself up on things when we did this, so I made him a little table to use to help him stand. He's also wearing a green onesie.

[Picture: Petey T!]

Our Play-Doh version of Peter tired the Play-Doh version of Mommy out so much that she had to take a nap. Here's a picture of that:

[Picture: Mommy takes a nap while Peter plays.]

And even Play-Doh people need to feast, so as our last picture in this series of incredibly realistic Play-Doh family portraits, here's a picture of Play-Doh Betty feeding Peter.

[Picture: The feast!]

Our next series of Play-Doh portraits will feature me playing the piano while Betty lies on top of the piano in a red dress. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Lucky Dog!

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. So instead of telling you how much fun I had at Mardi Gras, I thought I'd just show you this picture:

[Picture: Sporting my Mardi Gras colors]

But wait! That was just from Sunday! Check out this picture from Tuesday:

[Picture: The family that dresses up together stays together]

OK, so maybe that second picture needs a little more explanation.

A couple of years ago my mother-in-law bought a hot dog outfit for Annie. Our intention was to dress her up as a Lucky Dog for Mardi Gras or Halloween, but she never quite fit into it at the right moment. So instead of buying a bigger sized hot dog outfit, Betty and I strategically timed the birth of our second child to jive with Mardi Gras so that our son could wear the hot dog outfit on St. Charles Avenue.

As for me, I dressed up as Ignatius J. Reilly from the Pulitzer Prize-winning book A Confederacy of Dunces, which takes place in New Orleans.

[Picture: Ignatius J. Reilly and his Lucky Dog]

As any well-read Tantrum reader knows, Ignatius J. Reilly goes on to become a Lucky Dog salesman (but eats all of his hot dogs instead of selling them). So since Peter dressed up as a hot dog, I felt compelled to dress up as Ignatius J. Reilly. And if you don't think that's clever, you're not alone: nobody knew who I was, even though I wore a name badge.

So much for being a New Orleans icon.

But it's all good, because I got to grow out a sweet mustache for four days.

[Picture: My sweet 'stache!]

Then kiss Betty with it!

[Picture: Oooh yeah!]

Anne rounded out our outfits as the Ketchup. And if you're one of those people who thinks that hot dogs should never be adorned with ketchup, you should know that practically everyone who saw Peter asked, "Hey! Where's the ketchup?!"

[Picture: Party wagon!]

Betty and I worked really hard on the Lucky Dog signs for the sides of the kids' wagon. and by "Betty and I" I mean of course just "Betty." I put her to work, then told her that if she didn't make the signs perfect then I wouldn't shave my mustache.

[Picture: The things we do for love!]

With Betty dressed as a tourist who wants to buy a Lucky Dog, we walked up and down St. Charles Avenue with the kids in the wagon. I held Peter and every time we passed a bunch of cute girls, I would hold Peter out to them, show the girls his hot dog outfit, and say, "Look at the size of my son's wiener!" (Because his outfit had a wiener down the middle of it.)

But at the end of the day, it wasn't about the outfits, the huge wiener costumes or the fancy homemade signs on the sides of the wagon. It was about the kids having a good time. So we put them up in the wagon well away from the street and screamed our butts off for beads. And had a great Mardi Gras!

[Picture: Back here!]

So I got to got to dress up, ask hot girls if they were impressed with the size of my son's wiener, grow out a mustache, and most importantly, spend time with my kids doing something memorable. It sounds like I'm the luckiest dog of all!

Monday, March 07, 2011

My Honda Commercial

I was recently interviewed at Walk On's in Baton Rouge by a team from Richard's Honda. They were doing a video to put up on their Facebook page. They asked us if we had Hondas (which we do) and if we'd say something nice about Richard's Honda. So we did!

Here's the video. I'm the second person being interviewed. I'm also at the end, talking about how much better of an interview I did than the last guy (who happens to be my coworker).

I do have to give it up to my coworker, though... he purred on camera, twice. I mean, he should win some kind of award. A "Second Place" award, for sure, but still, he deserves something.

(Click here if you can't see the embedded video above.)

Bubble Pop!

In order to get my daughter out of the tub at nights, we have to get her to pretend that she's a princess or a My Little Pony or something similar. Only then will she willingly get out of the tub, get wrapped up in a towel, and go get dressed for bed.

Some nights she wants to be a baby, and I have to wrap her up in a towel, hold her like a baby, and bring her to see her mommy. Some nights she's Belle and I'm the Beast, and we dance from the bathroom to the living room, where Mommy has her nighttime pullup waiting. Some nights we're both dinosaurs, and we hunch over as we walk on our tippy toes out to the living room to roar at Mommy and brother.

But last week she didn't want to be a princess or a pony. She didn't want to be a dinosaur or a baby.

She wanted to be a Bubble Pop.

"A bubble pop?" I asked, trying to confirm what she said.

"Yeah! A bubble POP!" she squealed.

"A bubble pop?" I asked again - not actually understanding what she was saying.

"Bubble POP! Bubble POP!"

"You mean, like, when you blow a bubble and then it pops?" I asked, scratching my head with the towel I had gotten out for her.

She made a big circle out her arms to make a big bubble, then spread them wide to indicate the pop. "Bubble POP!"

I'm a pretty imaginative guy, but I didn't know how to pretend to be a bubble pop. I think my daughter has out-pretended me. So I picked her up, wrapped her in a towel, and picked her up so that she could float out the bathroom and into the living room like a big bubble, where she then spread her arms and yelled, "POP!"

Who knew a bubble pop was a noun? Now we know!

Friday, March 04, 2011

Just Chillin'

The other day I took my lunch out of the fridge and found a protein bar that Betty had packed for me. While heating up the rest of my food, I needed a place to store my protein bar. I could have just held it, or put it on the counter, but you have to keep in mind that I'm a moron, and for some reason I felt the need to pocket my protein bar.

I knew that putting it in my pants pocket was a bad idea. My first thought was that it would be way too cold down there. My second thought was that it might melt. My last and final thought about putting my protein bar in my pants pocket was that it would make me look like I had a large bulge in my pants.

So I put it in my shirt pocket.

At which point my left nipple immediately exploded in pain.

It turns out that my shirt pocket is directly over my nipple, so when I put my frozen protein bar in my pocket, it froze my nipple. If you've never had your nipple frozen, believe me, it's not as much fun as it sounds. It took several minutes of brisk, feverish rubbing to get the pain in my nipple to subside.

All while my friends looked on in merriment and glee.

Note to self: protein bars do not belong in the fridge. And if you find a frozen protein bar, under no circumstances should you ever put it in any of your pockets!

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Happy Birthday, Betty!

Today is the birthday of my wife (and muse, and baby mama), Betty!

Betty is the best little mommy ever! She does so much for us. Just take a look at some of her most recent Mom projects:

As event manager for the Tanory household, she booked tickets to Pinkalicious, got everyone's outfit coordinated for the event, and made sure that everyone was thoroughly versed in the Pinkalicious universe before the show.

[Picture: The birthday girl with her baby girl!]

As the main sponsor of the weekly Tanory NASCAR event in our driveway, Betty oversaw the racing of two high-speed automobiles. She was the pit crew in charge of maintenance of both teams' vehicles, and also was the caterer for both cars' teams.

[Picture: Off to the races!]

As chief life-sciences professor at Tanory University, Betty brought our two kids into the wild to see a real life monkey in action.

[Picture: Monkeying around!]

Santa was sure to stop at our house, as Betty not only had a large runway installed at the top of our house for Santa's reindeer to land, but she also wrote several letters to Santa lobbying for both Anne and Peter to get lots of loot.

[Picture: Christmas pic!]

As arguably the most fun person in our family, Betty makes sure that we fit some fun food choices into our day in between all the fruits and veggies.

[Picture: Snack time!]

Doing fun stuff with the kids? That's Betty's specialty!

[Picture: More smores please!]

I could go on forever! So I'll just say this:

Betty, thank you for sharing your birthday with me and the kids. Thank you for sharing every day with us! We are so blessed to have you in our lives! You make every experience better - and we wouldn't have most of our experiences without you, since you make sure that we're always doing something new, fun and exciting.

You are the greatest! And we hope that we make your day today great!

We love you!