Saturday, October 29, 2011

Social Engineering Not Actual Engineering, Says Engineering Group

The United Engineering Curriculum Group (EUCG), a team dedicated to determining which curriculum should be made available to engineering students throughout the entire country, has determined that Social Engineering - the art of manipulating people into performing actions or divulging confidential information - is not real engineering.

In his verbal diatribe against the nomenclature of Social Engineering at the group's annual Harvest mixer with the Polymer Science Ladies Flag Football team, EUCG President Todd Phelps lashed out at all fields of study and work that are associated with engineering and other fields, but which are themselves not actually related.

"We all know that Social Engineering is more prevalent today due to the use of technology," Phelps was overheard saying to two Polymer Science teammates dressed as pumpkins for the themed party.  "First, 'Computer Programming' becomes known as 'Computer Science.'  I mean, come on, science is done with beakers and chemicals.  I don't know of any computer programmer that says, 'Let's see, today I think I'll test my hypothesis that x does in fact equal the length of the text in field 'txtFirstName.'"

Despite losing one of the ladies' attention, Phelps continued.  "Software Architects?  What, is building a framework on which to build actual code upon the same as determining the materials to use in actual construction of a building, determining the length of each materials and then drawing them up on a cool blue sheet of paper?  No!  They're not architects!  They're just extremely gifted and talented computer programmers who understand patterns and best practices enough that entire teams of other, lesser developers will end up using their code as a basis for all other modules in the system.  It's that simple, people!"

Even when the last Polymer Science listener left to make out with Jeff Edmunds, EUCG's Treasurer, Phelps could still be heard talking to himself, poking the air with his hands to make his points stand out more.  "Tree views?  Are you serious?  First off, those aren't trees... they're folders!  Second, the security term 'Threat Landscape' doesn't involve an actual landscape.  It's all a logical construct of entry points, workflow to exploit and module nodes to possibly infect.  Last, Social Engineering should just be called Marketing, am I right people?  Hey, where'd everybody go?"

Phelps was voted out as EUCG President by the Computer Engineering lobby at the after party, as Computer Science is regularly the minor of Computer Engineering majors.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Constant Gardener

There's a reason you should never own a truck:  friends, family and coworkers will ask you to help them move stuff.

I know this firsthand because today I conned one of my friends into helping me pick up a yard of dirt from a local nursery.

It all started when Betty told me that she wanted to build a garden.  I thought we already had a garden, because we grow tomatoes and eggplants in a bricked-in area filled with dirt, but Betty corrected me by saying that it was a "flower bed."  Apparently a flower bed remains a flower bed even if you plant vegetables in it.

She measured out how much land she wanted to farm in our back yard, then her dad came by and sprayed Round Up all over that area of the grass.  Two weeks later, the grass was dead and I was kicking myself in the butt for not spraying the entire yard with Round Up so that I wouldn't have to mow.

We bought some cinder blocks at Lowe's.  I had originally intended to buy them at Home Depot, so I went by myself to pick them out.  I thought they'd be in the Lawn and Garden section, which is where all of the paving stones and bricks are, but I couldn't find any cinder blocks and couldn't find anyone to help me.  But chances are that they were in the lumber section, which is where we found them at Lowe's.  Whodathunkit?

Next, I had to buy dirt.

I bought what is called a "yard" of dirt.  I had no idea what a yard of dirt was, but it's a cubic feet of dirt.  Which is to say, it's a butt load of dirt.  It's so much dirt that some dude had to come out and use a bulldozer thingy to scoop out dirt for us.

[Picture: The scoop!]

And then he dumped three scoops into the back of my friend's nice clean truck.

[Picture: Dirty, dirty dirt.]

I added a "double barrel" of pine straw and off we went!

[Picture: More dirt!]

Let's see now... I had gotten the dirt, gotten the pine straw, but I kept feeling like I was forgetting something.  Oh, I know, someone to do the work for me!

[Picture: Brannon with a shovel]

Yep, that's my friend Brannon, who is also my running buddy.  We're doing the Couch to 5K together.  We decided to work out tonight by just shoveling dirt for an hour instead of running.  He's a good guy, and without him I'd probably still be out there shoveling dirt.

Here's an action shot of me stomping pine straw down over the yard where we're about to shovel dirt.  I call this my "Blue Steel" look.

[Picture: ]

And here's an action shot of us shoveling dirt.  This serves as proof that I did manual labor for at least an hour of my life.

[Picture: ]

And here's our finished product!

[Picture: ]

I tried filling up all the holes in the cinder blocks, but it turns out that, after filling up an entire truck bed full of dirt - we didn't have enough dirt!  We had actually used some dirt to fill up our flower bed as well, so tomorrow I might go steal some dirt from there and put it in the cinder blocks.  We're going to plant some flowers in each of the cinder block holes, plant vegetables in the garden, and also paint the cinder blocks.  We thought the kids would enjoy decorating the garden.

If you or someone you know wants to create their own cinder block garden, let me know - I know a guy with a truck.

Free Advice for NetFlix

So maybe you've heard that NetFlix recently increased their prices by 60 percent, or that they tried to split their DVD service off into a horribly named company called Qwikster, or that they decided to abandon Qwikster after people complained, or that their stock tanked, or that they've lost millions of subscribers, or that their CEO is an idiot.

Yeah, I heard all of that, too, and I'm a big fan of NetFlix.  Or at least I was.  I just can't understand why this company's PR is so bad.  I mean, can't they just rent or stream a documentary to show them how to do better at PR work?

Since NetFlix is seemingly incapable of making common sense decisions, and more importantly since their idiotic management might mean that they go out of business which would then mean that I have to find some other way of getting instant gratification for movies, I have some business advice for NetFlix.

How to fix NetFlix

1. Apologize.  Sincerely this time - not at the same time as you're rolling out new changes.

2. Clearly explain why the prices were raised.  We understand if it's costing you an arm and a leg to stream movies.  We know we're in a recession. Yes, the people who you just raised the price of renting DVDs and streaming content on, the people whose unemployment rate is almost 10%, the people who are trying to put food on the table for their kids after food prices have gone up 20% this year and milk is frickin' $7 a gallon and gas is $3.39 and private school is expensive and the medical bills are piling up and... sorry, got carried away there.  The point is:  we understand.  You could have told us that it's costing you more, and we would have understood.

3. Be honest with us going forward.  We're not idiots.  The economy is in the tanker, and quite frankly we'd rather do business with people that treat us with respect.  Treat us like adults or we'll take our money elsewhere, as you're already finding out.

4. Buy some political capital.  Give the people who stayed with both your DVD and online streaming plans two free months.  Give the people who stayed with either your DVD or online streaming plans (but didn't cancel one of them) a free month.  Give the people who cancelled one of your services but still have the other half a month free.  Sure, your stocks will take a hit - in the short run.  But you're not in it for the short run, you're in it for the long haul.

5. Add some porn to your streaming service.   That way the next time you try to screw us we'll at least get to watch it, as part of our subscription.  Plus a lot of other companies do it to supplement their revenue, because Americans are not only fat and lazy but are also really "randy, baby, yeah!"

NetFlix, you can pay me back with a free lifelong subscription if this works.  But of course you won't, because, you know, you suck at PR.

In conclusion, there are people starving in this world, the Arab Spring is taking down dictators in the Middle East, there are diseases which could probably be cured if we had funding for them, but this isn't what American is pissed off about.  We're pissed off about our wallets!  We're a nation of merchants and consumers, and although we may be fat and lazy, we'll still get our asses off the couch (assuming nothing good is streaming tonight, since NetFlix lost the Starz contract) and take out a corporate regime or two when we get righteous enough about it.

Don't disappoint me, NetFlix.  And more importantly, don't make me watch cable.

Monday, October 24, 2011

13th Gate

My buddy and I have been running three times a week as part of the Couch to 5K program.  And we've also been nerding out by going to various IT-related conferences and networking events in and around Baton Rouge.

But last week, my running world and my IT world collided - at the 13th Gate.

The 13th Gate is a legendary haunted house in downtown Baton Rouge.  The 13th Gate is nationally renown, and for good reason:  it's got movie studio veterans helping create the visuals.

Well, that's not the only reason.  Founder Dwayne Sanburn has been working with haunted houses for something like 15 years.  This guy knows what he's doing.  He knows what scares people.  He's like the Stephen King of haunted houses.

I got to meet Mr. Sanburn at the event, and he seemed like such a nice, normal-looking guy.  But the fact that he likes to scare the pants off of everyone - old people, young children, women, sick people, and fat nerds like me - either means that there's probably something not quite right with him, or that he's an evil genius who will one day take over the earth with an army of actors dressed as zombies.

My buddies and I got to walk through the 13th Gate with all the lights on and with none of the actors there to scare us.  Seems like it would be less scary, doesn't it?  I thought so, too.

Boy, was I wrong.

My friend and I had planned to run around Sorority Row after leaving the 13th Gate, so I had a change of clothes.  But had I not brought those shorts, I would have felt bad about soiling my pants.

The place is freakin' scary.

For starters, I had no idea what I was getting into.  The building looks like a normal building from the outside.  Sure, it looks big, but I had no idea that it was 40,000 square feet.  It took us a solid 30 minutes to walk through the entire thing, and that's with the lights on and nobody jumping out of the dark to scare us.  (OK, so we did hide in the shadows and scare some women who were right behind us.  We couldn't help ourselves!)

It's hard to describe what it's actually like inside of the 13th Gate.  The best way to say it is that it felt like I was in a horror movie.  Seriously.  The artistry is amazing, and nothing looks fake.  There are chopped up bodies everywhere, snakes, evil clowns, skeletons, a crematory area that you have to crawl through... every time you start to feel comfortable with one of the themes, you turn the corner and suddenly become claustrophobic.

There were no actors dressed as monsters inside, which I was thankful for because I was already severely creeped out and my heart wouldn't be able to take it.  But there were some "automated haunts" that scared me just the same.  Some of the artwork was breathtakingly beautiful, and some of it didn't exactly take your breath away but definitely made you want to gag.  Either way, it did its job.

A big Thank You to Dwayne Sanburn and the people at the 13th Gate, thanks to the BRAC council that organizes Tech Tuesday, and thanks to all the tech nerds that pretended to not see my soiled pants after walking through the scariest haunted house I've ever been in.  Don't worry, nerds, I didn't see you soil yourselves either.  Your secret is safe with me.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Running Aground

In my previous blog post I wrote about how I've started the Couch to 5K running program back up, how my knees hurt like a mutha, and how Betty called me out for being a wuss by showing me an article of a 39 week pregnant woman who ran a marathon in 6 hours and then gave birth that night.

That article didn't help my self-esteem - and it didn't help my knees, either.  I've read that I might have "Runner's Knee" in which my patellas are scraping up against cartilage (layman's terms for "joint goo") and that's why my knees hurt.  Although I could possibly have what's called Wussitis, which is where your body turns into a giant heap of hair and blubber over a matter of years, starting with your knees. (I'm halfway there already.)

I've also had it pointed out to me that my gut is as big as a 39 week pregnant woman's, so it's OK that I could barely run a mile while she ran a marathon because she didn't have Runner's Knee.  Science!

Now, to make matters worse, today I read that a 100 year-old man ran a marathon.  It took him only 8 hours, which is 18 hours less than it would have taken me, and I'm only 31.

Well, let's be honest, with my Runner's Knee it might have taken me 20 hours longer.

 I am now less manly than a 39 week pregnant woman and a 100 year old man.  And I still can't run a mile without my knees creaking in agony.

Is there a Couch to 5K Wii game or something that I could be playing instead?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm a Bigger Baby Than a Real Baby

I've started the Couch to 5K back up again. Couch to 5K is a running program where you get into shape by literally getting up off the couch - or if you're like me, your recliner - run in a set pattern for two months, and then your body magically turns into an amazing long-distance runner's body.

My goal is not necessarily to run a 5K, although that's what I'm supposed to be able to do after 2 months on this program.  My goal is to be able to take my shirt off again without Betty vomiting a little in her mouth.

Running several times a week is a tall order for me, though. I've been an Laziness Expert for over 10 years. Couch to 5K has its work cut out.  I mean, I didn't just get this lazy on accident.  I worked my ass off to be this lazy, and by golly if I'll let 2 months screw that over!

I've just started my third week of running, and my knees were hurting really bad after my last run.  I took a hot bath and soaked my legs, and that seemed to help a little bit. But I was still feeling sore, sitting on the couch and complaining to Betty, when she hands me her phone and tells me to read the article she had pulled up.

The article's headline was: Woman gives birth after running a marathon.

Yeah, so... a woman, who was 39 weeks preggers, RAN A MARATHON and then gave birth that night.

My wife basically just called me a wuss, except with a P and a Y instead of a W.  I'm apparently a bigger baby than an actual baby.  And that pregnant woman was more of a man than I'll ever be.

So I'm now no longer able to complain about my sore knees, for fear that Betty will revoke my Man Card again.

I blame it all on that pregnant woman's doctor.  He or she should have never let her run.  Then my wife would be massaging my aching legs instead of laughing about how much of a wuss I am.  I smell a malpractice lawsuit!

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Fantasy Football 2012: My All White Team

I know we're still in the early weeks of the 2011 fantasy football season, but I'm already looking ahead to next year.  And I've decided that, since I'll probably lose anyway, I might as well try to make an "all white" team.

Consider it a thought experiment.

Now I know what you're thinking:  Are there enough white people playing in the NFL to even make up a fantasy football team? The answer is yes, as long as you limit your league's team makeup to be just a quarterback, 3 wide receivers, 2 running backs, a tight end, a defensive player, a team defense and 4 bench spots (which just so happens to be my league's makeup).

Here's what I've got so far.  You tell me who I should add to this list.  Note that I can't remove anyone because there just aren't enough good whities to go around, and many of these guys will get drafted before I can take them.  I'm also listing all players that I'm willing to consider in order of preference, so you'll see multiple players listed for the same position even if I can't use all of them.

QB (1):
Tom Brady
Aaron Rodgers
Drew Brees
Peyton Manning
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Philip Rivers
Matt Ryan
Matt Schaub
Matt Hasselbeck
Tony Romo

WR (3):
Wes Welker
Miles Austin - I think he's half white or something, so I could use him for half the season.
Roddy White - Sure, his skin is black, but his last name is White.  It counts!
Jordy Nelson
Austin Collie
Brian Hartline
Kevin Walter

RB (2):
Peyton Hillis
John Kuhn
Jacob Hester

TE (1):
Jimmy Graham
Anthony Hernandez
Rob Gronkowski
Owen Daniels
Dallas Clark
Jason Witten
Scott Chandler
Jeremy Shockey
Chris Cooley

D (1):
Brian Urlacher
Clay Matthews
Pat Angerer
A.J. Hawk

K (1):
All the kickers are white, I think, so it really doesn't matter.

DEF (1):
Defense is a mix.  Whichever is the whitest, I guess.

I won't attempt to create my "all white" team this year, because I want to actually win a game or two.  By the way, I've won three games in a row, and the team I'm playing next year is stacked with wide receivers but they're all on a bye week (or hurt) so it's looking good for Ol' Bob!  Of course, I won't win a game after that, but it's been fun while it's lasted.

Good luck to everyone who has someone in Monday night's game, unless you winning negatively affects my ranking.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Prayers for Tripp

Betty and I have been reading about a little boy named Tripp Roth for a couple of months now.  We read about it on a blog called "EB"ing a Mommy, beautifully written by Tripp's mother Courtney.  Tripp has a disease called Epidermolysis Bullosa which basically means that he doesn't produce the right amount of collagen, which connects the two outermost layers of the skin, so anytime his skin moves - when he smiles, walks, turns over, grabs something, blinks - the layers of his skin rub against each other and form blisters.  Basically, the more he moves, the more blisters he gets, and so his body is covered with blisters, as you can imagine.

Children with Epidermolysis Bullosa, or EB for short, generally don't live very long.  Tripp's particular type of EB is termed "Junctional," and kids with Junctional EB have a life expectancy of around 2 years.  We're hoping that Tripp is going to buck that trend.  He's already almost 2 and half.

Go, Tripp!

Courtney and Tripp live in Ponchatoula, which is about a 45 minute drive from Baton Rouge.  The fact that they live so close means that we know people who are from Ponchatoula or still live there, and they know or at least know of Courtney and Tripp.  So this story really hits close to home.

Courtney's blog serves several purposes:  to put her emotions down on paper, to help spread Tripp's story, to make people aware of Epidermolysis Bullosa, and mainly just to ask people to pray for Tripp.  And it's working.  Betty and I pray every time we read or even think about Tripp.  Courtney's love and dedication to her son is really moving.  I've teared up several times reading her blog posts and poems.

So Courtney's asking for prayers, and Betty and I are more than happy to pray.  But we want to do something more.  I don't know if there's a fund for Tripp or not, but lately there have been some prayer vigils and I think some fund raisers for Courtney.  If anyone reading this has some more info on where to send money or when the next event to help raise money will be, please leave a comment.

Betty and I are so thankful to have two beautiful, smart, creative children.  We have a great life.  I have a good job, enjoy my work, and although money can be tight sometimes, we're always aware that we have more than we need.  But there are many days when I'll be in a bad mood or something small will set me off, and then I'm just a miserable person to be around for a few hours.  But then I read Courtney's blog, and I really feel like I'm going through many of the same emotions that Courtney is - love, fear, despair, hope... and it puts everything back into perspective for me.  Nothing other than our family and our health really matters.  Everything is just extra.  We need to enjoy our time together, because we don't know how long it will be, and we should be thankful for it.

I hope we find a cure for EB.  I hope Tripp gets better.  Tripp, buddy, you have our prayers.

Courtney, my heart goes out to you and your family.  You are an incredible person.  Please keep us up to date on our little Tripp.

By the way, Tripp's story is gaining traction.  Recently, Elmo (yes - THE Elmo) recorded a song just for Tripp.  I mean, if that doesn't make you love Elmo even more than you already do, then I don't know what will.  You can check out Elmo's song for Tripp here.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

The Wizard of Oz, As Told In 2011

The Wizard of Oz is a beautiful movie (and based on a pretty good series of books).  But what if it were written / filmed today?  Here's how I think it would pan out:

The Wizard of Oz:  Or, The Great Tornado of 2011

Dorothy, who is made fun of mercilessly by her peers due to her seemingly old-timey name, lives on a farm in Kansas.  Her parents moved out to Kansas in 2005 after finding the KansasFreeLand website, which helps people find counties in Kansas that are literally giving away free land in the hopes that people will ignore all of the killer tornadoes and move there.

Speaking of tornadoes, one day in 2011 a tornado came through Dorothy's town.  Dorothy would have been safe hiding in an underground bunker, which her uncle had built to hide from the aliens when they inevitably attack (or so he believed), but she had run back towards the house to save her dog Toto.

Dorothy loved Toto.  She had adopted the dog from the local animal shelter and named him Toto after her favorite rock band, Toto, which Dorothy loved, because her part of Kansas only got classic rock stations.  Her parents were too cheap to buy a SiriusXM subscription.  Had she owned a SiriusXM subscription, she could have listened to the K-State football games and danced with joy as they lost to Nebraska each year by only a field goal.

Anyway, by the time she grabbed Toto, the tornado was bearing down on her and she didn't think she'd have time to run back to the bunker.  So instead she ran into her house.

Unfortunately for Dorothy and Toto, Dorothy's house was built during the housing boom of the 2000's and was therefore built using unskilled labor.  This resulted in shoddy craftsmanship, which is a kind way of saying that the house was barely holding up even though it was relatively new, and also explains why the entire house was lifted as the tornado approached.  The house kept swirling up and up, somehow staying level despite being blown thousands of feet in the air, and managed to stay mostly intact as it smashed down several minutes later.

The speed of the house falling, in addition to the impact of the house crashing down, knocked Dorothy out for a minute or two.  When she woke up, her senses were discombobulated.  She seemed to be able to see colors that she had never seen before, was able to hear sounds from inanimate objects - such as a scarecrow that her parents had left in the living room but had meant to put out for Halloween - and her speech patterns and accent were somehow changed from Kansas farm girl to be more like an English schoolgirl.

She stepped out of the house and into the bright sunlight, where she was immediately surrounded by short, fat people dressed like fancy hillbillies.  Dorothy was used to seeing fat people - she had lived in America all her life.  And she was delighted to see a town full of midgets because her favorite characters from the Lord of the Ring trilogies were the dwarfs and hobbits, and they were both short.  But she wasn't used to people dressing so fancy.

"My!" she exclaimed.  "My house!  Oh my gosh, what happened?"  (Author's note:  She really didn't say "My!" and "Gosh!" here.  What she really said was something more like, "Holy $#!7, my dad's going to *$%(ing kill me!"  But we're cleaning it up for the kids.)

Just then, a pink bubble floated into view, getting larger as it floated closer.  The munchkins - which Dorothy named the midgets, because she thought of what Uncle Jessie called Michelle on Full House - all knelt down out of respect.  The bubble made its way to Dorothy, but popped when it touched a shard of wood sticking out from the house.

Pop!  A beautiful princess fairy in a pink gown suddenly appeared.

"Здравейте, как са ви?" the fairy asked sweetly.  But Dorothy didn't understand Bulgarian, so the fairy asked again in various languages until she came upon English.  "Hello, how are you?"

"Oh!  I can understand you!  I'm Dorothy and my house was caught in a tornado and I don't know where I am and I'm scared and..." Dorothy went on for a bit without taking a breath.  When she got all that out, she settled down and asked, "Who are you?"

"I am the Good Fairy of the North, and my name is Glinda."

"Good Witch!  Good Witch!"  several of the munchkins started to chant.

"No, no, it's not Good Witch, it's Good Fairy!  Please, you'll stir up all kinds of trouble again!" the Good Fairy of the North pleaded.

Then a brigade of angry munchkins stormed out of a house shaped like a toadstool, with signs on poles that read, "Burn the witch!", "Keep witchcraft out of Munchkinland!" and "Glinda, will you marry me?  NOT!  Devil!"  They kept marching around Glinda until Toto started to chase after one who looked like a large squeak toy.  As they ran off, they could be heard yelling about how science would prevail over witchcraft.

"You've killed the Wicked Witch of the East," Glinda said.  "You've won the war over Munchkinland.  And to the victors go the spoils of war, so here, let's loot her red shoes.  They're on back order at Amazon and won't be in season next year."

Just then, a flash of green smoke shot out of the ground in front of Dorothy, and the Wicked Witch of the West appeared.  She was just about to cast a level three Fire spell on Dorothy when Toto appeared at her leg, and lifting his own, started to pee on the witch's leg.

"Nooo!" she screamed.  "I'm melting!  Melting!"  And the witch started to melt away.

"Wait," Dorothy said.  "The witch dies from water?"

"Yes," Glinda said.

"But..." Dorothy continued, "if she flies in the air on her broom, couldn't she have been rained on?  Or gotten hot and just sweated?  I mean, water killing the antagonist - that's like the plot of that M. Night Shyamalan movie Signs.  And the aliens were green, and the Wicked Witch of the West is green, and.... and...."  She nearly fainted from exhaustion.

"You must follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz," Glinda said.

"Emerald City?  You mean Seattle?"

"Yes," Glinda said.  "One of Seattle's many nicknames is the Emerald City.  And you must go there.  The Wizard will help you!"

"But..." Dorothy said.  "Aren't you a witch... uh... fairy?  Can't you teleport me or something?  Or let me ride in your bubble, or call a fairy taxi service and have them bring me there?"

"Oh, yes, I guess I can.  I didn't think about that.  I've only been a Good Witch for a few years now and never really have a chance to use all my powers.  Now, click your heels three times and say, 'Glinda is the best fairy ever!'"

And so it went that Dorothy was transported home, and although her family and friends were originally glad to see her alive and well, they soon put her in an insane asylum due to her continued insistence that she had gone to a distant land, saw in new and dazzling colors, and met a tribe of shorter and fatter Americans with fancy hillbilly clothes.

She became ostracized from society, and her dog Toto was left to run around the woods near her house, never to be seen again.  She died a poor, dejected girl, always maintaining that she was innocent, and was never allowed to have DNA testing or any other medical testing to show that her eyes had indeed undergone a biological change.  Such was the state of the legal system in Kansas.

The end.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Breast Cancer Awareness Month: Test Your Ta-Tas

It's October, which means it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, or as I like to call it, "Test Your Ta-Tas Month."

Testing your ta-tas is one of the most important things you can do.  You see, men are simple creatures.  We like sports, food, hunting, pro-wrestling (which I'm distinguishing from actual sports) and women.  In particular, we like things about women that are specific to women, like breasts and hoo-hoos.  (Note:  Man boobs, or "moobs," do not count as breasts in a man's opinion, unless you're into that kind of thing.)

Men like women so much that we do everything for them.  I mean, I enjoy writing software and making money, but if there wasn't a woman involved then I'd be perfectly happy to sit at home (or at my parents' home) and veg out.  They may not like it, but there would be no motivating me.  I'm a man - I need a woman to motivate me to do anything.

That's how it goes, folks.

And it's not just me.  History is rife with men doing crazy stuff for women.  Remember the Trojan War?  Yeah, there was a hot little Miss Thang called Helen of Troy who was kidnapped because she was considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world, and then the Greeks sent a thousand ships filled with soldiers and manly men to retrieve her.  They fought for ten years, over a woman.  A really hot woman.

Us men don't kid around when it comes to the ladies.

Need more examples of how much men go ga-ga for ta-tas?

King Henry VIII wanted to marry Anne Boleyn and the Catholic Church wouldn't let him, so guess what?  He declared himself the supreme religious leader of England and separated England from the Catholic Church.  The Catholics and Protestants are still fighting to this day in the UK.  This guy separated his entire country from God so he could get jiggy with a lady.

There are a lot of other examples but I won't get into them.  Just know this:  society only exists in its current form because men want to impress women.

I know what you're going to say.  "But Bob, aren't some wars fought just because some greedy people are trying to steal someone else's money and resources?"  The answer is no.  Greed is a direct result of wanting money so some guy can impress one or more ladies.

It's all about the ladies.

So women, you have an obligation to take care of yourselves so that us men can continue to be inspired and motivated by you.  And don't misunderstand me.  I'm not saying that men are not interested in what you have to say, or your ideas, or your thoughts and feelings.  We are.  We're just much more interested when we know that we have a chance at getting jiggy with you.

So go get your breasts examined so that the world can continue to run.  It's for the good of society.