Tuesday, October 04, 2011

The Wizard of Oz, As Told In 2011

The Wizard of Oz is a beautiful movie (and based on a pretty good series of books).  But what if it were written / filmed today?  Here's how I think it would pan out:

The Wizard of Oz:  Or, The Great Tornado of 2011

Dorothy, who is made fun of mercilessly by her peers due to her seemingly old-timey name, lives on a farm in Kansas.  Her parents moved out to Kansas in 2005 after finding the KansasFreeLand website, which helps people find counties in Kansas that are literally giving away free land in the hopes that people will ignore all of the killer tornadoes and move there.

Speaking of tornadoes, one day in 2011 a tornado came through Dorothy's town.  Dorothy would have been safe hiding in an underground bunker, which her uncle had built to hide from the aliens when they inevitably attack (or so he believed), but she had run back towards the house to save her dog Toto.

Dorothy loved Toto.  She had adopted the dog from the local animal shelter and named him Toto after her favorite rock band, Toto, which Dorothy loved, because her part of Kansas only got classic rock stations.  Her parents were too cheap to buy a SiriusXM subscription.  Had she owned a SiriusXM subscription, she could have listened to the K-State football games and danced with joy as they lost to Nebraska each year by only a field goal.

Anyway, by the time she grabbed Toto, the tornado was bearing down on her and she didn't think she'd have time to run back to the bunker.  So instead she ran into her house.

Unfortunately for Dorothy and Toto, Dorothy's house was built during the housing boom of the 2000's and was therefore built using unskilled labor.  This resulted in shoddy craftsmanship, which is a kind way of saying that the house was barely holding up even though it was relatively new, and also explains why the entire house was lifted as the tornado approached.  The house kept swirling up and up, somehow staying level despite being blown thousands of feet in the air, and managed to stay mostly intact as it smashed down several minutes later.

The speed of the house falling, in addition to the impact of the house crashing down, knocked Dorothy out for a minute or two.  When she woke up, her senses were discombobulated.  She seemed to be able to see colors that she had never seen before, was able to hear sounds from inanimate objects - such as a scarecrow that her parents had left in the living room but had meant to put out for Halloween - and her speech patterns and accent were somehow changed from Kansas farm girl to be more like an English schoolgirl.

She stepped out of the house and into the bright sunlight, where she was immediately surrounded by short, fat people dressed like fancy hillbillies.  Dorothy was used to seeing fat people - she had lived in America all her life.  And she was delighted to see a town full of midgets because her favorite characters from the Lord of the Ring trilogies were the dwarfs and hobbits, and they were both short.  But she wasn't used to people dressing so fancy.

"My!" she exclaimed.  "My house!  Oh my gosh, what happened?"  (Author's note:  She really didn't say "My!" and "Gosh!" here.  What she really said was something more like, "Holy $#!7, my dad's going to *$%(ing kill me!"  But we're cleaning it up for the kids.)

Just then, a pink bubble floated into view, getting larger as it floated closer.  The munchkins - which Dorothy named the midgets, because she thought of what Uncle Jessie called Michelle on Full House - all knelt down out of respect.  The bubble made its way to Dorothy, but popped when it touched a shard of wood sticking out from the house.

Pop!  A beautiful princess fairy in a pink gown suddenly appeared.

"Здравейте, как са ви?" the fairy asked sweetly.  But Dorothy didn't understand Bulgarian, so the fairy asked again in various languages until she came upon English.  "Hello, how are you?"

"Oh!  I can understand you!  I'm Dorothy and my house was caught in a tornado and I don't know where I am and I'm scared and..." Dorothy went on for a bit without taking a breath.  When she got all that out, she settled down and asked, "Who are you?"

"I am the Good Fairy of the North, and my name is Glinda."

"Good Witch!  Good Witch!"  several of the munchkins started to chant.

"No, no, it's not Good Witch, it's Good Fairy!  Please, you'll stir up all kinds of trouble again!" the Good Fairy of the North pleaded.

Then a brigade of angry munchkins stormed out of a house shaped like a toadstool, with signs on poles that read, "Burn the witch!", "Keep witchcraft out of Munchkinland!" and "Glinda, will you marry me?  NOT!  Devil!"  They kept marching around Glinda until Toto started to chase after one who looked like a large squeak toy.  As they ran off, they could be heard yelling about how science would prevail over witchcraft.

"You've killed the Wicked Witch of the East," Glinda said.  "You've won the war over Munchkinland.  And to the victors go the spoils of war, so here, let's loot her red shoes.  They're on back order at Amazon and won't be in season next year."

Just then, a flash of green smoke shot out of the ground in front of Dorothy, and the Wicked Witch of the West appeared.  She was just about to cast a level three Fire spell on Dorothy when Toto appeared at her leg, and lifting his own, started to pee on the witch's leg.

"Nooo!" she screamed.  "I'm melting!  Melting!"  And the witch started to melt away.

"Wait," Dorothy said.  "The witch dies from water?"

"Yes," Glinda said.

"But..." Dorothy continued, "if she flies in the air on her broom, couldn't she have been rained on?  Or gotten hot and just sweated?  I mean, water killing the antagonist - that's like the plot of that M. Night Shyamalan movie Signs.  And the aliens were green, and the Wicked Witch of the West is green, and.... and...."  She nearly fainted from exhaustion.

"You must follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz," Glinda said.

"Emerald City?  You mean Seattle?"

"Yes," Glinda said.  "One of Seattle's many nicknames is the Emerald City.  And you must go there.  The Wizard will help you!"

"But..." Dorothy said.  "Aren't you a witch... uh... fairy?  Can't you teleport me or something?  Or let me ride in your bubble, or call a fairy taxi service and have them bring me there?"

"Oh, yes, I guess I can.  I didn't think about that.  I've only been a Good Witch for a few years now and never really have a chance to use all my powers.  Now, click your heels three times and say, 'Glinda is the best fairy ever!'"

And so it went that Dorothy was transported home, and although her family and friends were originally glad to see her alive and well, they soon put her in an insane asylum due to her continued insistence that she had gone to a distant land, saw in new and dazzling colors, and met a tribe of shorter and fatter Americans with fancy hillbilly clothes.

She became ostracized from society, and her dog Toto was left to run around the woods near her house, never to be seen again.  She died a poor, dejected girl, always maintaining that she was innocent, and was never allowed to have DNA testing or any other medical testing to show that her eyes had indeed undergone a biological change.  Such was the state of the legal system in Kansas.

The end.

1 comment:

Dhiraj said...

The appeal of the film results from the perfect integration of musical numbers and adventures for enhancing and advancing a gripping plot. Wizard of Oz' posses all the ingredients of a perfect fairy tale. In fact, the movie laid down these rules.