Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Planetary Naming Convention

Why are the planets named after Roman gods?  Didn't the people who discovered and named these planets know that the Roman gods were just hacked copies of the Greek gods?

I've decided that I'm going to call all of the planets by their Greek names.  Here's a list of them, in case you've forgotten your Greek or haven't read the Percy Jackson series lately.

Mercury - Hermes.  You might remember him as the god in Disney's Hercules that Paul Shaffer voiced.  Hermes is the messenger of the gods.  I like to think of him as the Instant Messenger of the gods, but without all the cheesy emoticons.

Venus - Aphrodite.  As in, Mighty Aphrodite.  She's the goddess of love, or as I like to call her, the goddess of sweet, sweet love.  Yeah, baby!

Earth - Well, Earth isn't named after a Roman god.  So we can leave this one as Earth.  But if I could suggest a new name for it, it would be Optimus Prime or Thundercats.

Mars - Ares.  Ares is the god of war.  I say we should blow it up.  That'll teach it who's boss!

Jupiter - Zeus.  Did you know that there's already a planet named Zeus?  I didn't, until I started writing this blog.  Since nobody except the guy who named that planet knows that it even exists, I say that Jupiter is fair game to be called Zeus.

Saturn - Kronos.  Technically, Kronos was a titan and not a god, which is weird because the gods were children of the titans.  It's like the whole chicken and the egg argument.  If the gods are children of titans, then are the titans gods?  And are the gods then titans?

Uranus - Ouranos.  Actually, you know what?  I think we should keep this one as Uranus.  We'd lose too many good jokes if we didn't.

Neptune - Poseidon.  Poseidon was the god of the sea as well as of horses, because the Greeks thought that the ocean's waves looked like horses or something.  The Greeks must have smoked a lot of hallucinogens.

Pluto - Hades.  Technically, Pluto is another Greek name for Hades, but I like the name Hades better.  Pluto was a planet when I was a kid, but then scientists discovered an object that they named Eris (which, by the way, is the Greek goddess of strife and discord) which is big but not really planet-sized, so then they decided that if Eris wasn't a planet then Pluto wasn't a planet either.  Well, screw scientists, I still consider Pluto a planet.  And screw Eris, too.  (Eris isn't offended by that - once again, Eris was the goddess of strife.)

And if you want to be fancy, you can call the sun Helios and the moon Selene.  Because, you know, chicks really dig that.

Eating by Osmosis

There are foods that are actually good for you if you rub them all over your face.  Don't believe me?  It's true!  Reader's Digest even has this article about it!

This came to no surprise to my son, Peter, who routinely smears food all over his face and hair.  It's like he already understands, even at one and half years old, that these foods - besides being delicious - also have healing and/or moisturizing powers.

Now, it very well may be that he doesn't completely understand which foods are good to rub all over one's body, as he seems to rub everything all over himself.  I consider this trial and error, and I'm all for it.  How else is he going to learn?

The Reader's Digest article that I linked to earlier in the blog... well, Peter could have told them that several of those ingredients were good for you.  He knows this because he recently smashed a banana-flavored cupcake all over himself and rubbed it throughout his hair.  He was practically massaging his scalp with the icing.  And what's in a banana-flavored cupcake?  Banana, egg and milk - three of the nine ingredients listed in the Reader's Digest article.

You can see more of Peter and his adventures smearing food all over himself at his very own website, Pete of the Day.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I love to sing. I'm horrible at it but that doesn't stop me from crooning in the key of screech. I sing all the time - at home, in my car, in the shower. I sing so often that sometimes I forget that I'm even singing.

But yesterday while changing my son's diaper, he reminded me that not only was I singing but that I suck at it.

I was singing something ridiculous, like the "Fa la la la la" part of Deck the Halls as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, when my one year old son points at me and screams, "Nooo!!!"

I stopped singing my opera rendition of Christmas carols and looked down at him. Then, while smiling, put his finger up to his lips and shushed, "Shhhh!"

Everyone's a critic.

He's repeated this action several times now, and will now even shush Betty, so it's become a game to sing as annoying as possible so that he'll shush us.

On the bright side, I am no longer allowed to sing lullabies. So the joke's on him, because now he just gets put in bed.

Fa la la la la, little dude!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sexy Christmas Songs

Thanksgiving is over, so once you drop the extra 5 pounds you put on over the holiday, you'll be back to your fighting shape and ready to curl up next to the fireplace and make sweet, sweet romantic overtures towards your little honey (but will probably be rejected).  To help set the mood, here are 5 classic Christmas songs that I'm retitling to be more of an adult persuasion.

Jingle Balls
Yeah, I know, this one was easy.  You can pretty much take anything with Bells or Halls in it (I'm looking at you, Deck the Halls) and turn it into "balls."  But in order to set the mood correctly, consider wrapping your package with bells so your lady-friend can hear some nice ringing when she punches you in the nuts when you give her "yourself" instead of jewelry.

Frosty the Blow Man
For those out there who are into that kind of thing.

It's the Most Wonderful Time in my Pants
See what I did there? I changed "of the year" to "in my pants," in case you didn't catch that.  It's a lot funnier if you sing it out loud.  Go ahead, try it!

Your Body is a Winter Wonderland
You can either retool the original classic, or you can insert the word "Winter" into John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland."  Either way, this will either get you some lovin' from your honey, or you will fail miserably and will spend the night alone on the couch or even outside.  Remember, folks:  high risk equals high rewards.

Here Comes Santa Claus (original name)
I didn't change anything with this song title.  It's funny enough as it is.

I hope you've enjoyed this list of romantic Christmas songs.  Enjoy making up your own!  If you feel the need, please leave a comment with your own titles.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving from the Tanory Tantrum!

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'd like to share a handful of ways that you and your family can enjoy this holiday season.

Thanksgiving:  You gather around the table with your immediate and extended family, say a prayer of thanks, then massacre a turkey.  As you bite into a succulent piece of white meat, your mind starts to wander, and you think about how all that cornbread got all up inside that turkey's butt in the first place.

Spanksgiving:  Spanksgiving is like Thanksgiving, except instead of sitting around with family, eating a huge meal and giving thanks for all of the good things in our life, Spanksgiving involves firmly spanking your loved ones as they walk by you.   You might also be wearing Spanx.  You can read more about it here.

Cranksgiving:  Your kids are tired, which makes them cranky, which makes your wife cranky, who takes her aggression and frustration out on you, which of course makes you cranky.  You then become a terrible person to talk to, which makes everyone else cranky, because they all flew in from all over the country to spend the day with you.  If you are celebrating Cranksgiving then you are being a Crankenstein.  Which leads me to...

Franksgiving:  This one has two meanings.  It could be either:  1) You went to your cousins' band's gig the night before Thanksgiving and show up to your aunt's house late, hungover, stinky, and generally in a bad mood.  When someone talks to you, you respond with grunts.  Your head hurts when you look at any bright lights, so you walk around very slowly with your arms out in front of you so that you don't run into anything.   You are basically the equivalent of Frankenstein at Thanksgiving, and therefore the day becomes known as Franksgiving;  or 2) You celebrated Thanksgiving at Frank's in Prairieville.  Not a bad way to spend Thanksgiving, as long as you bring us back some biscuits.

Skanksgiving:  You're lonely and don't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with, so you call one of your skank friends and invite him or her over for dinner.  You eat a frozen turkey meal, make out, then call it a night.  You later find out that you've contracted a venereal disease.

Stanksgiving:  You haven't showered in six days yet still show up to your mom's house and expect everyone to not only pretend to be happy to see you, but to also hug you - which of course they don't do, because your hair looks like someone dumped a bowl of gravy in it.  You stink so much that you transcend stinkiness until people say that you "stank."  You sit by yourself, outside, alone on the patio, and even the dog won't go near you.  You still enjoy a pleasant day full of great food and get your weekly dose of Vitamin D, so it turns out to be an OK day.

Flanksgiving:  This one has a double meaning as well.  It could mean either:  1) You're eating flank steak instead of turkey for Thanskgiving, because Winn-Dixie was having a two-for-one flank sale that you just couldn't pass up;  or 2) You've outflanked your opponent in war and are about to destroy their cavalry, after which you will eat all of their rations and livestock - some of which are turkeys.

Banksgiving:  You celebrate Thanksgiving with someone who works in the banking industry.  You pay a 2% hidden fee for attending the feast, $1.99 for access to a restroom, and get a free toaster for signing up to help with next year's Thanksgiving dinner.

Shooting Blanksgiving:  You've just had a vasectomy and your "giblets and gizzards" have just healed so that you can now get it on with your wife again.  You've just eaten a huge Thanksgiving meal and are cuddling up with your wife, when "ding!" the "oven timer" goes off and you're now making sweet, sweet "apple pie" in your "kitchen."  If your wife becomes pregnant, that either means that the kid is not yours or that your vasectomy didn't work.  You will then look back at this Thanksgiving meal and wonder what life would have been like had you not eaten that second helping of turkey, broccoli casserole, carrot souffle and mashed potatoes.

Shranksgiving:  You spent the morning in the pool, and while changing into regular clothes for the Thanksgiving meal, a hot girl walks in on you.  She laughs at the size of your shrunken manhood, to which you reply, "I was in the pool!"  You are George Costanza.

Tanksgiving:  Your neighbors have a huge Thanksgiving meal with tons of family and friends - some of whom are parked in your driveway and even in your lawn.  Not only did your neighbors forget to ask if their guests could park in your yard, but they didn't even invite you to Thanksgiving.  You exact revenge by running their cars over with a tank.

Anhksgiving: You are an Egyptian god and carry around an anhk while eating a turkey dinner with some crocodiles on the Nile.

Pranksgiving:  You invite everyone to come to your house for Thanksgiving.  Your family flies in from all over the entire continental United States to be there with you and each other on this special day.  While everyone is at your house, a horde of pranksters - which you've hired - are going around to their houses putting up For Sale By Owner signs in their yards and foreclosure notices on their doors.

Yanksgiving:  We're all adults here... I shouldn't have to explain this one.  Can be combined with Skanksgiving, Shooting Blanksgiving and/or Spanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Stephen King, Live at Sacred Heart

Last week I got to do something pretty cool and potentially terrifying:  I got to see Stephen King do a book reading, live at Sacred Heart in New Orleans.

My broseph-in-law Danny got me hooked on King's Dark Tower series, which is more in the fantasy realm and less in the "oh no I crapped my pants" horror realm.  Danny saw that King was coming down to New Orleans, so we had no choice but to go.

Here's what I knew of Stephen King going into this book reading:

1. He's written a ton of scary stuff that has been the single biggest reason why I am afraid of clowns, rabid dogs, rabid bats, pet cemeteries, and girls named Zelda (other than the one in the Legend of Zelda games).

2. He likes baseball.

3. He lives in Maine.

What I didn't know about Stephen King was that he's frickin' hilarious!  Seriously, the first 30 minutes of his talk was really a stand-up comedy routine.  We laughed, we cried (for fear that if we didn't then he would write a scary story about all of us in some other dimension), we cheered.

I took notes on my phone while I was listening to him speak, and here are some of the bullet points that I jotted down:

1. This was his first time to New Orleans, although he's said that he's been to N.O. several times in his mind because he reads great writers such as James Lee Burke.

2. He ate beignets and loved them.  He also said, "Who dat!"  (But he ultimately likes the Patriots more than the Saints.  He's forgiven, since he's from the northeast.)

3. What scares Stephen King?  Public speaking!  At least, that was the case when he first started speaking publicly.  He's actually a really great public speaker.  He also hates snakes, spiders, and has a fear of getting trapped in an elevator (although I guess it depends on who is trapped in there with you).  Also, works by Ruth Rendell are to Stephen King what the works of Stephen King are to us.  (Ie, scary.)

4. He's a former schoolteacher.  He got the idea for his current book (11/22/63, in stores now) while in the break room at his former school, when someone asked, "What would the world be like if JFK hadn't been shot?"  He told stories about how 11/22/63 is the date that JFK was shot, and how that was his generation's 9/11.  (Everyone knew where they were when they found out about JFK, the date is instantly recognizable to that generation, etc.)

5. He wrote a novella called "The Body" which was later adapted as the film "Stand By Me." Who knew?!?  And since he also wrote "The Stand", that gave me the idea for a Stephen King mash-up called "The Stand By Me" - a post-apocalyptic horror/fantasy novel about the end of the world which also includes a pie eating contest where a fat kid pukes.

He read from his new book and then took questions from the audience.  Some of the questions were about sequels to his previous books, to which he replied that a sequel to the Shining (called Dr. Sleep) and a new Dark Tower book (The Wind Through the Keyhole) will be coming out soon.  The new Dark Tower book fits in between books 4 and 5.

The most interesting part of the talk was when King was describing his research for 11/22/63, and about how he traveled to all sorts of different places and about how times have changed.  He read from a part of the book that describes Dallas back in the late 50's and early 60's, and it doesn't sound like a very pleasant place.  But let's face it, it's Texas... how good could it be? (I kid, I kid!)  He said that he found Dallas to be a nice place now, but it was interesting hearing about the way things were back then.

I've seen a couple of really great authors - Khaled Hosseini and David Sedaris stand out - but seeing Stephen King was a really great experience.  And I'm not just saying that because if I don't then I'll have dreams about a terrifying clown or that a witch doctor will put a spell on me and make me turn so thin that I waste away.  Or maybe that is why I'm saying it.  Either way, it was great!  Go see him if you get the chance, and if he's not coming anywhere around you anytime soon, then check out his new book - 11/22/63.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Baton Rouge General Foundation 2011 Thank You Video

My daughter Anne is on her way to stardom!  She's been included in a video for Baton Rouge General, a hospital here in town.  The video was created to be shown at an event for Baton Rouge General, so it wasn't on TV or anything - but now that it's been uploaded to YouTube, I guess it's fair game for me to include on my blog.  Also, our good friend Nicolvin helped create and cast this video, so if you're looking for a good casting agent, I think I can hook you up.

Anne doesn't have any lines and you can only see her profile for a few seconds towards the end of the video, but hey, she's only 3!  If you're a movie director and are interested in casting a child for the next highly rated family sitcom, look no further!

Here's the video.  Enjoy!  And a big Thank You to the great people at Baton Rouge General.  Watching this video really makes me thankful for all of the great healthcare services here in town.


Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Woman Mistakes Offensive Coordinator's Play For Love Note

Talia Jacobsen, a 26 year-old graduate student, was smitten upon finding Paul Hendricks, her boyfriend of three months and also the offensive coordinator for the Harry Johnson Middle School's varsity football team, writing X's and O's on a large white board in his office with a black dry-erase marker.

According to Tantrum reporters, Talia is quoted as saying, "He must be composing a beautiful love note for me!  Just look at all those X's and O's!  Wow, I bet he's going to call me into his office later and propose while I take in a beautiful poem written in his hand on the whiteboard!  I have to go call my mom!"

But upon further investigation, the Tantrum found out that Hendricks was using the typical X's and O's to denote the the 4-3 defense in order to show starting quarterback Bo Hannessy how to understand and read different defensive coverages in order to call audibles at the line of scrimmage.

"Talia?" Hendricks said.  "Yeah, she's a sweet girl.  I'm also seeing two of her best friends."

As of the time of this publication, no word has been given on whether Talia was disappointed at finding out that no love note was being written, or if Hannessy had finally mastered the art of the audible.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Justin Bieber Revises Lyrics to Baby Song for Alleged Baby Mama

Amidst the ongoing Bieber Baby saga, Justin Bieber has revised the chorus to his song Baby to go from this:

And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine

to this:

It's not my baby, baby, baby, nooo
Not my baby, baby, baby, noooo
Not my baby, baby, baby, noooo
You knew you'd never be mine
I thought of these amazing lyrics while reading a story on the Huffington Post about how Bieber's accuser, Mariah Yeater, previously accused her ex-boyfriend of being the father of her child.  And I thought, wow, this girl really is in a bad place.  I mean, if Justin Bieber was going to pull someone aside after a concert and tell her he was going to bang her, it probably wouldn't be Mariah Yeater.  No offense, but seriously, any Bieber fan knows that he only bangs redheads after concerts.

OK, so maybe this isn't the most inspired blog post ever.  But you know, it could have been worse:  I could have tattooed the lyrics to Baby on my thigh, like this person!  Or maybe that would have been better. 

Hmm... I think I've just thought of a new blog post!  Now who's willing to pony up some dough for a tattoo?

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Kim Kardashian's Wedding: The Great American Satire

Kim Kardashian may only have originally become famous because she has a big ass and a sex tape, but she's now infamous for divorcing Kris Humphries (who allegedly is a basketball player, although I have my doubts) after 72 days of marriage, and after her wedding was televised.

But she's also America's greatest living artist.

Hear me out, people!

Say what you want about her vows, but her wedding, whether it was real or staged for her TV show, is pure satire on the American lifestyle.

You see, Kim Kardashian is the embodiment of America's youth at the moment:  She's famous for posting videos of herself online (although most youth don't exactly post sex tapes), she's overweight (at least from the top of her butt to the bottom of it), she's not very good at math or science, she has a step-parent, and she's been divorced.  This is her second divorce, by the way.

Statistically, she's an Every Man of today's American Youth.

Her father was even involved with the OJ Simpson trial.  Come on, there's no better link to the American psyche than that!

And we all know that the divorce rate in America is a disgrace. What better way than to shed light on the fact that kids today cannot stay married together for more than a few years than to have the Personification of American Youth get married and then divorced two months later?

It's Art Imitating Life.  Except that this is Kim Kardashian's actual life.  So maybe it's Life Imitating Life.

Either way, it's genius.

I'm not happy that Kim Kardashian got a divorce so quickly, or at all.  I take no pleasure in the fact that a lot of people can't seem to stay married.  I know that people change, that everyone's situation is difficult.  I'm not judging.  I know that I'm a difficult person to live with, so I'm sure Betty has thought about at least killing me a few times today.  (It's OK, honey, your self-restraint at not killing me is one of things that I love best about you!)  So I understand why some people choose to get divorced.

But the reality is, our generation's marriages are not built to last.  Our generation is missing something that past generations had.  I don't know if it's the instant gratification that we've come to expect with everything from shopping to food, or that Americans are just not willing to work as hard for the same things that our parents and grandparents had.  But what better way to shed a light on that reality than by a reality star?

And if it's going to be a reality star, at least let it be one that has a big ass and is famous for a sex tape.  Because if we're going to have to look at her for the next month, at least we'll enjoy ourselves.

Kudos to you, Kim Kardashian, for satirizing our nation's marriage problem.  Now let's let the healing begin.