Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Screw the Government

I don't know if it's because I live in the South, or because of all of the Tea Party talk, the Occupy Wall Street protests or the election coverage, but I've suddenly got a new motto:

Screw the Government!

And by "screw" I mean "Make Sweet, Sweet Love to the Government!"

That's right, I'm randy for some political theater!  Bring on the Judicial Branch!

Why do I like the Judicial Branch so much?  Well, let me ask you a question:  have you ever wondered what's under those judges robes?  I bet it's just socks and a smile.  It kind of makes me want to go assault and/or batter someone just to get in front of a judge.  Of course I'm kidding!  I would much rather trespass and rob someone's house than beat them up.

I kid!  I kid!  Of course that's not funny and is totally irresponsible of me to say that.  I deeply apologize to all of you.

Because, you know, it really is disturbing to think that I like the Judicial Branch the best.  Everyone knows that all those judges do anyway is just interpret the law.  Psh!  Come on!  That's nothing!  What about the people who put all of their time and energy into making the laws so vague and prone to being interpreted in various ways in the first place - the Legislative Branch!

That's right, where would we be without Congress?  Well, without Vitter (R - LA), a certain brothel on Canal Street would be in dire financial shape.  But I mean, in general?

Think about how many American lobbying jobs would be lost if we didn't have a pliable, malleable Congress to lobby!  Our Congress keeps our unemployment rate below 10%.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Of course, it's not the Legislative Branch gets all the credit for coming up with ludicrous laws that the be-robed Judicial Branch then has to decipher.  No, because the President - who heads up the Executive Branch - can veto those laws if they're not crazy enough.

Personally, I like the Executive Branch the least.  At least with the Legislative Branch you can occasionally watch people get into a fistfight - even if it's just a foreign nation's legislators.  But with a single President... well, there's really not much there except long speeches that interrupt your football games, robo-calls from presidential campaigns, and the potential to affect the country for decades down the line due to domestic and foreign policy.


But, the President does have a big white house.  And have you ever seen the Washington Monument?  In the immortal words of Austin Powers, "Does that make you horny, baby?!?"

I know it has that effect on me.  Which is why my new motto is "Screw the Government!"  I hope that humping state- and/or federally-owned  buildings is not illegal because I'm in the mood for love... of my country!

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