Every year my family votes on the Golden Globes. I usually do pretty well. The trick is to just pick any foreign actor, foreign film, or foreign-sounding name, because the Golden Globes are voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press. As a bonus, you should also always pick Tony Shalhoub when he's eligible. (The HFP loves Tony Shalhoub!)
I also look for actresses with Golden Globes, if you know what I mean. (I mean boobies.)
Unfortunately, this year I forgot about my own advice and instead voted as if I were voting for the Oscars. And, to be funny, I voted for Ryan Gosling not once but twice, only because I recently wrote about how the Huffington Post loves him so much and thought it would be funny. (Hint: The Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't like him as much as the Huffington Post.)
The prize for the winner of this year's contest got his or her own blog post. It was a close race right down to the finish. Going into the last category of the night, Betty and her mom were tied for first. As soon as the winner was announced, Betty looked at the scorecard, saw that her mom had voted for the winner, and slumped with defeat. We marked her mom as the winner and sent off some emails declaring her the victor.
But then, the accounting firm of Tanory and Tanory took another look.
It turns out that I had used "J" for John Bobby, but Betty thought it was for Jane, her mom's name - despite the fact that I had written out an elaborate legend at the bottom of Page 2 explaining the naming scheme! So the point did not go to her mom, but instead went to John Bobby - who was now tied for first! Yes, the same John Bobby who won our fantasy football league just won the Golden Globes contest. I think he's cheating but I can't prove it yet.
A three-way tie for first? That's a Golden Globes trifecta!
Of course, it took us two more tries at declaring the winner to figure that out. We were so set on the race between Betty and her mom that we didn't see that John Bobby had also won at first.
So the winners get a blog post, and I'm taking the easy way out and consolidating all of their blogs into a single blog post. Deal with it! And if you don't mind, I'll write this as if we're awarding Golden Globes at a ceremony. I'm even writing this while sitting on a red carpet. (I spilled red wine on the carpet. Don't judge me.)
And the winner for Best Wife goes to...
Betty! And I'm not just saying that because I'm contractually obligated to do so due to a binding legal agreement sent out along with the Golden Globes scorecard on Sunday. I'm also not saying that because she's my only wife. She really is the greatest wife. Here, I'll prove it: She's beautiful, smart, funny, fun, and great at Rummikub (she always beats me at it). I'm always amazed at how much cool stuff our kids learn from her. She's a great friend and a wonderful person. And she was pretty good at picking Golden Globe winners this year - she was the only Tanory to place in the top three in the Tanory Golden Globes contest.
The winner for Best Brother-in-law goes to...
My condolences to my other brosephs-in-law, Danny and Bobby 1 (I'm Bobby 2 in my wife's family), but I'm going to go with John Bobby on this one. The reason? John Bobby has to deal with my sister all day, every day. He can't even laugh at this blog for fear of retribution from You-Know-Who. Look, nothing against my sister, but I couldn't even lock eyes with her over breakfast when I was a kid without her going ape shit. JB's Golden Globes win, on top of his aforementioned Fantasy Football win, plus having to live with my sister give him an edge in this race - for now.
Word of warning, John Bobby: if you don't control your wife, and if she calls, texts and/or emails me complaining of this blog post, or if I get a forward, a Facebook rant, anything - I'm revoking your award as best brother-in-law.
Reba, you know I'm just kidding. You're a great sister. But seriously, God bless John Bobby.
The winner for Best Mother-in-law goes to...
Is this even up for debate? I'll put your mother-in-law up against my mother-in-law any day of the week. Technically my mom is John Bobby's mother-in-law, but she won the Best Grandmother Award (which was a technical award given out in a ceremony last week) so is ineligible to win this award. It's in the bylaws.
Grammy's feeling so good after her Golden Globes win that she's going to be trying her luck at the horse track on Thursday. I hope her being part of the Golden Globes trifecta will earn her a trifecta at the track!
So that's it, I've paid my dues. Now I just have to think of something for the winner of the Oscars, and it had better be good because I fully intend of taking back the crown for that contest.