Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Judgement of Solomon

We all know the story of King Solomon, in particular the Judgement of Solomon where he says that he will split a baby in half because two women both claim that they're the mother of the baby. After Solomon says this, the real mom says to give the baby to the other woman, and then King Solomon knows that she's the real mom.

But what we don't know about King Solomon is if he would be able to survive in today's judicial system.

For starters, if Solomon worked in an American court and gave an actual judgement that a baby should be split in two, that would be the end of the verdict - until the judgement is immediately appealed. The case and verdict would be printed in a national press, the story would go viral, and instead of Solomon being deemed "wise" he would be be the recipient of vitriol, death threats and a YouTube montage.

He probably wouldn't be disbarred for ruling to dismember an innocent child, though. Remember the (dis)Honorable Roy Pearson, aka the Pants Suit Judge, who sued a dry cleaners for $54 million (originally $67 million) because he was guaranteed satisfaction and didn't feel satisfied? Yeah, they didn't even boot him off the bench - they just didn't reappoint him to his position.

Protestors would congregate outside the courthouse, holding signs accusing Solomon of murder. Concerned citizens would set up websites to take donations to cover the cost of going to court for one or more moms, while other websites would be set up to petition the government to remove Solomon from office.

Some peaceful protestors would be pepper-sprayed for not leaving the outskirts of the court even though they are sitting in public property, as is the norm nowadays.

#SolomonTheWise would become a new trend on Twitter, and would be used when someone says or does something incredibly dumb or misunderstood. A new website, Epic Solomons, would be set up in the same manner as Epic Fail. To come to a ridiculous conclusion concerning the death or dismemberment of an infant becomes known as Solomoning.

A white boy rap group gets 15 minutes of fame with a song called "It's All About the Solomoney," which goes viral on Facebook until everyone realizes that the kids who made the song were serious, at which point it becomes sad instead of funny.

Solomon would have to hire a PR firm to handle his public announcements. He's put on Paid Administrative Leave while his case is under review. A state agency takes the child into its wing until the case is finally closed.

In the end, a DNA test is done to determine the actual mother, although the father is unknown. Solomon later goes onto a daytime talk show where it is revealed that he is the father, which we all knew was likely because he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. The dude was good with the ladies.


The power went out at my house while I was writing this. An ominous sign that maybe some higher power doesn't like my sense of humor! So let me say that if I've offended anyone then I'm sorry - this is meant to be a reflection on our culture and not King Solomon. There, now can I please get my power back? Blogging on my phone is too hard with autocorrect!

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