Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Happy Halloween!

For my office's Halloween costume contest this year, I'm going as Honey Boo Boo.

Warning: The following picture is not suitable for young children.

This is my outfit. Wish me luck!

[Honey Boo Boo says Happy Halloween!]

Anybody have some 'sketty?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Garage Sale!

Betty and I are having a garage sale this weekend. It's on Saturday from 6 am to 1 pm. Please come by and buy all my stuff.

And who knows? If you buy enough stuff, you could be our Amazing Customer of the Day and make an appearance on the blog!

This is our first garage sale, and we didn't even know where to begin advertising for it. Lucky for us, we have friends and family who are expert garage salepeople.

For starters, if you have a blog (like me) then you can shamelessly promote it on your blog. That's what I'm doing, by the way. If you come by and say that you saw my blog, I'll give you a 10% discount off already low, low prices!

We also paid for a classified ad in The Advocate (Baton Rouge's daily newspaper) to appear on Friday and Saturday. In addition, we put up an ad on TheAdvocate.com. You can see our ad here because, well, it's pretty awesome. If we make $25 on our garage sale then we'll break even with what we've spent on marketing.

Is that a tax write-off?

But nobody's contacted us due to our ad on TheAdvocate.com. Instead, everyone is contacting us through Craig's List. (You can see our Craig's List ad here.)

I knew Craig's List was popular, but I had no idea it was so awesome. I mean, I knew that there were ads for prostitutes on Craig's List so I figured that it was probably a pretty frequently used site, but I wasn't expecting to sell a ton of stuff through Craig's List on a single day.

But that's exactly what we're doing. I guess what I'm saying is, by the time you read this blog it might be too late, because I'm apparently selling everything through Craig's List. Basically Craig's List is like a virtual garage sale, with occasional ads for erotic services.

Probably just writing "Craig's List", "protitutes" and "erotic services" has tripled my blog readership for the day. Hey, anyone looking for erotic services on Craig's List, I have a few old LSU shirts that may look great on you while you're having sex with whoever you found on Craig's List to have sex with. So drop by on Saturday! Don't forget to mention that you found our garage sale via my blog so you can get a discount!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Blogging for Boobies

If there's one thing I'm an advocate of, it's boobies. In particular, ta-tas, hoo-hoos, jugs and titties, not to mention breasts. Just look at my record:

In 2006 the Tanory Tantrum joined a coalition of bloggers in turning our blogs Pink for October. It was the first of many such times that my blog has sported pink in honor of breasts and all that they mean to me.

In 2008 I once again joined forces with Pink for October and turned my blog pink. I personally encouraged women to get their breasts examined and offered to examine them for half off what their doctors would charge them. (Please note: I'm not a doctor - just a breast enthusiast.)

In 2009 I wrote about how breasts make the world go round, and how a jiggly bosom makes any day better. I pleaded for the jiggling to continue. Hopefully many women out there headed my call. I also received three pictures of male breasticles from my readers.

In 2010 I vividly imagined a world without breasts and how it would be worse than the apocalypse. This was in an effort to have men encourage their ladies to check their lady bits for cancer.

In 2011 I advocated getting your breasts examined as part of "Test Your Ta-Tas Month."

This year I'm not going pink, although I encourage anyone with a blog to check out Pink For October's site and join up. Instead, I'd like to just tell you why it's important to me that you and your family members get screened for breast cancer if you're at risk.

Breast cancer took my aunt away from us. She had a personality that was larger than life, and the times that I spent with her and her my cousins are some of my favorite memories. They lived in Seattle, so we didn't get to see them much - which made the time we spent with them so much sweeter. And it's kind of crazy because I can't remember anything from my past very well, but I distinctly remember events from my life where she was in them. They're very vivid. I've tried writing them here but words just don't do the memories justice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you never know what you mean to someone else. And I never took the time to tell my aunt how much she meant to me. I'm sure all of my family knows that I love them, but it's not like I ever got around to telling my aunt, "That time that you and I chatted on the couch made me feel like the center of the universe, because I know that everyone wanted to see you and yet you still made time to focus on just me." We're just not wired that way.

So do yourself a favor, and do a favor to the people who love you and want to spend time with you, and get the necessary check-ups for breast cancer or anything else that you're at risk for. Because I promise you that someone is going to miss you.

I write a blog in which I attempt to be funny. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it's awful. But as long as breast cancer is around, I will be proudly Blogging for Boobies. Now go get yourself checked out.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Squeezing the Meat

My family is of Lebanese descent. You probably already know this because I have a gigantic unibrow that regenerates within hours of it having been shaved, distinctive to those of Middle Eastern descent.

The fun part of being Lebanese is that, when I was young, my grandma ("Gaga") would always have kibbeh (pronounced "kibbee"), grape leaves and hummus ready for us to eat. Kibbeh is like a Greek/Lebanese meat loaf; grape leaves are leaves from a grape vine wrapped around rice dressing mixed with magic; and hummus is a dip made from chick peas (or Garbanzo beans, if you want to be picky about it).

When I was a kid, I thought that was what everyone ate at their grandparents' house. Little did I know that my childhood was enchanted by delicious foods at every corner!

Betty is an honorary Lebanese: not only is she a Tanory, but she also makes a mean kibbeh and hummus. She learned most of these skillz from my mom.

Knowing that my mom is an expert teacher, when my Aunt Tena was in town from Minnesoooota a few weeks ago, she asked my mom if she could show her how to make kibbeh. I'm usually just the taste tester, but somehow I got roped into learning how to make it, too. So Tena and I decided to race to see who could make the best kibbeh the fastest.

It turned out to be pretty fun. This is me cooking. See how happy I am?

[Picture: I was happy enough just to eat it]

I can't list all the steps to making kibbeh, because my mom bought all the stuff, portioned everything out for us, and told me exactly what to do and when to do it. But Betty took pictures, so I'll give you the highlights.

First thing to know: kibbeh is made with wheat. And wheat, like rice, has to be soaked for a long time. Unlike rice, for kibbeh the wheat then must have the water squeezed out. If you forget to soak your wheat in water, don't worry: the wheat will soak up fluids when it gets into your stomach, at which point the wheat will expand (along with your stomach) and you'll either feel really bloated or your stomach will possibly explode, depending on the amount of kibbeh you've eaten. And if you're eating my kibbeh then you're hoping that I made it right. Good luck with that.

That's why step 1 to making kibbeh is: SQUEEZE THE WHEAT!

Here, I'll show you how:

[Picture: Squeeze the wheat!]

That is me literally scooping up handfuls of wheat that has been soaking in water, and then squeezing the bejeezus out of it. And that's my beautiful Aunt Tena in the background. I kicked her ass in wheat squeezing, by the way.

Step 2 is to then mix the wheat with meat. Your meat should be ground three times. And here's a tip: if you go to the deli and tell them that you want your meat ground three times and they tell you that they already grind their meat three times, you should loudly berate them for being lazy bastards and demand that they go back and grind it two more times. We're not making burger patties here, people. Lafayette has a few places that know what "kibbeh meat" means, because Lafayette is awesome. Facebook my mom for details.

[Picture: Lafayette knows how to squeeze its meat, if you know what I mean]

If squeezing meat between your hands sounds kinky, that's because it is. Adding damp wheat to it doesn't make it any less kinky, either. I think that's why kibbeh became so popular in the first place. Just look at how excited I'm getting while squeezing my meat?

[Picture: Squeeze the meat!]

I could barely keep up with all the squeezing. My hands and forearms started to tire out. But I pulled through at the end, and my meat got squeezed and mixed with wheat properly.

[Picture: Consider the meat squeezed!]

The next thing you do is find a big rectangular pan. I guess it could be any shape of pan, but my mom uses rectangular ones. Don't question my mom, she knows what she's doing. Partition your meat/wheat mixture into halves, and then spread one half thinly across the bottom of the pan. Have it go up the side as well.

Next, my mom scooped some other meat (possibly cooked? who knows) that was mixed with pine nuts and other stuff on top of the pan. She did this for both me and my Aunt Tena, although I tried to bump the spoon from her hand on more than one occasion. I take my cooking competitions seriously!

Next, make another layer of meat on top of what's already in your pan. My mom suggests making thin layers in your hand in small pieces and laying them out across the top of the pan. Here's a pic of mine about halfway through spackling the top of it with meat.

[Picture: Spackled with love! Uh, I mean...]

I'm getting indigestion just writing this. I'm also hungry for kibbeh now.

Once your meat is properly spackled, use a knife to cut diamond shapes across the top. Just start at one corner and cut your way down to the other corner, then repeat as necessary. This is what mine looked like when I was done:

[Picture: Diamonds are a girl's best friend]

The last thing to do, before you put it in the oven, is to melt as much butter as you can find and then pour it all over the kibbeh. Seriously, whatever butter you have in the house is probably not enough. Did I say that kibbeh was made with meat and wheat? It's really more like butter, with meat, wheat and a few pine nuts thrown in for good measure. Here's the final product (before it gets ovenized), and you can see the butter glistening in the background.

[Picture: Buttery kibbeh]

That's how you know this dish is good!

I unfortunately didn't take any pictures of the kibbeh after it came out of the oven. Sorry about that. I was too busy eating it. And even though both I and my Aunt Tena made kibbeh, we only cooked and ate mine that night. My kibbeh was delicious! But I think the fact that my parents kept my Aunt Tena's to themselves and ate it the next day means that they probably liked hers better. Therefore I declare my Aunt Tena the 2012 Annual Tanory Kibbeh Cook-off Winner.

Thanks to my mom for letting me help out with dinner, for getting everything ready for us, and for being such a great teacher. I had a blast! Thanks to Betty for documenting the whole thing. And thanks to Aunt Tena for being such a good sport while I made vulgar jokes about "handling my meat" the entire time we were cooking.

I'll get you next time, when we make grape leaves!

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Pressure Wash Art

I have a new love: pressure washing.

I'll pressure wash anything, anywhere, anytime. I love it for several reasons:
  1. It's easy.
  2. The results are immediate.
  3. The results are satisfying.
  4. I get to play with water.
  5. I can do it while spending time outside on a beautiful day.
  6. I can do it while it's raining.
  7. I can do it in my underpants (if I'm in the back yard and the gate is closed.)
I've also determined that I have a knack for making Pressure Wash Art. It's easy to do - all you need is a filthy piece of pretty much anything that needs to be pressure washed, and a desire to be a fantastic artist.

Here is my Pac Man art:

[Picture: Pac Man pressure washing art]

And... well, that's pretty much it. Oh, except for the penis and balls that I drew. Repeatedly.

[Picture: Erotic pressure washing art]

Some might call my work "immature." But the human body is a beautiful thing... especially when you have a sack as big as the one that I drew in relation to the shaft on my Twig and Berries artwork. See for yourself in this different angle of the same piece:

[Picture: Twig and Berries in repose]

I made other pressure artwork as well, but really, nothing was as good as the dong art and I had to just pressure wash around the other stuff to erase everything.

If you have any unique artistic talents, please let me know. You know, it's a "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" kind of art sharing thing.