Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Welcome, Little John Bobby!

I'd like to congratulate my sister and brother-in-law for officially becoming parents over the Thanksgiving weekend!

We knew they were having a boy but they kept the name close to the vest. They named their little dude after his daddy... John, Jr! His initials (minus his two middle names) is JRJR, which can either be "Junior Junior" or "Jar Jar."

Being the Star Wars fan that I am, I obviously vote for Junior Junior. No self-respecting Star Wars fan likes Jar Jar.

Little John being born on Thanksgiving weekend was a blessing in many ways. First, and most obviously, it's a blessing that he was born. Second, he was born while we were in Houston, so we don't have to make a second trip. (Not that we wouldn't have made a second trip, but it was convenient that we were there.) Third, Little John gave his dad instant Karma, and his dad (Big Daddy John Senior) won his fantasy football matchup to keep him in playoff contention in our league.

Little John, I gotta tell you... I was hoping your dad would lose that game. I'm in 9th now, and I need to be in 8th to make the playoffs. But I still love you.

Betty is the godmother. That makes me the godfather-in-law, even though I'm a blood relative. It's a weird relationship, but we're from Louisiana - we're used to that.

Getting to Houston for Thanksgiving was a little hairy. We left Prairieville on Thanksgiving morning, and got out of the house about 45 later than we wanted. But when we were about 30 miles from Beaumont we got a call from my brother saying that there had been a 140 car accident in Beaumont that had shut down both lanes of the Interstate. Two people died, which is awful... but it's amazing that more people didn't die. A lot of people went to the hospital in critical condition. And had we left Prairieville when we wanted to, we might have been right around that area when the accident happened.

So... we have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season. We're thankful that we could be together as a family, thankful for our health and safety, and especially thankful for our little JRJR.

My advice to Little John: don't let your dad teach you how to play poker. No, wait, that's not it! Here's my real advice: your mom sleeps with her eyes open because her large eyelashes block the light. It's creepy, but you'll get used to it. Don't let it freak you out.

OK, real advice to the little dude: always be yourself. You've got it made - great parents, the best godfather-in-law that money can buy, and loving grandparents who will do anything for you. So give your mom hell when you're a teenager and I'll help fund your college education. Deal?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Simply the Best

Even though I have an alarm as well as amazing ninja skills, I still occasionally daydream about having to defend my family and house from intruders. I think most men have these dreams. It's an innate characteristic of us men to want to protect our ladies so that they'll think we're strong and thus get it on with us.

That's evolution, baby.

Since my amazing ninja skills relate to being a Network Ninja and not an actual ninja, I have to rely upon weapons hidden throughout the house to be used if I am called upon to defend my family. Because I don't like guns, I've opted to use sharp objects such as knives, elbows and precariously hanging chandeliers as part of my repertoire of weaponry.

The best knife that we have in the house is a Rachael Ray knife. It's sharp, it cuts smoothly, and you can buy a trio of them at Bed, Bath and Beyond for less than $20. I promise you that if you need to stab an intruder, these are the knives that you should use.

For starters, the knives have bright orange handles. This means that you can generally see them even if it's dark. I know that you, like me, probably have night vision goggles so the color of the knife handle won't really matter, but bright colors generally mean "danger" out in the wild. Always be prepared.

Next, the knives are stainless steel. That means that you can thrust your knife through the intruder's abdomen and then turn it (so it tears up the intruder's abdominal wall and can't heal) without fear of breaking the blade. That's very important in home defense, as you may need to stab the intruder multiple times.

The handles also have a patented reverse wedge Gusto-Grip which actively resist forward slip, even when hands are wet with the intruder's spurting blood. This should help you to keep a hold on your weapon, for when you inevitably try to stab the intruder in the face and forget that the skull is not easily stabbed.

The best part is that when you're done disemboweling the intruder, you can then use the knife to mince, pare, slice and core without having to resharpen the blade. The antimicrobial handles are treated to resist the growth of mold, mildew and other microbes on the handles, so don't worry if any traces of the intruder's blood is left on the knife.

In conclusion, not only can Rachael Ray help you make a fast and delicious meal in under 30 minutes, but her brand of cutlery is great for home defense. That's why Rachael Ray is my favorite food celebrity. She and her cutlery are simply the best.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Home for Sale!

My home is for sale and I think you should buy it. Check out the link here.

No, seriously, I'm checking the daily activity on that link, so I'll know if you looked at it or not.

Think about it! You - yes, YOU - could live in the room where I've written practically every blog for the past 7 years. Think about all of the creativity that will be floating around you!

Sure, most of my blogs aren't going to win any prizes (except Best Blog), but wouldn't you rather live in a house where someone put their time and energy into something that they loved doing, as opposed to buying a house where someone may have died in it? You don't want a haunted house, do you?!

I'll admit, someone dying in their house and then haunting it is pretty extreme, but who knows... maybe someone was cooking meth in that other house that you were just looking at online, and then they got caught, went to jail and had to sell their house in order to pay their lawyers. Don't buy their house! Don't support the drug trade! Buy mine instead!

Whew, OK, enough about haunted drug hideouts and back to my beautiful and well-kept house.

We had an "Aha!" moment when we first stepped into our house 8 years ago. We knew that this was the house for us. But we'd like to have another baby and just don't have room for the third kid in our house. (Technically, I'd like to just try for a new baby four times a week for the next few months, then get serious about it. Don't tell Betty.)

If we had two kids of the same gender then we could put them in the same room, maybe have a bunk bed or something. But having my son and daughter in the same room at night is like having a giant python and a tiger fighting in the forest: they're going to make a huge mess, something is going to get destroyed, and at the end of the day there's no clear winner.

That's why we need a new house. Also, our kids are going to private school in Baton Rouge and the school board decided to sell some buses, so now Annie's school will start an hour before Peter's and will end two hours later so that the buses can handle the same amount of kids with less resources. So because the school board is cheap, Betty will have to make multiple trips into and out of BR each day just to pick up the kids from school. It's kind of ridiculous. I keep trying to tell her that there's a brand new elementary school less than a mile from our house, but you know what they say - if Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy! By the way, the schools in Ascension Parish are some of the top-rated schools in Louisiana.

If you'd like a tour of Casa de Tanory, please visit this link here to see the details of our house or click this link to email my realtor. Again, I'm keeping stats on who actually clicks on these links, so you'd better do it or you might end up being blog fodder in the upcoming weeks.

Not buying a new house right now but may know someone who is? Please help me spread the word of my house being for sale! Also, please let me know if you or anyone you know is looking to sell in the Baton Rouge area. Thank you!