Sunday, November 18, 2012

Simply the Best

Even though I have an alarm as well as amazing ninja skills, I still occasionally daydream about having to defend my family and house from intruders. I think most men have these dreams. It's an innate characteristic of us men to want to protect our ladies so that they'll think we're strong and thus get it on with us.

That's evolution, baby.

Since my amazing ninja skills relate to being a Network Ninja and not an actual ninja, I have to rely upon weapons hidden throughout the house to be used if I am called upon to defend my family. Because I don't like guns, I've opted to use sharp objects such as knives, elbows and precariously hanging chandeliers as part of my repertoire of weaponry.

The best knife that we have in the house is a Rachael Ray knife. It's sharp, it cuts smoothly, and you can buy a trio of them at Bed, Bath and Beyond for less than $20. I promise you that if you need to stab an intruder, these are the knives that you should use.

For starters, the knives have bright orange handles. This means that you can generally see them even if it's dark. I know that you, like me, probably have night vision goggles so the color of the knife handle won't really matter, but bright colors generally mean "danger" out in the wild. Always be prepared.

Next, the knives are stainless steel. That means that you can thrust your knife through the intruder's abdomen and then turn it (so it tears up the intruder's abdominal wall and can't heal) without fear of breaking the blade. That's very important in home defense, as you may need to stab the intruder multiple times.

The handles also have a patented reverse wedge Gusto-Grip which actively resist forward slip, even when hands are wet with the intruder's spurting blood. This should help you to keep a hold on your weapon, for when you inevitably try to stab the intruder in the face and forget that the skull is not easily stabbed.

The best part is that when you're done disemboweling the intruder, you can then use the knife to mince, pare, slice and core without having to resharpen the blade. The antimicrobial handles are treated to resist the growth of mold, mildew and other microbes on the handles, so don't worry if any traces of the intruder's blood is left on the knife.

In conclusion, not only can Rachael Ray help you make a fast and delicious meal in under 30 minutes, but her brand of cutlery is great for home defense. That's why Rachael Ray is my favorite food celebrity. She and her cutlery are simply the best.

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