Thursday, July 25, 2013

Wind Breaker

I convinced my son to put on his PJs after his bath last night by telling him that we were going to go on a safari (with our imagination). I told him that we would see rhinos, crocodiles and hippos. But he didn't know what a hippo was, so we went to YouTube for help.

Now we know. And knowing is half the battle. Also, here is a video of a hippo projectile pooping while farting for over 20 seconds.

My son and I watched this about 20 times before Betty came in to check on us. She thought the hippo fart sound was a neighbor mowing the lawn, a chainsaw, or possibly a siren.

But after watching it 10 times with us, she now knows to stand way back from the fence when you see the hippos at the zoo.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Star Wars vs. Cars - Battle of the Mold in the Bath Toys

Pixar's fantastic movie Toy Story got one thing right: there is life within our toys.

What they failed to mention is that usually that life takes the form of mold, and it's growing in our kids' bath toys.

I only bring this up because while bathing my son tonight I squeezed a Darth Vader bath toy, and afterwards my entire evening went to crap. Usually the Darth Vader toy just does mundane things, like squash a rebellious Lightning McQueen, Boba Fett and mermaid bath toy alliance, or breathe heavily while using the force to make the shampoo squeeze out on my kids' heads.

But tonight, chunks of dark green mold spewed out from the hole at the bottom of the Darth Vader toy when I squeezed it. When I said my evening went to crap, I meant it - Darth Vader crapped mold in my tub.

After my son went to sleep, I couldn't help but start cleaning the toys. Usually I just throw them away when they get to this point, but they love their Star Wars and Cars bath tubs so much that I just couldn't bear to throw them out.

I did the basics, and here are my steps in case you want to follow them for your own kids' toys (or your own bath toys - I won't judge you):

1. Suck up hot water into each toy, shake it for 20 seconds, then squirt it back into the sink.

2. Grimace as you look at what came out.

3. Repeat 50 times per toy.

4. Pour some white vinegar into a bowl.

5. Suck it up into each toy, shake for 20 seconds, then squirt it back into the sink.

6. Place toy on a paper towel to dry.

7. Make an empty promise about "smoking the suckers out" the next time this happens.

I've read that some people place their bath toys in rice or whatever to suck out the moisture from the toys. That sounds like a good idea, but I opted to not use it because I have no idea where the rice is and I'm too lazy to look.

There are lots of other great sites, such as this and this with other suggestions, like gluing the hole at the bottom of the toys to keep moisture out, or running the toys through the dishwasher.

I'm interested in the glue idea but think Betty won't want the bath toys in the dishwasher. But since I've done extensive research on mold now that I'm about to wage war on them, I've learned that molds are obligate aerobes - meaning they need oxygen to live. So maybe smoking them out is the way to go after all. I'll let you know in about six to twelve months, when I remember that mold is growing in my kids' bath toys again.

By the way, the moldiest toy was the Sheriff from Cars. I had to rinse him out, NO LIE, 100 times. Every time I squeezed him, he crapped out more mold. I was ready to cut him open with my Rachael Ray knife and scrape him clean. The next moldiest toy was Darth Vader, and the least moldiest toys were C3PO and the Storm Trooper, probably because they are the hardest to squeeze. Just a heads up in case you own some of these toys.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Back Breaker

Betty hurt her back this past week. She can barely walk, can't sit for any length of time, and it's difficult for her to get comfortable when she lays down.

There are two stories of how she hurt her back: hers and mine. Hers is the truth, but mine is more entertaining... for now at least, until she reads this and beats the everlovin' crap out of me despite the fact that she can barely move.

Betty's version of how she hurt her back: She was leaning over to pick up our son Peter when she heard a loud pop, and then she had intense pain in her back.

My version: She had powerful visions of me in my Speedos, and arched her back so far that she pulled a muscle and possibly suffered a herniated disc, but it was so totally worth it.

Well, we know that my version is a lie because I can't fit into my Speedos anymore. Actually, that's not completely true - some of me can fit into my Speedos, but most of me just flops out of it.

Betty's mom came and stayed for several nights. Thank God! She helped with everything. I don't know what I would have done had she not come over. Probably duct tape the kids to the wall or something. I'm joking, of course! Duct tape wouldn't hold them.

Seriously, does anyone know what is stronger than duct tape?

If you have mad babysitting skillz that you want to put to the test, I will take you up on them. Just be warned - since I have been in charge, my kids have been watching a lot of Ninja Turtles on YouTube and Ninjago on NetFlix, so they're kind of experts at martial arts right now. Also, it's been raining every day and/or is too hot to go outside, so they're just about ready to explode from being inside all day for a week straight.

Actually, Betty will probably start feeling better after she gets those back muscles working while she's pummeling me for writing this, so we'll probably be OK. Then she'll be back in action!

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The Gorgeous Michaels

If you are one of those people who feel like you're a white guy stuck in a black guy's world, then this video is for you! Courtesy of my cousins' band The Gorgeous Michaels. I take all the credit for their incredible talent.

If you can't see the embedded video, then click here.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Happy Anniversary!

I would like to wish my very beautiful and amazing wife Betty a very happy anniversary! Thank you for loving me all these years!

Betty, I love for so many reasons. Some are big - like, you are beautiful, you're nice, and you make me feel good about myself. You've given me two incredible children and you are the greatest mom ever!

But there are a lot of other, some would say smaller, reasons why I love you. And I thought the whole world should know.

Betty, I love you because...

You have a great sense of direction. You are my personal GPS. It's not an exaggeration to say that I would be lost without you.

We're lost

You love to travel, and I love going with you! And if you weren't such a good personal GPS, I would be lost in some other city still trying to get home. Not only do you love to travel, but you are good at it - you make sure that we get to do everything we could possibly want to do, on time, under budget, rain or shine.

Little Italy

Is it a coincidence that you were born on Mardi Gras day, and that my favorite holiday is Mardi Gras?

Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday

One of the reasons why I love Mardi Gras so much is that I get to dress up. And I know that I'll always have someone to dress up with!

Daisy Duck!

Our love is so epic that Jay Melder wrote about us in his "Off the Cuff" column in the Reveille - twice.


I couldn't have asked for a better family to be married into. Your family is fantastic. And they're always very "hands on."


You make a sexy zip-liner!

Ziplining in Hotlanta!

You've always faith that I would one day master power tools. It only took 33 years.

Drilling machine

You are super smart. Much smarter than I am! When we teamed up for Cajun Code Fest, we destroyed the competition and even got to meet the CTO of the US Government. The following year, without you by my side, we placed a paltry 4th out of 20.

With Todd Park

For our wedding you gave me a video game controller as a gift. It wasn't just a gift of a controller. It was your way of saying that you understood that I loved video games and that you accepted that part of me. And that's why this picture of me dressed up as Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punch Out is so special - because you put up with this crap from me all the time. I don't know how you do it. Thank you!

You made this happen

Actually, to be honest I don't know why you put up with me at all. You've got it all - good looks, great personality, can bake like nobody's business... and all I've got is enormous genitalia. It doesn't make any sense.

Thank you for nine fun and exciting years of marriage, for dating me for 4 years prior to that, and for not killing me for any of those thirteen years. I love you!