Sunday, August 18, 2013

And So It Begins (Again)....

Betty and I did a fantasy football draft this weekend.

Yes, that's right - I said "Betty and I." I have finally managed to get her to play fantasy football! It's just like The League, but hopefully my wife won't eventually create her own team and beat me.

I'm in three leagues this year. I'm in my family league with all my immediate family, cousins, and my cousin's cousins, in which last year I won the most points but somehow managed to not make the playoffs. I'm also back in my work league, in which I was in first place going into the playoffs and then promptly lost my next two games.

And now I'm in a league with Betty, which means she is contractually obligated to watch football games with me - or else our team will suffer for it!

Oooh yeah!

How did I manage to pull off this incredible feat? Actually, I didn't. Her friends did.

A few nights ago she was playing on her phone when she turned to me and said, "Now before I show you this, I want to remind you that you're already in two fantasy football leagues." I had no idea what she was about to show me. I was hoping it was a naked picture - preferably of her, but I would have also accepted anything that resembled a female adult human. Or a picture of pizza. I didn't know how that fit into fantasy football, but I don't usually think logically or rationally unless there's financial incentive.

When Betty gave me her phone, I saw that it was a text from a friend, asking if we wanted to join a couple's league.

"Of course we do!" I said, while typing out a very witty and/or extremely vulgar reply. (Betty wouldn't let me send it. It would have been classic, though.)

We did a live draft over the weekend for this particular league, which is hosted by our friends The Troutmans. We named our team Troutmania, because we love the Troutmans (Troutmen?) and we love Troutmania in general. We're Troutmaniacs.

We Tanorys came prepared to our live draft. I had my list of players ranked and organized by position, strength of schedule and team colors; Betty had peanut butter / chocolate brownies; and we both wore our football jerseys. Betty wore a pink football jersey, and I wore an LSU jersey along with my son's LSU helmet.

[Ready for our draft!]

Yes, this helmet is made for a three year old, but it fits my tiny head. Remember: it's not the size of your head that matters, it's how you use it.

[Snug as a bug on a rug, in an LSU helmet made for a child!]

At our draft, we discovered that one of the teams in our league is called Sex Panther. If you're not familiar with Sex Panther it's a cologne with the slogon, "60 percent of the time, it works 100 percent of the time!" After every pick, Team Sex Panther would spray actual Sex Panther cologne throughout the room. By the end of the night, we all smelled like Sex Panther, which meant we all had a 60 percent chance of getting lucky.

Let's just hope our team is lucky.

On second thought, just the idea of Betty watching football with me makes me think I've already won the fantasy league, even if our team never wins a game. I hope she learns to love football as much as I do... as long as she doesn't branch out and start her own team without me!

Friday, August 02, 2013

Riley Copper Seeks Counseling After Attending Kenny Chesney Concert

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper was excused from practice on Friday in order to seek counseling after attending a Kenny Chesney concert, where he was videoed saying saying he would fight every "N word" at the concert.

"I have decided to take time away from football," cited sources familiar with the team, "and determine why, deep inside, I wanted to go to a Kenny Chesney concert in the first place."

Deploring his actions as hurtful, shameful and just plain wrong, Cooper acknowledged that there are much better acts to attend than a Kenny Chesney concert in the greater Philadelphia area.

While some teammates, such as Michael Vick, have forgiven Cooper, others are less willing to forgive. Star running back LeSean McCoy was quoted as saying, "Even though I have a last name of McCoy, which would indicate some sort of Scottish background, I'm obviously African-American and therefore do not comprehend country music of any sort. Although I'll admit that my eyes tend to linger on Faith Hill's Sunday Night Football intros."

When told that Carrie Underwood would be replacing Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football, McCoy responded by throwing his helmet on the ground and tackling the reporter.

Asked about his decision to threaten every N word at the concert, Cooper said he was joking, since no African-Americans were known to have attended the Kenny Chesney concert (since it's Kenny Chesney and most African-Americans don't listen to him or any country music at all) and therefore there would be nobody to fight.

"The only black guy I know that likes country music is that guy from Hootie and the Blowfish," Cooper said. "But you know what? F$&@ that N word, his version of Wagon Wheel sucks."

As of press time, there is no word on if Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has added any Kenny Chesney music to his playlist of music that he blasts during minicamp.