Saturday, May 31, 2014

Lice Lice Baby

Yo, VIP, Let's itch it!

Lice Lice Baby, Lice Lice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Lice is back with a brand new edition
Something grabs a hold of hair tightly
Itching our scalps all daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo – I don't know
Comb through my hair, just go slow
To the extreme I clean my hair like a vandal
Sit down in light so I can see, not by candle.

Dang, in my family's hair too?
I'm killing lice eggs with a tea tree shampoo
Deadly, when I find a live felony
Scream at the top of my lungs like a melody
Love it or leave it, You better sit still
Kids watching NetFlix so they both just chill
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the lice comb, we constantly wash it

Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla
Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla

Now that lice are jumping
When I pick out a nit, my fists are pumpin'
Look by the ears, by the scalp, no faking
Cooking used combs like a pound of bacon
Burning them ain't quick, to last
Use a special shampoo so the lice die fast
Wear a high hat with a souped up tempo?
Don't share it, better wear it solo
Greasin' hair with EVOO
With my shower cap on, then my hair dryer blows
The kids on standby, wondering where and how, why
Is the easiest way to make all these lice die
Clean all the towels, the sheets and the drapes
Lock stuff animals in bags so the lice can't escape

Those lice was dead
Yo – so I continued to A1A Green Hill Ave.

Kids stripped down wearing less than bikinis
I'm picking nits, fast like a Lamborghini
Jealous 'cause I'm free now of lice
Annie had a few and Peter less than twice
Ready to go scourge through their heads
The lice acting ill because they're about to be dead
Screaming rings out like a bell
I crushed a louse, just sent it to hell
Wipe it on a paper towel real fast
Crumple it up and squash it til its insides blast
Dimple to dimple, the hair is packed
Lice trying to get away before they all get jacked
Daddy's on the scene, You know what I mean
They can't escape, confronted all those lice fiends
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the lice comb, we constantly wash it

Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla
Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Daddy's on the scene just in case lice didn't know it
White vinegar up in Betty's hair
Enough to make her cough and search for air
'Cause my hair's like a chemical spill
Itching and scratching you can see and feel
Search and destroy, this is a heck of a work out
We keep on looking if there's even a small doubt

Dad combs through the hair, slice like a ninja

Sweep through the hair so grand, Other members of my house say, "damn"
If lice shampoo was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it's time to get lice out
Tramautized by the fact that we had that lice, shout!
If there was a problem, Yo – I'll solve it!
Check out the lice comb, we constantly wash it

Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla
Lice Lice Baby Vanilla, Lice Lice Baby Vanilla

[Louse]: Yo, man, let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

Lice Lice Baby Too cold, Lice Lice Baby Too cold Too cold
Lice Lice Baby Too cold Too cold, Lice Lice Baby Too cold Too cold

Friday, May 16, 2014

Echogenic Intracardiac Focus, Duodenal Atresia, and Bears, Oh My!

Betty's 32 weeks preggers right now.  From our first ultrasound we knew that the baby had what's called an Echogenic Intracardiac Focus, or EIF for short.  This is just a bright spot that appears inside the baby's heart chambers when viewed via ultrasound, which doesn't make it sound too bad.  EIFs are pretty common, but they are a soft sign for Down Syndrome as well as possibly other chromosomal abnormalities.

And for about the past 10 weeks we've known that Betty's been carrying around extra amniotic fluid. This has made her physically uncomfortable, and this along with the EIF had us concerned that something may be wrong with the baby.  Of course, the extra amniotic fluid could have just been the result of gestational diabetes, which Betty has had with all three kids. 

The good thing about the EIF plus the extra amniotic fluid is that Betty has had several ultrasounds so the doctors could continue to check on the baby.  If not for this, we would not have caught a new issue with the baby:  duodenal atresia.

Duodenal atresia, aka intestinal atresia, is where the stomach isn't connected to the intestines.  On the ultrasound it looks like there are two bubbles separated by a wall of tissue, which is known as the "Double Bubble."  Duodenal atresia occurs in about 1 out of every 10K births.  I like to think that we're 1 of 1K that actually caught it before the baby was born, so we have a chance to meet with the doctors, get mentally prepared, etc.

I consider us very lucky that we were able to catch this before the baby is born.  Even better, there's a procedure that will fix this.  A day or two after the baby is born, a pediatric surgeon will do a procedure to connect the stomach to the intestines, and then the baby will need to stay in the hospital for 3-4 weeks.  We're disappointed that the baby will be in the hospital for a month after being born, but are happy that we live literally 3 minutes from the hospital and that I work about 5 minutes away so we can see the baby often.

We also knew from consulting with our doctor that our baby had at least a 1% chance of having Down Syndrome due to the EIF.  The duodenal atresia raised this risk to be 33%.  We were on the fence about whether we should test for Down Syndrome, but we decided to take a non-invasive test called MaterniT21 a few weeks ago.  Older tests would have to actually puncture the mother's womb and then take a sample of the baby's blood by pricking the baby, but the MaterniT21 test was able to detect and sample the baby's chromosomes in Betty's bloodstream, so all that was needed was for Betty to have some blood drawn.

Our MaterniT21 test came back negative, meaning the baby doesn't appear to have Down Syndrome.  The test is estimated to have a detection rate of 99.1% for Down Syndrome, so there still is a chance that our baby could have Down Syndrome, but we'll take our odds.

Waiting for the MaterniT21 test was an emotional experience.  Betty and I know that we would love our child regardless of if it had Down Syndrome or any abnormality, but as a parent you always want the best possible life for your child.  I thought of how to make sure I accomplished this goal, and also how to make sure that he or she didn't miss anything.  I thought about school, girlfriends, prom, driving, hobbies, baseball games, video games, on and on.  I thought of the other health risks associated with Down Syndrome.  I also thought of how I would react if another kid made fun of my child.  My thoughts ranged from beating that kid and/or his parents up, to inviting that family over for dinner to let the kids play and learn from each other.  That experience really made me do some soul-searching, and I hope I'm a better person for it.  (Note that if you make fun of my children, I probably still will physically attack you although I'll feel bad about it later.)

In the midst of all of this, our family and friends have been wonderful.  Betty's friends in particular have been amazing.  They knew that she is extremely uncomfortable with all the extra amniotic fluid, so they've set up a food calendar and have been taking turns bringing us food.  I can't thank them enough - not only has the food been such a huge help, but they've also taught me a lot about how to be a good friend when someone is in need.  Betty's friends are also all apparently really good cooks!

I'd also like to thank everyone who has been praying for us, as well as those who have been putting us on prayer lines throughout the country.  I honestly didn't know that prayer lines existed before now.  All I can say is:  your prayers are working!

In some ways I feel guilty about us receiving those prayers.  I feel like there are so many people out there with much bigger problems.  But we're thankful for people thinking about us and for taking the time to pray for us or to go out of their way to bring us food.  We're also more aware of other people out their who need help, and have been sending our thoughts their way.  We hope that people are as kind and loving to you as our family and friends have been to us.

One thing we can say about Baby Tanory already:  he or she is bringing people together.  Thank you again for everyone's support - we very much appreciate you!

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

The Gas Leak

We recently had a gas leak in our house.  And I'm not talking about me eating too many bags of Olestra either.

My pregnant wife has super senses.  That's what happens when you're pregnant - you turn into Spider-Man for 9 months.  Your eyesight can detect X-rays and gamma rays, your touch becomes super sensitive to husbands trying to get lucky, and your nose is capable of picking up the smallest molecule that has any kind of scent.

Anyway, Betty opened the oven one day and smelled something suspicious.  I flipped - I never wanted a gas oven, specifically because I thought our house would explode.  Betty called the gas company and they came over and used their newfangled tools to detect where the gas was leaking.

"You have a leaky joint," they told me.  I smelled my armpit and wrist, but then the gas guy explained more succinctly, "where your gas line connects to the oven.  You need to get that bolt fitted on tighter and wrap it up good with some tape."

My father-in-law handled all of that.  Nobody was willing to chance our house not blowing up on my ability to fix a gas line.

The next day, Betty smelled gas again.  We got the gas guy out there again, and sure enough there was another gas leak.

"You have a leaky pipe," the guy said.  "Gonna need a new pipe."  This time the gas guy fixed our pipe for us.

The next day, Betty smelled gas again.  The gas guy came out, told us that something in our gas oven was leaking, and that he suggested getting a new oven.  We could have fixed our old oven but it would have been half as expensive as just buying a new one.

Now we don't have a gas leak.  And it's all because of Betty's super senses.

So my advice to you, if you are a man who is married, owns a home and has a gas oven, is to immediately impregnate your wife.  This is your only hope at finding out if you have a gas leak.  Sure, the gas company can come over and test that out for you, but our gas company didn't find every gas leak the first time around.

Pregnancy super-senses are your only hope.  So please, do it for the safety of your family.  Get your wife drunk, play some Marvin Gaye, and nine months later you will have a safe and happy home, gas free.