Friday, September 01, 2017

Why You Should Let Your Man Play Fantasy Football

This blog post is for the ladies.

The entirety of human history is one tragic, repeating story of men violently attacking other men. Every war was started by men. Every battle had men hacking away or shooting other men. Bombs, missiles and rockets were developed by men, launched into battle by men, and glorified by men. Wars have been fought on land and sea, and soon will be fought in space. And sometimes these men fought over ideas or moral outrage. Often it was over a woman. But other times, it was just because they didn't like the other guy's face.

Guys don't need an excuse to wage war, is the point. We do it when we're bored. Or when it's hot. Or when someone's face is just so damn punchable.

We like movies about war, books about war, video games about war, board games about war. We even like museums about war.

Sure, there were women who were great at war, or great at building machines of war. I'm not trying to discount the contributions of women in war. But let's be real, for the most part, men are the culprits.

That's why today, YOU - I'm talking to you, ladies - have the chance to change history.

Instead of fussing at your boyfriend for watching football for four months straight, encourage it! Throw a party so everyone can watch with him, and you can celebrate football being in his life! Buy a big screen TV so he can watch it in the most megapixels possible! If you don't, he might start World War III because the next door neighbors are singing karaoke outside again.

Instead of telling your husband that he can't play fantasy football this year, encourage it! Tell him to join as many leagues as he wants! Maybe join a league with him! It will be a bonding experience. Because if you don't, he's going to tell you that he's running to the store but will sneak off to the bar to watch the last few minutes of a Sunday night game, get in a fight with a Dallas Cowboys fan, and go to jail to cool off. And let's face it, it will all be your fault.

So here's your chance to save the world. Let your man play Fantasy Football. No, I take that back - don't "let" him... make him! And to be good at Fantasy Football, he needs to do his research. Make your guy watch football - not just the NFL, but all the college games as well. He needs to scout for the years to come.

And really, what's the cost of getting the NFL Network or the NFL Red Zone in the grand scheme of things, considering that having those at your house could stop him from going completely bonkers over the smallest detail (due to not being able to release any of that pent-up testosterone) and causing massive bloodshed in the near future?

Seriously, have you seen how polarized our nation is right now? What do you want your man doing: protesting, counter-protesting, or talking smack to his friends on the Yahoo! Fantasy Football or ESPN Fantasy apps (available for free on iPhone and Android devices)?

You know the answer. Do what's right for your man. Do what's right for your country.

Do what's right for the world.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Home Defense

Forget guns and cameras, I have a new home defense strategy: soiled diapers.

I'll get straight to the point. In order to best protect your home, just have a baby, feed it lots of food that seems tasty going in but rancid coming out, and then wait for the baby to soil its diaper. When you change said diaper, place it into a plastic grocery bag, then tie the bag up. You might want to double-bag it.

Did I mention that you should be wearing a gas mask while doing this? You can probably find a cheap one at your local military surplus store.

Once the diaper has been placed in the sealed grocery bag, open whatever door or window that you want to secure, and toss the diaper out.

Now, this is important: if you keep your garbage can in an enclosed area, such as a store room or garage, under no circumstance should you be putting the soiled diapers into the garbage can until the garbage is en route to the front of the yard for trash pickup. Otherwise you're just going to smoke yourself out.

Please realize that this tactic, while affective against home invaders, would-be thiefs, Mormons and stray dogs, may also prevent friends and family from coming to your home. But honestly, most crimes are committed by people acquainted with the victim, so it's probably best to keep those people away as well.

If you already own cameras and/or guns, don't despair - you can use those in conjunction with the soiled diapers. If you see a threat in your camera, just get out your gun, then throw a grocery bag with a soiled diaper into the air, and shoot at it as if you were shooting at a clay pigeon. Aim for above the perpetrator's head. The showering shards of soiled diaper will not only be enough to scare the assailant away, but the stench will also help identify the assailant later.

Enjoy your new, well-protected house!