Friday, September 01, 2017

Why You Should Let Your Man Play Fantasy Football

This blog post is for the ladies.

The entirety of human history is one tragic, repeating story of men violently attacking other men. Every war was started by men. Every battle had men hacking away or shooting other men. Bombs, missiles and rockets were developed by men, launched into battle by men, and glorified by men. Wars have been fought on land and sea, and soon will be fought in space. And sometimes these men fought over ideas or moral outrage. Often it was over a woman. But other times, it was just because they didn't like the other guy's face.

Guys don't need an excuse to wage war, is the point. We do it when we're bored. Or when it's hot. Or when someone's face is just so damn punchable.

We like movies about war, books about war, video games about war, board games about war. We even like museums about war.

Sure, there were women who were great at war, or great at building machines of war. I'm not trying to discount the contributions of women in war. But let's be real, for the most part, men are the culprits.

That's why today, YOU - I'm talking to you, ladies - have the chance to change history.

Instead of fussing at your boyfriend for watching football for four months straight, encourage it! Throw a party so everyone can watch with him, and you can celebrate football being in his life! Buy a big screen TV so he can watch it in the most megapixels possible! If you don't, he might start World War III because the next door neighbors are singing karaoke outside again.

Instead of telling your husband that he can't play fantasy football this year, encourage it! Tell him to join as many leagues as he wants! Maybe join a league with him! It will be a bonding experience. Because if you don't, he's going to tell you that he's running to the store but will sneak off to the bar to watch the last few minutes of a Sunday night game, get in a fight with a Dallas Cowboys fan, and go to jail to cool off. And let's face it, it will all be your fault.

So here's your chance to save the world. Let your man play Fantasy Football. No, I take that back - don't "let" him... make him! And to be good at Fantasy Football, he needs to do his research. Make your guy watch football - not just the NFL, but all the college games as well. He needs to scout for the years to come.

And really, what's the cost of getting the NFL Network or the NFL Red Zone in the grand scheme of things, considering that having those at your house could stop him from going completely bonkers over the smallest detail (due to not being able to release any of that pent-up testosterone) and causing massive bloodshed in the near future?

Seriously, have you seen how polarized our nation is right now? What do you want your man doing: protesting, counter-protesting, or talking smack to his friends on the Yahoo! Fantasy Football or ESPN Fantasy apps (available for free on iPhone and Android devices)?

You know the answer. Do what's right for your man. Do what's right for your country.

Do what's right for the world.